Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 26: Episode 3
Dana Carvey’s Monologue
Dana Carvey: Alright! The Mets: 3, the Yankees: 2! I want us all to be happy and win – let’s join hands and pray! [ touches hair ] I’ve got a little George Bush hair, this is the weirdest hair I’ve ever had on TV. A little spiky. Uh.. who are you guys gonna vote for, Gore or Bush? I’m undecided. [ laughs ] I like Gore, though. I like the way he talks.. [ mimicking ] I like that sort of low-er thing he’s got. I like that little Top one-per-cent will ben-e-fit.. He just wants to distance himself from Clinton, have you noticed that? He gets up every morning: “I’m just gonna dis-tance my-self this morn-ing.. and then I’ll have break-fast, and I’ll spend two hours dis-tanc-ing my-self..
Bush is kind of cool. He’s got some weird faces, though, as Will’s been doing on the show. He’s got this one look where he goes to the side.. [ demonstrates ] ..kind of like that, when he’s thinking. And then, when he’s listening, he makes his mouth smaller than it anatomically should be able to get. I’ve never seen a mouth that tiny! When he’s listening to Gore, he’s like this.. [ demonstrates ] And the final one is when he’s got something kind of clever inside, and his eyebrows want to go up with the light but he’s trying to keep them down – this one.. [ demonstrates ] He’s smooth, because Gore is with all the details: “10%, and Top 5%, and I’ll do $1 for every $2, we’ve got $300 billion this and that..” And Bush is just sitting there going, “You know, if he wants to say I’m a hard-hearted person, that’s just not true!” [ snickers ]
I don’t know. They could have Lieberman in there, he’s cool. He says God a lot, which I think is kind of charming. He sounds like he has an intestinal problem, doesn’t he? [ mimicking ] “I mean.. God bless.. God bless everybody.. but I gotta find a bathroom!”
A lot of important stuff hinges on this election, you know? A lot of people are watching it closely. Microsoft, Bill Gates is watching this. Bill Gates, who apparently made a deal with the Devil – “You can have $60 billion, but you have to go through life looking like a turtle.” [ laughs ] I found out that Microsoft is gonna have Johnnie Cochran be their lead attorney for their appeal. Which is a good idea, that guy is brilliant, Johnnie Cochran.. [ mimicking ] “It’s an outrage! It’s an outrage to talk about Microsoft’s a monopoly! Everyone knows Monopoly’s a board game! That’s right! Talk about St. Charles Place! Talk about Indiana Avenue! Talk about little tiny, metal top hat! If there is no Community Chest, you must not arrest!”
Ladies and gentlemen, The Wallflowers are here! We’ve got a great show, stick around we’ll be right back!