Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 26: Episode 4
00d: Charlize Theron / Paul Simon
A Glimpse Of Our Possible Future I
President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
Voice of Don Pardo: America, Election Day fast approaches, and withthe Presidential Race still too close to call, “Saturday Night Live” wouldlike to present “A Glimpse of our Possible Future”.[ open on Scenario I ]
Announcer: And now a Message From the President of the United States:George W. Bush.[ open on the Oval Office – beer cans on desk, socks hung on the lamp, abarbecue grill burning on his desk ]
Voice of Advisor: Mr. President, get out there!
President George W. Bush: [ from under his desk ] No! No, you can’t make me!You’re gonna yell at me again!
Voice of Advisor: Mr. President!
President George W. Bush: [ peeks out from under his desk ] No! I don’t want to goout, it’s too hard!
Voice of Advisor: You’re on, Sir!
President George W. Bush: Awww.. [ jumps up and takes his seat ] Hey, America!So, how we all doing out there, huh? Yeah, not so good. I broke the HooverDam.. we had that war thing happen. But I mean, who ever heard of a CivilWar, anyway? What is that? [ grabs a pair of binoculars, unscrewsthe lens, then pours alcohol from it into his mouth ] I have missed you,ol’ buddy! [ pours it into his barbecue grill ] Whoo! I think wecan agree, Americans, that these have been a difficult first two years ofmy presidency..
Voice of Advisor: You’ve been President for two weeks!
President George W. Bush: Really? Oh, man! I told you, this is hard!Okay, listen.. I’m just gonna get this Address thing over with. As weassess the State of the American Union today, we have reason to hope, because.. [ takes out a map which shows California and Florida as islands, Texas inCommunist Mexico, and the Great Lakes on fire ] Holy crap! When didall this happen?! Wow.. the Great Lakes are on fire – even I knowthat’s not good. [ laughs ] Okay, America, we got a lot of problems. Iain’t gonna lie to you. But with the help of Vice-President Dick Cheney..
Voice of Advisor: You killed him in a hunting accident!
George W. Bush: Okay, fine! Not a problem. ‘Cause I’ve been workinghard, I got a plan that’s gonna solve all of it – from the deficit, toforeign relations, to that hole in the sun. Two words, America: OstrichMeat.
Voice of Advisor: [ disgusted ] Oh, come on! [ exits Oval Office ]
President George W. Bush: No, no, wait, wait! Hear me out. You see, everyonegets an ostrich.. and then you eat the ostrich, then you raise the ostrich..that way, no more ostriches! We are trying to get rid of all the ostriches,right? Anyone? [ ball of fire erupts outside ] Aw, screw! That big titbuilding is on fire again – damn! Alright, sorry, folks.. I gottatake care of this.. [ stands up ] Come on, Blue! Here, boy! [ an ostrichambles forward ] You all go on ahwad without me. And, in the meantime, “Live,from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“