Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 26: Episode 4
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00d: Charlize Theron / Paul Simon
Charlize Theron’s Monologue
…..Charlize Theron
…..Tracy Morgan
Charlize Theron: Thank you! I’m delighted to be here in New York,hosting the show. I actually wasn’t even born in the United States – I wasborn and raised in South Africa. But I live here now!
Tracy Morgan: [ standing amongst the audience ] Oh, Boo! Boo?You serious?
Charlize Theron: Yes.. Sir.. you have a question?
Tracy Morgan: No, I’m not a Sir. I’m Tracy Morgan, I’m on the show.
Charlize Theron: Oh, really?
Tracy Morgan: Yeah. I didn’t have much to do this week, so I skippedthe practices. You live here, but you were born in Africa?
Charlize Theron: Yes, that’s right.
Tracy Morgan: Hmm.. so you’re an African-American?
Charlize Theron: [ contemplating ] Wow..! I guess I am! I.. I..I never thought of it that way..
Tracy Morgan: [ steps on stage ] Well, you better start thinkingabout it that way!
Charlize Theron: You’re right. People always think I’m Swedish orGerman.. but I’m African-American, you’re right!
Tracy Morgan: Yeah, we have to stick together, because thisbusiness is rough!
Charlize Theron: You’re right.
Tracy Morgan: Hell, yeah, I’m right! So, I saw you in thatnew movie with Will Smith.
Charlize Theron: Yeah, “The Legend of Bagger Vance”. It’s me, andWill, and Matt Damon.
Tracy Morgan: I don’t know him.
Charlize Theron: But you know Will Smith?
Tracy Morgan: Not personally.. but I hang out with DJ Jazzy Jeff’screw. You know Griffin Louie Trade? Man, that dude is hilarious! [ laughs ]
Charlize Theron: That’s the guy with the iguana, right?
Tracy Morgan: Yeah, man, that lizard is crazy! [ takes out apack of cigarettes ] You want a Newport?
Charlize Theron: [ takes out her own pack of cigarettes ] That’s okay.I got my Kools.
Tracy Morgan: Mmm. When I saw you in “Bagger Vance”, I knew you wasAfrican-American, man. When I heard you talking during the movie..
Charlize Theron: I was in the movie.
Tracy Morgan: So was I. I was yelling at the screen: “Let Will Smithhit the ball, man! He’s like Tiger Woods!”
Charlize Theron: So, did you like the movie?
Tracy Morgan: Uh.. we didn’t get to see it all. They had kicked usout because they said a little trained lizard had bit a kid in the thirdaisle – but I didn’t have nothin’ to do with that! But we all know whatthe real reason was.
Charlize Theron: Because you’re African-American.
Tracy Morgan: Oh.. you can relate. Damn! It’s about time they let a sister host this show! And you’re fine, too!
Charlize Theron: Thanks, Tracy!
Tracy Morgan: [ peeks around back ] Your ass a little bony, butthat’s okay. Anyway, I’m gonna let y’all get on with your show – it’s abig one, the election show. By the way, who you voting for?
Charlize Theron: Well, actually, because I was born in Africa, Ican’t vote.
Tracy Morgan: Hmm.. I can’t, either. I got convicted of a felony.Anyway, I should let you do your thing. Stay strong, sister! You heard?
Charlize Theron: I heard. [ they clap fists before Tracy stepsaway ] We have a great show, Paul Simon is here, so stick around, we’ll beright back!
