The Presidential Couple
Written by: Dennis McNicholas
Tom Brokaw…….Chris Parnell
Al Gore…….Darrell Hammond
George W. Bush…….Will Ferrell
Tom Brokaw: Good evening America! I’m Tom Brokaw. Another stunning turn of events in the race for the White House. We’ve just learned that Governor Bush and Vice President Al Gore are about to make a joint statement. Is this incredible saga nearing an end? We take you live to Washington.
(Fades to Gore and Bush)
Al Gore: Good evening America. I am Vice President Al Gore.
George W. Bush: And I am the governor of Texas, George W. Bush.
Al Gore: As you know, this election has been the closest in history and the result is still in dispute.
George W. Bush: That’s right, it’s in dispute because some people.. (leans head towards Gore) ..don’t know when they got beat. Look at Florida. I got 2,910,198 votes, and he got a measly 2,909,871. That is an old-school ass-whooping! (laughs) Eat it, Gore!
Al Gore: (chuckles) It’s also in dispute because some people in this race cannot accept losing a popularity contest. If you’ll check the national popular vote, you’ll see that I, Al Gore, have been proven to be, ifso facto, the most popular man in America. Heck, I’m this close to having teenage girls throw their panties at me!
George W. Bush: But listen, we may have our differences, but I don’t want to be dividers. We want to be unificators.
Al Gore: So, a solution has been found that’s both fair and consistent with the will of the American people.
Together: We’re both gonna be President!
Al Gore: Heck, y’all didn’t know who you wanted anyway!
George W. Bush: It’s true. It’s gonna be great. Hey C.J.! Roll that tape!
(Images on screen of voters and punch cards)
Announcer V/O: On November, 7th George W. Bush and Al Gore ran for President. But there was no clear winner. So they decided to govern together. But can these two men share the White House without driving each other crazy?
(Image on screen of both at Oval Office desk, caption reads “The Presidential Couple”, music: Theme from “The Odd Couple.” Starring Al Gore and George W. Bush. Goes back to Al Gore and George W. Bush laughing.)
George W. Bush: Man that was cool! Just think of the hilarious possibilities of having two presidents who hate each other’s guts!
Al Gore: For example, I might be having a crucial summit meeting to discuss foreign policy in China…
George W. Bush: And then I’ll leave my laundry lying around in humorous piles!
(The two laugh again)
Al Gore: Did you know that really gets my goat?
Al Gore: (suddenly very somber face) Now, what happens…what happens if we come to a complete standstill on an issue facing the nation?
George W. Bush: Like, what if Al wants to appoint a pro-choice justice to the Supreme Court, and I want to appoint the Texas Rangers?
Al Gore: Well, don’t worry, America.. don’t worry, America. George W. came up with a fair and impartial system by which we can arbitrate any conceivable dispute.
George W. Bush: It’s called Rock, Paper, Scissors. I learned it in college. (Smirks)
Al Gore: Let’s show the American people how it works, George. Ok. One, two three.
(Al has paper, George W. has rock.)
George W. Bush: Hah! I beat you!
Al Gore: I disagree George. As you can see, I’ve got paper. Paper beats rock.
George W. Bush: What?
Al Gore: Paper beats rock!
George W. Bush: I got a rock! How does paper beat rock? Face it, nerd boy, you lost indisputably. I get to wrap this up.
Al Gore: No, I’m wrapping it up.
George W. Bush: Unbelievable!
Al Gore: Well there’s no need to get snippy!
George W. Bush: My brother Jeb told me I get to wrap this up.
Al Gore: Your younger brother is not the ultimate authority on this!
George W. Bush: Oh, really? “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Thanks to Elizabeth Cross for this transcript!