Calista Flockhart’s Monologue


Calista Flockhart’s Monologue

…..Calista Flockhart
Ally McBeal…..Rachel Dratch

Calista Flockhart: Wow! Thanks! Thank you! I am so happy to be here and I am so happy to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”! You know, I’ve got to say that I love New York, but I also have to say that it is very expensive. Now I have been going to the ATM machine to get some money, and I pressed the wrong button and I accidentally voted for Buchanan.

(Enter Ally McBeal)

Ally McBeal: Hey, Calista. It’s me, Ally McBeal!

Calista Flockhart: Ally, Ally! What are you doing here, and why do you keep following me around?

Ally McBeal: I just can’t believe you are hosting “Saturday Night Live” without me! I mean, do you think that you would be hosting tonight if you were still doing Checkov on Broadway? I don’t think so! You need me!

Calista Flockhart: And you need a Zanax.

Ally McBeal: (gasps) How can you say that? I thought we had a good relationship!

Calista Flockhart: We do! I just can’t be with you all the time. I mean, you’re so neurotic, you’re weird, you’re idiosyncratic, you’re always freaking out about something and falling down. I mean, why do you act like that?

Ally McBeal: Like, like, like, like what?

Calista Flockhart: Like, like, like, like this!

Ally McBeal: I don’t have time for this, Calista! I need you to introduce me to Ricky Martin. He’s hot. I wonder if he’s dating anyone? How about Jimmy Fallon? Do you think he’s too young for me?

Calista Flockhart: See, Ally, this is the other thing. You are always too desperate. Guys do not like that, you need to calm down. And, oh, I don’t mean to be mean, Ally, but, for God’s sake, eat a burger!

Ally McBeal: (gasps) I, I am fine! This is just how I am!

Calista Flockhart: Oh, right. Whatever, Ally! Now, could you just let me get back to the show and we can talk about this later?

Ally McBeal: No! I want to talk about this now!

Together: What I, I, I don’t understand is, why I can’t be part of your life without feeling that you resent everything I do! All I want is to be appreciated for who I am! Is that too much to ask?”

Calista Flockhart: Alright, we have a great show! Ricky Martin is here! So, stick around, I will be right back!

Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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