Calista Flockhart’s Monologue

Calista Flockhart’s Monologue

…..Calista Flockhart
Ally McBeal…..Rachel Dratch

Calista Flockhart: Wow! Thanks! Thank you! I am so happy to be here and I am so happy to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”! You know, I’ve got to say that I love New York, but I also have to say that it is very expensive. Now I have been going to the ATM machine to get some money, and I pressed the wrong button and I accidentally voted for Buchanan.

(Enter Ally McBeal)

Ally McBeal: Hey, Calista. It’s me, Ally McBeal!

Calista Flockhart: Ally, Ally! What are you doing here, and why do you keep following me around?

Ally McBeal: I just can’t believe you are hosting “Saturday Night Live” without me! I mean, do you think that you would be hosting tonight if you were still doing Checkov on Broadway? I don’t think so! You need me!

Calista Flockhart: And you need a Zanax.

Ally McBeal: (gasps) How can you say that? I thought we had a good relationship!

Calista Flockhart: We do! I just can’t be with you all the time. I mean, you’re so neurotic, you’re weird, you’re idiosyncratic, you’re always freaking out about something and falling down. I mean, why do you act like that?

Ally McBeal: Like, like, like, like what?

Calista Flockhart: Like, like, like, like this!

Ally McBeal: I don’t have time for this, Calista! I need you to introduce me to Ricky Martin. He’s hot. I wonder if he’s dating anyone? How about Jimmy Fallon? Do you think he’s too young for me?

Calista Flockhart: See, Ally, this is the other thing. You are always too desperate. Guys do not like that, you need to calm down. And, oh, I don’t mean to be mean, Ally, but, for God’s sake, eat a burger!

Ally McBeal: (gasps) I, I am fine! This is just how I am!

Calista Flockhart: Oh, right. Whatever, Ally! Now, could you just let me get back to the show and we can talk about this later?

Ally McBeal: No! I want to talk about this now!

Together: What I, I, I don’t understand is, why I can’t be part of your life without feeling that you resent everything I do! All I want is to be appreciated for who I am! Is that too much to ask?”

Calista Flockhart: Alright, we have a great show! Ricky Martin is here! So, stick around, I will be right back!

Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!

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