A Message from George W. Bush and Al Gore
Tom Brokaw…..Chris Parnell
George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond
Tom Brokaw: Hello, America! Florida Secretary of State, Katherine Harris issued a statement saying that the state of Florida will contest the federal judge’s ruling……
Announcer: We interrupt this Election 2000 breaking story for an update from Florida. Reporting from New York, here is Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw: Hello, America. This is a real breaking news story. What you were just watching was breaking news on tape. I apologize for that. This is live. Unless, of course, this is a tape of a live segment we’ve….
Announcer: We interrupt this breaking news on tape for a real breaking news story. Here’s Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw: Ok. I’m sorry about that. There’s a lot of different kinds of breaking news on this story, but this one is for real. I’ve just been told that George W. Bush is going to make a statement from the governor’s mansion in Texas. NBC takes you live to Austin, for this important address.
George W. Bush: (completely spaced out look) Me? Oh! Good evening, America. For the past few weeks, we have been thrown into a horrifying and tumultuous nightmare known as the Recount. It’s like a world gone mad. Regular people hand counting ballots to make sure the right vote was cast. A process racked with fraud and Democratic voodoo mind reading. Yikes! I’m sure that, like me, most of you have been very edgy and wetting the bed. You’ve probably been tempted by the demon Budweiser. I said tempted! Well, no more. I’m calling this thing! I won fair and square! That’s right, state of Florida, read my mouth! I am the President of the United States!
Now, I’ve been carrying this acceptance speech in my pocket for weeks and it’s high time I read it. It’s in here somewhere. (fishing through pockets as random objects fall out) I’m gonna get it out, here. There’s a Bazooka Joe cartoon. (laughs) Man, Bazooka Joe! You don’t have to throw a clock to see if time flies! Alright, here it is: (ahem) “Daddy, help me! I never thought I’d win this thing and I want out….” Wait. (continues to fish in pockets for a different paper) That’s just something else. Uh, here we go: “America, we shall always remember this day of November Seventh. I believe it was the great poet, Lynyrd Skynyrd, who wrote: ‘Ooh, that smell! Can’t you smell that smell? Well, I can smell that smell…’ And it is the smell of George W. triumph, for tonight, I am victorian! And then, the crowd would have gone crazy, you know, aaahh! Aaah!”
(Judges run in and surround Bush)
Wait, what the hell? Who are you? What the hell?
(Enter Al Gore)
Al Gore: They’re Florida Supreme Court justices. They’re here to remind you that you have to wait until Monday to make any statements.
George W. Bush: Ah, I ain’t afraid of no jerkwater justices!
Al Gore: Well, they’re not only justices, they’re also ninjas! Go ahead, fellas.
(Justices enter strike position)
George W. Bush: Ok, sure. Let’s discuss this like a-holes. I mean, like adults.
Al Gore: Take five, boys. (Justices leave) I want to have an impromptu and candid conversation totally off the cuff. Just give my guys a second to set up the teleprompter.
Stage Assistant: Ok. Everything’s set Mr. Vice President.
Al Gore: Governor Bush, why have you consistently refused to meet with me so we can end this political infighting?
George W. Bush: ‘Cause!
Al Gore: Why can’t we have all the counties in Florida conduct a hand count so the will of the people is heard?
George W. Bush: ‘Cause!
Al Gore: Oh, c’mon George! This thing ain’t gonna be over anytime soon and I admit it, you’re enjoying all this back and forth stuff, aren’t you.
George W. Bush: Not me.
Al Gore: Oh, come on. A little bit?
George W. Bush: Maybe just a little.
Al Gore: Same here.
(singing to tune of “I’ve Got You, Babe”)
“They say we’re young and we don’t know,
We won’t find out until we grow….”
“Well I don’t know if all that’s true,
It seems like I won ’cause that ballot confused the Jews..”
Together: “Babe, I’ve got you, babe, I’ve got you, babe.”
“I’ve got flowers in the spring,
You’ve got a boil on your face!”
“So let them say I was a boozer,
At least I’m not a stinkin’ sore loser!”
“Babe, I’ve got you, babe, I’ve got you, babe,
‘Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!‘”
Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!