Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
Bill Daley…..Chris Parnell
Katherine Harris…..Ana Gasteyer

Chris Matthews: [Yelling] Welcome back to Hardball, I’m Chris Matthews, confusion about Election 2000 rages on,is the system broken, should we throw out the Constitution? Everything going to hell or what? Tonight we examinethe Mt. Olympus of political chicanery: Florida. Or as some call it God’s abandoned construction site.God started making Florida then just said “You know what? Screw it!” Joining us tonight the spokesman from theGore campaign Mr. Bill Daley.

Bill Daley: Hello Chris, can I just say thatÂ….

Chris Matthews: No you can’t. Also joining us tonight is the woman at the center of all this controversy,The Secretary of State in Florida, Katherine Harris.

Katherine Harris: [Smiles grotesquely] Hello Chris. Thanks for having me.

Chris Matthews: Mrs. Harris we’ll start with you. Many people have accused you of being a pawn of theRepublican Party. Excuse me one second – I’m gonna raise the volume of my voice. You were Governor Bush’sco-campaign chair in Florida. Seems to me you could be accused of political cronyism.

Katherine Harris: Chris, as I think everyone agrees, my political leanings are irrelevant.I’m merely doing my duty.

Chris Matthews: Yeah? Well the Florida Supreme Court has issued a gag order on you in effect saying,”Hey lady – shut that surgically altered trap of yours. Shut it, until these hand counts are completed.”Now I know these three counties are still hand counting, but I understand you actually have the results. Do youintend to announce the winner today or what?

Katherine Harris: Chris, I intend to obey that gag order. Do I know who has officially won the election?Yes. Am I going to announce it? No. Am I going to enjoy watching that Tennessee robot cry when he hears the results?Yes. Does that make me partisan? I don’t think so.

Chris Matthews: So you’re not going to tell us the results?

Katherine Harris: Chris, I am a public servant. I serve the people of Florida and will abide bytheir directives and guidelines..Bush won. [Giggles]

Chris Matthews: [Startled] Wha..wha..what? I’m sorry?

Katherine Harris: George Bush won! We won! I helped him win, and he’s the President! [Giggles]

Chris Matthews: So what am I hearing – you’re now violating the gag order?

Katherine Harris: Mm hmm! Screw the gag order! Right? Screw it! [Giggles] I’m making it official – Bush won![Giggles] And when he’s President he’s going to make me an ambassador. [Giggles] And not ambassador to somesad country, where everyone’s poor and sick all the time. I’m going to a good country where they have niceclothes and speak English.

Bill Daley: Can I say something here?

Chris Matthews: No you can’t. [Daley throws his hands up] Although I do admire your interrupting and yelling.[Daley gestures appreciatively] Now Mrs. Harris, aren’t you worried the Florida Supreme CourtÂ…

Katherine Harris: The Florida Supreme Court can chomp on it, I’m gettin’ out of this backwater state.All I have to do now is practice smiling for my ambassador job. What do you think of this? [Smiles grotesquely]

Chris Matthews: [Winces] Good God! All right we’re out of time. Katherine Harris, Bill Daley, thank youfor joining us.

Bill Daley: I didn’t even get to say anything..I don’t…

Chris Matthews: Shut up! When we return I’m going to yell more on this story. I’m Chris Matthews.You’re watching Hardball.

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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