Grandmaster Rap…..Jerry Minor
Kid Shazzam…..Horatio Sanz
Kevin Gustafson…..Tom Green
Maria Muldaur…..Maya Rudolph
Announcer: You’re watching BET, Black Entertainment Television. Now it’s time for Rap Street, with your hosts, your favourite old school rappers, Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam!
Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: Word up, word up, word up!
Grandmaster Rap: What’s happening everybody? I’m Grandmaster Raps!
Kid Shazzam: And I’m Kid Shazzam. How y’all homeboys and homegirls doin’ out there? Yeah! Woo!
Grandmaster Rap: Woo! Funky fresh. Now, as you know, this show is dedicated to old school hip-hops.
Kid Shazzam: That’s right, cuz we started hip-hops back in 1972 when we got back from Vietnams.
Grandmaster Rap: Oh, terrible conflict.
Kid Shazzam: Napalms and Miss Saigons.
Grandmaster Rap: Agents and orgies and what not. Woo!
Kid Shazzam: All right. Let’s start the show. Grandmaster Rap?
Grandmaster Rap: Mm-hmm?
Kid Shazzam: Have you seen that video with that little nasty girl, Little Kims?
Grandmaster Rap: Oh, easy now kid, easy!
Kid Shazzam: Talkin’ about her private parts like they’re juicy and what not.
Grandmaster Rap: When we rapped, we didn’t rap about givin’ your man friend fellat-i-os. We rapped about good stuff like sneakers.
Kid Shazzam: And people who talk too much.
Grandmaster Rap: And partying all night long!
Kid Shazzam: And not stopping till the break-a break-a dawn!
Grandmaster Rap: We are Grandmaster Rap
Kid Shazzam: And I’m Kid Shazzam!
Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: And this is what we do, we gotta rap rap rap and rock rock rock, rip rop rippity doo!
Kid Shazzam: My name is Kid Shazzam and I’d like to say hello.
Grandmaster Rap: My name is Grandmaster Rap and I’ll say hello also.
Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: But first we gotta rap rap, rippity rap rap, rip rop rippity do, you know our rhymes are funky fresh, rip rop rippity doo! Word! Funky! Fresh![ they spout gibberish as they join hands and “groove” ]
Grandmaster Rap: Woo! Funky fresh indeed!
Kid Shazzam: That was sweet!
Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: Woo!
Grandmaster Rap: Word to your mother, word to your mother.
Kid Shazzam: Well, it’s that time of the show when we honour another one of our fallen homeboys. Our good friend “The Rappin’ Kid” got shot last night.
Grandmaster Rap: With about 20 CC’s of epinepherine. But it was too late, after four heart attacks and two bypasses, I guess it was his time.
Kid Shazzam: He’s survived by his wife Penelope, his children James, Margaret and Thomas, and his grandkids Sheniqua, Ashante and Dorito. And his great grandkid Uridium.
Grandmaster Rap: Who’s currently in his third year of law school. This is for you, Rappin’ Kid.
Kid Shazzam: To the brothers who couldn’t be here.
Grandmaster Rap: That’s right, that’s right, word up, word up.
Kid Shazzam: Okay now. People’s always askin’ us, do you like any new rap that’s out now?
Grandmaster Rap: No. But we did see this one youngster at the club the other night, and he was the only one who wasn’t talkin’ about penises and gold knives. And we have taken him under our wangs.
Kid Shazzam: All right. Let’s bring him out. Let’s give a big Rap Street welcome to Mr. MC Kevin Gustafson.
Kevin: I’m a good boy. I’m a good boy. I’m a good boy. I’m a good good boy, I’m a good good boy, look at me, look at me, I’m a good boy. I’m a nice boy, I do things that are really nice. That’s why they call me a nice boy, I’m a nice boy.
Maria: Midnight at the oasis, put your camels to bed, you don’t know places, spaces, moonlight in your head…
Kevin: I’m a nice boy, and I like to wear undies. Undies! Undies! Undies! Undies! When I wear undies, it’s really really funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny. Undies! Undies are funny! I like to wear undies because they’re so funny! Funny! Undies! Undies! Undies! Undies!
Maria: Midnight at the oasis!
Kevin: Funny undies!
Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: Woo!
Grandmaster Rap: Word up, now did y’all hear that, did you hear that, that, suckas, those rhymes were hardcore!
Kid Shazzam: It don’t come no doper, no doper. I liked that part about the underwears too. Let that be a lesson to you Little Kims. Maybe you should put some on!
Grandmaster Rap: Word up, word up, those underwears have a purpose, to cover your damn stuff up. Well, Kevin Gustafson, welcome to Rap Street. Now tell the folks where you grew ups.
Kevin: Ottawa, Canada.
Kid Shazzam: Oo, Canada. We had some friends who ran up there during the Vietnams War, didn’t we?
Grandmaster Rap: Sure did, word up, word up.
Kid Shazzam: Chickens, that’s what they were.
Grandmaster Rap: Yeah, bunch of yellow-bellies. All right, now Kevin Gustafson, won’t you join us in a little old school raps? [ he nods ] All right!
Kid Shazzam: One for the treble!
Grandmaster Rap: Two for the bass!
Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: Come on, Kevin Gustafson, rock this place!
Kevin: Well, I’m Kevin G, in the place to be, and I’m in the place to be, with Kevin G, I don’t rap about bad stuff, that’s not me, and that’s not fun, now we’ve just begun..
Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: We gotta rap, rap, a-rippity a-roppity, a-rip rop rippity doo!
Announcer: Promotional consideration provided by Jeri Curl. It’s not out of style, you is! And by Rockso’s turkey and pancakes. It’s Food! And Ebony-Sure, the dope diapers for all blacks, cuz sometimes, you mess yourself.
Grandmaster Rap: That’s the end of the show!
Kid Shazzam: Good night everybody!
Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: Rip rop rippity doo!
Thanks to Jordan Davidson of The SNL Message Board for this transcript.