Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

… Tina Fey
… Jimmy Fallon
Jeannie Darcy … Molly Shannon
… Gwyneth Paltrow


Announcer: From Studio 8H in RockefellerCenter, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon andTina Fey.”

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: And I’m Jimmy Fallon. And hereare tonight’s top stories:

In Florida tonight, the hand count continues andRepublicans are accusing Democrats of changing therules. Among the types of ballots that will now becounted for Gore: indented ballots, ballots leftcompletely blank, and ballots marked “Bush.”

Tina Fey: Al Gore’s offer Wednesday to resolvethe Florida election with a statewide hand recount wasrejected by George W. Bush, who said that such a countwould be, quote, “arbitrary and chaotic.” Bush thenlooked down and crossed two words off his vocabularyworksheet.

The recount is now focused on what are called “chads,”the little pieces of paper punched out of the ballots,and “hanging chads,” pieces that aren’t quite punchedall the way through. When asked if officials shouldconsider hanging chads, George W. Bush responded,”Yeah, let’s hang him! Who is he? Let’s doit.”

Jimmy Fallon: Earlier this week, Al Goreoffered that if he wins the election, Al Gore, he saidhe’ll meet George W. at his home in Texas. To whichthe Governor responded, “Sure. Come on by. I live in areally big house, can’t miss it, right on the cornerof Eat Me Avenue and Go Screw YourselfBoulevard.”

Tina Fey: Earlier tonight, Michael Douglasmarried Catherine Zeta-Jones at the Plaza Hotel herein New York. The entertainment at the reception wassinger Tom Jones. The couple felt he was the perfectchoice because, like the bride, he is Welsh and, likethe groom, he is old and creepy.

Jimmy Fallon: Cereal maker General Mills isopening its own amusement park this week withattractions like the Lucky Charms Magical Forest, theWheaties Hall of Champions, and the Fiber Onerestrooms.

And, now, I’d like to introduce a new segment onWeekend Update: the Weekend Update TalentShowcase.

Tina Fey: Wait a minute. Since when do we havea “Talent Showcase”?

Jimmy Fallon: Tina, I-I-I-I’m a stand-up, youknow, and I like to give a little bit back. So, uh,I’d like you to meet a really great lady, she’s akick-butt comedienne, Jeannie Darcy, ladies andgentlemen.

[Applause for Jeannie Darcy who stands before a fakered brick wall, holds a microphone, and delivers hermonologue of lame jokes, very stiffly.]

Jeannie Darcy: Thank you. Hi, folks. I’mJeannie Darcy. Hey, is it me or is it cold enough tohang meat in here? Don’t get me started. I’m a littlecranky today. It must be PMS. Ladies, I get it so bad,I don’t have periods. I have exclamation points. Don’tget me started. Do not get me started.

Tina Fey: Jimmy! What is – what’s up with thislady?

Jimmy Fallon: Love her. She’s, uh, I know herfrom my building. Isn’t she hilarious?

Jeannie Darcy: Who – ? Can I have a show ofhands for who likes to date in here? Okay. I’m verypicky. I have a specific type. Somebody who calls meback. Don’t get me started. My ex-boyfriend was waytoo critical. The only thing he didn’t put down in ourhouse was the toilet seat. Don’t get me started. Healso wanted me to dress sexy all the time. Ladies, canwe talk about thongs? Who designed these things?’Cause it wasn’t a woman. Tina Fey, you’re a woman.You know what I’m talking about.

Tina Fey: Yeah. Leave me – leave me out ofthis. Please.

Jeannie Darcy: Um, I know what you’re talkingabout, sister-friend. And – and what aboutdiets?

Jimmy Fallon: You know, Jeannie, you gotta -you gotta go now but thank you. Awesome. Everyoneloves you.

Jeannie Darcy: What’s the matter, Jimmy? Haveyou “Fallon” and you can’t get up?

Tina Fey: Jeannie Darcy, everyone!

Jimmy Fallon: I still love her. I still loveher.

Jeannie Darcy: Don’t get me started. [cheersand applause]

Jimmy Fallon: See you in the laundryroom.

Jeannie Darcy: Don’t get me started.

Tina Fey: Send your tape to [?]

Jimmy Fallon: You were really funny. Reallygood. [Jeannie exits]

Tina Fey: President Clinton visited Vietnamthis week and, to balance things out, John McCain gothigh and made out with some British collegegirls.

Jimmy Fallon: On Thursday, Hillary Clintonarrived in Vietnam where she was greeted by adoringcrowds. She immediately bought a hut and declared hercandidacy for mayor of Hanoi.

Tina Fey: In a Time magazine article, BarbaraBush was quoted as saying, “I was the mother of aPresident for thirty minutes. I loved it.” This cameas new information to many who thought she was themother of a President for four years. [Photo ofBarbara and husband George Bush]

Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris has beenall over the news this week. First, she set a deadlinefor the recount, then she was overruled, now she hasbeen stripped of her ability to certify the Floridavotes. Katherine Harris hasn’t gotten this muchattention since Spring Break ’77. Look at her, shelooks divorced. She looks like the woman being cheatedon in a Mexican soap opera. Katherine, honey, there’sanother setting on your make-up mirror. It’s called”daytime.” Check it out. Turn it up.

Now, here, with this week’s Hollywood report is ourgossip man, Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Tina. [rubs his handstogether] Oooooh, it’s been a juicy one! First up:guess who Martha Stewart’s cooking a specialThanksgiving dinner for? Jimmy Fallon. [waves arms inthe air, expects to hear a swooshing sound effectwhich arrives late] And who just bought a thirtymillion dollar mansion in upstate New York? Rumor hasit: Jimmy Fallon. [waves arm to swoosh effect] GwynethPaltrow’s new movie “Bounce” opened in New York torave reviews. But who was Gwyneth seen ice skatingwith in Central Park? Not Ben. Jimmy. Fallon. Sh! Sh![a little dance move, an arm wave, a swoosh]

Tina Fey: Jimmy, what are you talkin’ about?Mansions, Gwyneth Paltrow? That’s not gossip. You’rejust lying.

Jimmy Fallon: Tina, in high school, they usedto call me “Jimmy Gossip.” I know gossip, Tina, andyou’re no gossip.

Tina Fey: Okay, you know, I need to talk to youabout this after the show ’cause youcontinue–

Gwyneth Paltrow: Uh, Jimmy?

[Gwyneth Paltrow enters, wearing a sleeveless pinkshirt that reads JIMMY RULES, to cheers and applause,Jimmy rises to greet her.]

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, hi. What are you doinghere?

Gwyneth Paltrow: Sorry. I’m – I’m really sorryto interrupt you guys but, um, I’m locked out of themansion with Martha Stewart, you know. I can’t – Ican’t find my keys anywhere.

Jimmy Fallon: Cutie!

Gwyneth Paltrow: I’m standing out there withthe turkey.

Jimmy Fallon: You were locked out? Were youfreezing?

Gwyneth Paltrow: I was freezing.

Jimmy Fallon: Cutie! You were cold?

Gwyneth Paltrow: Yeah. We were.

Jimmy Fallon: You should’ve checked under thething. I’ve got the keys under the doorway.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Give me your keys.

Jimmy Fallon: Awww, cutie! [gives her hiskeys]

Gwyneth Paltrow: When are you cominghome?

Jimmy Fallon: Like an hour orsomething.

Gwyneth Paltrow: All right. I miss you.

Jimmy Fallon: [they trade kisses] I love you. Imiss you. I love you. [they do some serious smoochingand Jimmy repeats “I love you” over and over beforethey finally break]

Gwyneth Paltrow: Okay, bye. [exits to cheersand applause]

Jimmy Fallon: [sits at desk, gazing afterGwyneth, absently throws it back to Tina who tries toact nonchalant] Back to you.

Tina Fey: That was really, really–

Jimmy Fallon: Back to you, Tina.

Tina Fey: That was really gross, okay?

Jimmy Fallon: [still gazing off] Yeah, back toyou.

Tina Fey: The daytime talk show “The View” hasreached an agreement– Okay. [crowd and Tina stilllaughing from previous bit, so Tina starts over] Thedaytime talk show “The View” has reached an agreementwith Campbell’s Soup in which the hosts of the showwill spontaneously mention Campbell’s products inevery broadcast. Critics of the deal say thiscommercial tie-in could undermine Barbara Walters’journalistic integrity the same way oxidation can ruinthe finish on your deck chairs. That’s why I useThompson’s Water Seal. [holds up a container ofThompson’s Original Water Seal] Back to you, Jimmy.

Jimmy Fallon: USA Today reported this week thatan increasing number of young teens are engaging inoral sex and experts blame it on the Clinton-Lewinskyscandal. However, they never would have known aboutthe trend if kids weren’t tattled on by a gang ofschool of– school yard little Linda Tripps. …[doctored photo of kid with Linda Tripp’s headsuperimposed on it] Look how cute she is.

Tina Fey: Funny picture!

Jimmy Fallon: [mumbling] Little jukebox. Littlegirl.

Tina Fey: During an interview this week,Macaulay Culkin said that he is still good friendswith Michael Jackson, saying, “I think we understandeach other in a way that most people can’t understandeither of us.” He then added, “Basically, we bothstill wish I was nine.”

Jimmy Fallon: China’s state media reported thisweek that a thirty-seven year-old Chinese man had hisdamaged esophagus replaced with part of his own colon.Earlier today, the man was quoted as saying, “Doesthis taste funny to you?”

For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night and havea pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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