Burt Bacharach


Burt Bacharach

Brenda…..Ana Gasteyer
Burt Bacharach…..Val Kilmer
Tom Tyson…..Will Ferrell
Wesley Tyson…..Chris Parnell

[ open on interior, A&M recording Studios, 1967 ]

Brenda: Wow! Mr. Burt Bacharach! [ laughing nervously ] Can I just say, from all of us at A&M Records, it is a pleasure to meet you!

Burt Bacharach: [ smiling constantly ] Brenda, you flatter me! But when it comes right down to it, we’re all here for one thing – to make beautiful Burt Bacharach music. Because I am Burt Bacharach!

Brenda: [ laughing ] Yes, you are!

Burt Bacharach: I am Burt Bacharach! Not Burt Lancaster – Burt Bacharach!

Brenda: You are! I’m Brenda!

Burt Bacharach: No, I’m Burt Bacharach!

Brenda: Oh, okay!

[ The Tyson Brothers, Tom and Wesley, enter the recording studio ]

Burt Bacharach: And here are the best two session players in the biz! Brenda, let me introduce you to the Tyson Brothers – Tom and Wesley.

Brenda: So, you guys are the horn players, correct?

Wesley Tyson: I play trumpet.

Tom Tyson: I play trumpet and saxophone.

Burt Bacharach: Fantastic! Okay, you guys, you know what we’re doing. [ dispenses the sheet music ] A little Burt Bacharach number called “I Say A Little Prayer”. Yeah. That’s the one that got me the big, fat.. [ digresses ] Well.. are you guys ready?

Wesley Tyson: Burt, do you want any improvisationals?

Burt Bacharach: Uh.. no. Take a look at the charts. I think just a nice.. uh.. a nice straight-ahead thing.

Wesley Tyson: No improvisationals.

Burt Bacharach: No. I think just a nice, straight-ahead Burt Bacharach. Okay, are we ready? Alright. [ he and Brenda enter the booth ] Are you ready, fellas?

Wesley Tyson: Uh, yeah.

Tom Tyson: Ready.

[ muzak version of “I Say A Little Prayer” begins, as Tom and Wesley wet their lips and brace their horns ] [ Wesley glances at Tom, who licks his lips and plays the first stanza on his trumpet ] [ between stanzas, the brothers wet their lips again ] [ both brothers play their trumpets for the second stanza, as Burt snaps his fingers inside the booth. At stanza’s end, both brothers nod congratulatory to one another, then prepare for the finale. ] [ Tom straps a saxophone around his neck, then attempts to slip an improvisation past Wesley, who immediately notices, and scowls silently ]

Burt Bacharach: [ as the song ends ] Oh, that was perfect! San Diego, here I come!

Wesley Tyson: Burt, I thought you said you didn’t want any improvisationals?

Tom Tyson: [ defensive ] I just played what was on the chart, Wesley.

Wesley Tyson: You played an improvisational!

Tom Tyson: I played what was on the chart!

Wesley Tyson: That was an improvisational!

Tom Tyson: I would never do that!

Wesley Tyson: That’s a LIE!

Tom Tyson: You shut up!

Wesley Tyson: Your whole LIFE’S a LIE!

Tom Tyson: [ shrieking ] SHUT UP!!

Wesley Tyson: YOU WERE ADOPTED!!

Tom Tyson: SHUT UP!!

Wesley Tyson: YOU WERE ADOPTED!!

Tom Tyson: SHUT UP!!

Burt Bacharach: [ interrupting ] Silence! [ the brothers start weeping ] Boys! Boys! Fellas, please. You laid down a perfect Burt Bacharach track – that’s all that matters. Now, get out.

[ the Tyson Brothers pick up their instruments and casually exit the studio. Burt holds his hands over the music stands as he circles around them and picks up the sheet music. ]

Brenda: Wow. Powerful music.. powerful stuff.

Burt Bacharach: Yes, Brenda. That’s what you get with Tyson magic – a volatile beginning.. a volatile ending.

Brenda: Right.

Burt Bacharach: That was perfect, that was brilliant!

Brenda: They are brilliant.

Burt Bacharach: Debbie, they are brilliant!

Brenda: It’s Brenda.

Burt Bacharach: No, it’s Debbie! And I’m Burt Bacharach!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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2 months ago

Anyone know what SNL episode this is from? I checked S26 E07 and it’s not these. Any other SNL episodes with Val??

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