SNL Transcripts: Val Kilmer: 12/09/00: Wade Blasingame: Attorney-At-Law

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 7

00g: Val Kilmer / U2

Wade Blasingame: Attorney-At-Law

Wade Blasingame…..Will Ferrell
Perry Meigs…..Ana Gasteyer
Johnson Young…..Tracy Morgan
Doug Blasingame…..Chris Parnell
House Owner…..Horatio Sanz

Wade Blasingame: Hi. I’m Wade Blasingame. No, not the ballplayer – the attorney-at-law. Let me ask you a question: would it be okay if somebody did this to you?

[ show half-naked man attack family by minivan and chew into their grocery sacks ]

How about if they did this:

[ show half-naked man using shovel to dig into women’s yard ]

Woman: Who are you?! What are you doing in my yard! [ chases him out of her yard ]

Wade Blasingame: Is it right for someone to do this to you:

[ Young Girl is greeted by Mom at door, as half-naked man runs up, knocks Girl down, then proceeds to hump her leg ]

No! Then, why is okay for a dog to do them? It’s not! Sue them! I fight for your rights as a human being! I’ve sued over 2,000 canines, and I’m willing to do it for you!

[ cut to Perry Meigs, sitting in a wheelchair in her kitchen ]

Perry Meigs: I dropped the kids off at my mother-in-law’s house, and her dog stuck its nose in my crotch. Wade Blasingame got me $4,000. [ holds up check ] [ cue gavel smashing on the bench ]

Wade Blasingame: I’ve been responsible for over 23 dogs put down – and 3 more scheduled to die!

[ cue gavel smashing on the bench ]

Dogs don’t deserve special treatment! They have to play by the same rules that we do!

[ cut to mailman Johnson Young sitting in his easychair ]

Johnson Young: I was delivering the mail, and this.. this dog came out of nowhere and barked at me. Wade Blasingame sued them – but we lost.. [ whispering ] But Wade told me, for $50, he’d kill the dog.

[ cue gavel smashing on the bench ]

Wade Blasingame: I did not tell him that. Look, am I happy that that dog is rotting in hell? Yes. Did I personally inject a steak with poison and feed it to the dog? No! So, remember – you wouldn’t let a person do this to your yard:

[ show half-naked man crouch down in Homeowner’s yard and take a crap ]

Homeowner: [ noticing the incident from his front room ] Hey! Get out of here!
[ half-naked man runs off ]

Wade Blasingame: So don’t let some egg-sucking dog do it! Call me – Wade Blasingame, or my brother Doug.. [ the half-naked man who’d been simulating a dog’s behavior ] ..for a free consultation, and we’ll get you justice! [ smashes his gavel on the desk ]

Announcer: Call Wade Blasingame. He’s man’s best friend!

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