SNL Transcripts: Val Kilmer: 12/09/00: Wade Blasingame: Attorney-At-Law


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 7

00g: Val Kilmer / U2

Wade Blasingame: Attorney-At-Law

Wade Blasingame…..Will Ferrell
Perry Meigs…..Ana Gasteyer
Johnson Young…..Tracy Morgan
Doug Blasingame…..Chris Parnell
House Owner…..Horatio Sanz

Wade Blasingame: Hi. I’m Wade Blasingame. No, not the ballplayer – the attorney-at-law. Let me ask you a question: would it be okay if somebody did this to you?

[ show half-naked man attack family by minivan and chew into their grocery sacks ]

How about if they did this:

[ show half-naked man using shovel to dig into women’s yard ]

Woman: Who are you?! What are you doing in my yard! [ chases him out of her yard ]

Wade Blasingame: Is it right for someone to do this to you:

[ Young Girl is greeted by Mom at door, as half-naked man runs up, knocks Girl down, then proceeds to hump her leg ]

No! Then, why is okay for a dog to do them? It’s not! Sue them! I fight for your rights as a human being! I’ve sued over 2,000 canines, and I’m willing to do it for you!

[ cut to Perry Meigs, sitting in a wheelchair in her kitchen ]

Perry Meigs: I dropped the kids off at my mother-in-law’s house, and her dog stuck its nose in my crotch. Wade Blasingame got me $4,000. [ holds up check ] [ cue gavel smashing on the bench ]

Wade Blasingame: I’ve been responsible for over 23 dogs put down – and 3 more scheduled to die!

[ cue gavel smashing on the bench ]

Dogs don’t deserve special treatment! They have to play by the same rules that we do!

[ cut to mailman Johnson Young sitting in his easychair ]

Johnson Young: I was delivering the mail, and this.. this dog came out of nowhere and barked at me. Wade Blasingame sued them – but we lost.. [ whispering ] But Wade told me, for $50, he’d kill the dog.

[ cue gavel smashing on the bench ]

Wade Blasingame: I did not tell him that. Look, am I happy that that dog is rotting in hell? Yes. Did I personally inject a steak with poison and feed it to the dog? No! So, remember – you wouldn’t let a person do this to your yard:

[ show half-naked man crouch down in Homeowner’s yard and take a crap ]

Homeowner: [ noticing the incident from his front room ] Hey! Get out of here!
[ half-naked man runs off ]

Wade Blasingame: So don’t let some egg-sucking dog do it! Call me – Wade Blasingame, or my brother Doug.. [ the half-naked man who’d been simulating a dog’s behavior ] ..for a free consultation, and we’ll get you justice! [ smashes his gavel on the desk ]

Announcer: Call Wade Blasingame. He’s man’s best friend!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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