A Message From the Vice-President of the United States
Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond
Sidney Shyner…..Chris Kattan
Joseph Lieberman…..Chris Parnell
Al Gore: Good evening. A little more than a month ago, Americans went to the polls to select a new President and Vice-President. And in that election, Joe Liverman and I received a clear majority of the Popular Vote. Yet, because neither I nor my opponent won the required 270 votes in the Electoral College – although I did win the Popular Vote – Americans still do not know who their next President will be. And until the votes in Florida are truly counted, we will never know. Is it me? Is it Governor Bush? Or is it Ralph Nader? Is it Socialist Worker’s Party candidate David McReynolds?
We will simply never know. This is what makes today’s ruling by the United States Supreme Court so unfortunate – the Court, in a narrow 5 to 4 decision, ordered the counting of Florida’s votes to be stopped, ensuring that the identity of our next President will forever remain a mystery. This regrettable action of the Supreme Court, instigated by Governor Bush, left me with one legal alternative – an alternative I’ve been unfortunately forced to persue. A few hours ago, acting through my attorneys, I filed suit with the Circuit Court of Leon County, Florida, against Governor George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, and the nine justices of the United States Supreme Court. In this lawsuit, I seek only what is fair – you know, that Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney concede the election, so that the will of the people may prevail. In addition, I’m seeking, from the defendants, $117,341 in compensatory damages, and $13.9 million in punitive damages. Now, with further details, I would like to introduce my attorney, Sidney Shyner. Sidney?
[ Sidney Shyner takes the podium ]
Sidney Shyner: Good evening. My name is Sidney Shyner, I’m the attorney for the Vice-President. During the course of the past four weeks, through this legal manueverings to prevent a true count of votes, Governor Bush has not only upset the wills of the citizens of Florida, but has caused my client extreme and prolonged pain and suffering. Not only has my client been denied the presidency, but as a result of Governor Bushs actions, has suffered headaches, dizzy spells, night sweats, shooting pains in his neck and lower back, loss of consortion, and acute sensitivity to odors. In addition, so severe is the emotional damage to my client, he has begun to appear stiff and awkward on television. [ Gore demonstrates ] Occasionally, even insincere. [ Gore stops ] Which has aversely affected his ability to persue a liveliehood. To correct these problems will require extensive therapy. The monetary damages we seek, large though they are, will cover barely a fraction of the cost. And let me add, for the record, I have no political interest in representing the Vice-President, and I am not in any way affiliated with the Democratic Party – Mr. Gore approached me after seeing my ad on the “Montel Williams Show”.
[ Gore returns to the podium ]
Al Gore: Thank you, Sidney. Senator Lieberman, do you have anything you want to add?
[ Joseph Lieberman, wearing a fake neck brace, takes the podium ]
Joseph Lieberman: Just two things. 1: Mr. Shyner will be representing me in my suit against the ABC Network and the producers of “Good Morning America”, rgarding their icy sidewalk. And, second: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”