Iceman: The Later Years


Iceman: The Later Years

Stewardess…..Ana Gasteyer
Co-Pilot #1…..Chris Parnell
Co-Pilot #2…..Will Ferrell
Iceman…..Val Kilmer

[ open in cockpit of 747 airplane ]

Stewardess: Anything I can get you guys before take-off?

Co-Pilot #1: No, I think we’re good. Just waiting for Captain..[ checks log ] ..Kazansky.

Co-Pilot #2: Wait.. not Tom Kazansky?

Co-Pilot #1: Yes. That’s what it says.

Co-Pilot #2: The ex-Navy fighter pilot who always brags about going to the Top Gun school, like, 15 years ago.

Co-Pilot #1: Yes. Is there a problem?

Iceman: [ enters cockpit, wearing cap with “Iceman” stitched in ] Yeah. There is a problem. You.. because you’re dangerous. [ pulls off his shades to revela another pair beneath ] You’re dangerous and foolish – and that makes you dangerous! Now, let’s cut the.. crap. [ removes second pair of shades ] We’ve got a plane to fly. Let’s try to be on time, okay?

Co-Pilot #1: [ stunned ] Okay..

[ show footage of scenes around the airport ] [ Music Over: “Danger Zone”, Kenny Loggins ] [ SUPER: “Iceman: The Later Years” ] [ cut back to cockpit ]

Iceman: Listen to me – you’re out of line! Your ego’s writingchecks your body can’t cash, and that makes you dangerous!

Stewardess: So, is that decaf, or regular coffee?

Iceman: Regular! And it’s “Iceman”!

Stewardess: I, uh.. I can see you wrote that on your hat there, Tom. [ walks away ]

Iceman: [ takes off his cap ] Hell of a bird! I got this baby up to a Mach 3 yesterday!

Co-Pilot #1: You were doing Mach 3 on a 727?

Iceman: I was shaving with a Mach 3! When you shave with a Mach 3, there’s no time to think! If you think, you’re dead!

Co-Pilot #2: What are you talking about?

Iceman: You guys are dangerous. [ looks out window ] Bogey!Repeat: Bogey! Come in, Butter 6, he’s got tone!

Co-Pilot #2: That’s the 9:35 out of Tampa. It’s taxiing!

Iceman: you guys are dangerous!

Co-Pilot #2: Tom, I’m gonna ask you to stop saying that.

[ Iceman gives a disturbed look ] [ show footage of scenes around the airport ] [ Music Over: “Danger Zone”, Kenny Loggins ] [ cut back to cockpit ]

Iceman: [ wearing helmet inscribed “Iceman”, yelling into theloudspeaker ] We’re forging, Negative Eye! It’s too close for missiles! We’re gonna shoot some guns!

Co-Pilot #1: [ translating into loudspeaker ] What Captain Kazansky means to say is that our in-flight movie today is “Duets”, starring Huey Lewis.

[ show footage of scenes around the airport ] [ Music Over: “Danger Zone”, Kenny Loggins ] [ cut back to cockpit ]

Co-Pilot #1: [ into loudspeaker ] On behalf of AVA Airlines, welcome to Flagstaff, and have a pleasant day.

Co-Pilot #2: Nice landing, Tom. See you guys tomorrow. [ startsto leave ]

Iceman: What a rush! Hey, why don’t we go to a hotel room, andshower, and dry off, and play some volleyball?

Co-Pilot #2: I don’t think that’s gonna happen, Tom. [ exits cockpit ]

Co-Pilot #1: Hey, I think I’m just gonna grab some sleep. You, uh.. do your thing.

Iceman: [ shakes hands ] You can be my wing-man any time!

Co-Pilot #1: Yeah.. great. Whatever. [ exits cockpit ]

Iceman: Don’t go. [ to himself ] These guys are dangerous..

[ pan out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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