Val Kilmer’s Monologue


Val Kilmer’s Monologue

…..Val Kilmer
Clarence…..Darrell Hammond
…..Horatio Sanz
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Molly Shannon
…..Chris Parnell
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Chris Kattan

Val Kilmer: Straight up, I want to thank all the cast and writers of “Saturday Night Live”, relaly, really brilliant.

I was actually asked to host a couple of times, but I.. chickened out. Even backstage, I was just thinking, “God, I would just like to be out in the house, or home, watching on TV..

[ Clarence, the angel from “It’s A Wonderful Life” appears ]

Clarence: Well, now you’ve got your wish.

Val Kilmer: Oh, no.. who are you?

Clarence: I’m Clarence, the angel from “It’s A Wonderful Life”.

Val Kilmer: But I didn’t wish I was never born..

Clarence: I know. You wished you had never hosted “Saturday Night Live”. Come with me, won’t you, young man. I’m going to show you what would have happened if you hadn’t hosted the show. [ they walk over to the night’s first stage, The Great Frog Society, where Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon and Molly Shannon sit disapoointed in their Keith Moon, Buddy Holly and Janis Joplin costumes, respectively ] Take a look at this.

Val Kilmer: Oh, they’re sad..

Clarence: They don’t look very happy, do they, Val?

Val Kilmer: Gosh.. they were all so funny in the sketch..

Clarence: Oh, yes.

Val Kilmer: Why are they so down?

Clarence: Well, the sketch about The Doors never made it to air, because you weren’t there to hot the show! [ walks over to the next stage, Chris Parnell leaning against an airplane cockpit set ] And, look, over here. Poor Chris Parnell, he was hilarious in this “Top Gun” sketch during rehearsals, and he would have been even funnier on air when Mr. Steven Spielberg was in the crowd.

Val Kilmer: Spielburg came?

Clarence: Uh, he came to see U.. 2! Uh.. he’s a big Bono fan. Anyway, he discovered Chris Parnell and put him in his next movie, and Chris Parnell became an international sensation!

Val Kilmer: Wow.. Parnell became a big movie star..

Chris Parnell: Is that so hard to believe, Val? [ shoves him ] Jackass!

Clarence: Oh, my..

Val Kilmer: You said that they couldn’t see or hear me..?

Clarence: I never said that! Come over here! [ walks over to Tracy Morgan standing silently alone ] Poor Tracy Morgan.

Val Kilmer: Tracy really looks sad.. Because I didn’t host the show, he wasn’t in it?

Clarence: No.. he wasn’t in the show, anyway. He’s sad because he usually sells weed to the audience and picks up an extra $500. But, see, since there was no show, you know the rest.. [ walks past Chris Kattan dressed as Mango ] Oh, no, here’s the saddest of all.

Val Kilmer: Kattan lookd horrible. Is he that shaken Mango wasn’t gonna be on the show?

Clarence: Well, it was cut at dress, but he’s so upset about it, later tonight he takes his own life.

Val Kilmer: What? Oh, my God..

Clarence: Yes.. No! I’m yanking your chain! But, this one does cry a great deal and wears the costume for days.

Val Kilmer: To the after-show party?

Clarence: No! There is no after-show party, young man. There’s no show, no party, nothing – because you didn’t host!

Val Kilmer: Well.. what happens to me, Clarence.. how does my life change?

Clarence: Oh, I don’t think you want to know that..

Val Kilmer: No, Ido, Clarence! Tell me what happens!

Clarence: Well.. you stay at home, watching TV.. drink a few beers.. order a pizza from Domino’s.. and you eat it and fall asleep, like most people your age! That’s it!

Val Kilmer: Wow.. I do want to host the show!

Clarence: Well, get up there, young man!

[ Val runs back to Home Base ]

Val Kilmer: I feel better already! Well, we do have a great show! [ hears some bells ] Oh, is that Clarence getting his wings?

Darrell Hammond: [ removing his Clarence wig offstage ] No, that means I’m getting ready for the next sketch.

Val Kilmer: Oh, alright. Okay, then, U2 is actually on this show, then? Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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