Palm Beach


Palm Beach

Katherine Harris…..Ana Gasteyer
Jeb Bush…..Val Kilmer
George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond
Tom Brokaw…..Chris Parnell

Announcer: When life is uncertain, and results are unclear.. then youmust be in Palm Beach..

[ cue title graphic, dissolve to George W, Al, Katherine Harris, Jeb, andFlorida Supreme Court, dissolve back to title graphic over image of GeorgeW. laughing behind Al’s back ] [ open on Katherine Harris fixing herself a drink ]

Katherine Harris: Well, Jeb, with the Supreme Court’s ruling to stopthe recount, Al Gore is finally finished. It’s everything I’ve worked for.

Jeb Bush: And what about us, Katherine?

Katherine Harris: Us? [ laughs ] You silly boy! There never wasany “us”. What happened in the skybox at the Dolphins game was.. just afling. I’m gonna be an ambassador! Do you think I’d jeopardize my careerfor some beurocrat named “Jeb”? Ha!

Jeb Bush: It meant more to us than that. [ kisses Katherine ]

Katherine Harris: Stop, you’ll ruin my makeup.

Jeb Bush: Damn you, Katherine! Why.. I have half a mind togive your job back to Nikki Cox.

Katherine Harris: So go ahead. [ pause ] I didn’t think so. Alwaysthe conservative, aren’t you, Jeb?

George W. Bush: [ stumbles into the room ] Hey, hey, it’s me, hey..Uh, Jeb.. the computer’s doing that thing again. Can you fix it for me, so Ican finish my game of Tetris?

Jeb Bush: Of course, Georgie. [ to Katherine ] Even presidents needtheir computers. [ exits room ]

George W. Bush: Hey, Katherine. I’ve been thinking about my cabinet.Who do you think would make a better Secretary of the Interior – Nolan Ryanor The Rock?

Katherine Harris: [ sits him down on the couch ] You’re thinking toohard, George. [ massages his shoulders ] You look.. tense.

George W. Bush: Heck, I just can’t wait ’til all this President junkis over next week.. so I can go back to hunting and executing.

Katherine Harris: Next week? You know you have to President forfour years.

George W. Bush: [ angry ] What?! [ stands ] That blows!I’m gonna kill Dick Cheney! He told me it was like winning a fishingcontest – you win a trophy, you take your picture, and you’re done!

Katherine Harris: Don’t worry – it’ll go by fast, with me byyuor side.

Katherine Harris’ Thoughts: You’ve got him right where you want him,Katherine. [ laughs ]

George W. Bush’s Thoughts: The Rock is stronger. But Nolan Ryan’s wise.Presidenting is hard!

[ Katherine and George W. lean in for a kiss, but are interrupted by thearrival of Al Gore ]

Al Gore: Hello, George W.! Hello, Katherine!

Katherine Harris: Al! I thought you were dead.

Al Gore: I’m Al Gore. I just appear to be that way.

George W. Bush: [ angry ] Hey, Al! I saw you on TV today! Youinterrupted the “Rugrats”!

Al Gore: That’s right, George W. I was accusing you of circumventingthe Democratic process in the name of personal ambition.

George W. Bush: [ laughs ] You said “circumventing”!

Al Gore: [ pours himself a drink ] Ms. Harris, isn’t it inappropriatefor you to be here?

Katherine Harris: Guess what, Al? I’m always gonna be here.Everywhere you turn, this face will be staring at you! [ smiles wickedly ]I’m gonna crush you!

Al Gore: Damn you, Woman! Not in front of the boy!

George W. Bush: [ sobbing ] Why are you yelling?! Be friends!

Katherine Harris: Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m meeting JusticeScalia for cocktails at the Viscayne Club. [ exits ]

Al Gore: [ sighs, and walks towards George W. ] She’s a real pieceof work.

George W. Bush: Yeah. She’s a “circumvent”! [ laughs ] Right?

Jeb Bush: [ re-enters ] Hey, guys. Dick Cheney just had anotherheart attack..

George W. Bush: [ panics ] No-o-o! He promised he wouldn’t!First, Poppy with the hip replacement, now this! Where are all thegrown-ups? [ runs into the corner and cries ] [ Al and Jeb sit on the couch ]

Al Gore: Jeb, let me ask you something. You seem to care a lot aboutthis country. When you saw your brother actually had a chance of winning,were you ever tempted to tell everyone how he’s.. well, you know.. “special”?

Jeb Bush: Shh.. I tried.. but believe me – the more people that learnedabout his disability, the more popular he became.. like Tom Arnold.

Al Gore: You’re a good man, Jeb.

Jeb Bush: Only by comparison. [ points to George W. in the corner ] [ suddenly, Tom Brokaw enters the room ]

Tom Brokaw: Hello, Jeb. Hello, Al.

Jeb Bush: Tom! Tom Brokaw!

Al Gore: [ stands ] What are you doing here?

Tom Brokaw: Well, it was just announced that the Supreme Court willhear arguments Monday afternoon. And Sandra Day O’Conner is pregnant.. withJames Baker’s baby.

[ close-up of Al’s tightened, worried face ] [ close-up of confused Jeb ] [ close-up of George W. playing with a ball of yarn like a cat ]

God bless us all!

Al Gore: It’s this town! It’s.. it’s evil.. it’s.. [ singing ]“Palm Bea-each”!

[ fade to title graphic ]

Announcer: And so it goes, in the city called.. “Palm Beach”.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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