SNL Transcripts: Val Kilmer: 12/09/00: Veronica & Co.



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 7


00g: Val Kilmer / U2

Veronica & Co.

Veronica Kilvere…..Molly Shannon
Dr.Marshall Reames…..Val Kilmer
Jeannie Fukal…..Ana Gasteyer
Kevin Aquarius…..Chris Parnell

[Opens with logo of Veronica & Co. on the wall. Technomusic plays. Veronica is standing on the catwalk wearsa fashionable black dress, the stage behind her hasher guests sitting in their chairs, the audiencesurrounds the catwalk]

Veronica Kilvere:[foreign accent] Hi, you guys! I’mVeronica Kilvere, European supermodel and this is myshow, “Veronica and Company” It’s a show….[Audienceapplauds]Thank you so much. Thank you. It’s a showabout people and issues and people talking about theseissues. So let’s get started. Today my guests are Dr.Marshall Reames from Women’s Health Clinic[dumbblonde, dumb smile]Jeannie Fukal, which is famous forher cookies[frumpy, nerdy looking woman]and a funnysilver robot man from Times Squares which is namedKevin Aquarius.[Man in all tight silver outfit, silverpainted face makes robot-like military salute]He’shysterical! OK, let’s crank this baby up and getstarted![Techno music plays, she struts down thecatwalk, poses, goes back and joins his guests, shesits]I love my show!! So, who wants to talk first onmy show “Veronica and Company”?

Jeannie Fukal: Uh, well I could talk about my modelingcareer but I don’t have one.[Giggles]So I’ll just talkabout my cookies.

Veronica Kilvere: OK.

Jeannie Fukal: OK, these are my dark-chocolate mudbars, OK?[Shows plate with cookies]And these won methe Duncan Hines Bake Off.[Shows crappy trophy in theshape of an oven mitt holding a batter utensil]Theywon me these trophy and $4,000.[Veronica and Jeanniegiggle intensely]

Veronica Kilvere: I feel so lucky because all I haveto do is put on a bikini, be the bomb and I’m makingsomething which is like hundreds of thousands ofdollars![Cracks herself up]Which is awesome!!

Jeannie Fukal: Well, you must need a very big coinpurse.[Giggles]

Veronica Kilvere: Definitely![More hard laughs]So, whoelse would like to ask question or say something on myshow?

[Dumb blonde all giddy]

Dr. Marshall Reames: I will.

Veronica Kilvere: OK![Giggles]

Dr. Marshall Reames: You’re so funny! You’re so g.d.hilarious! I love this woman![claps]

Veronica Kilvere: Dr. Reames, tell us about Women’sClinic which you founded.

Dr. Marshall Reames: You’re doing a bit, right? That’shilarious! That’s great![laughs]

Veronica Kilvere: No, seriously doctor. I want to knowabout you’re job.

Dr. Marshall Reames:[serious]I’m not a doctor. I’m anactor.[laughs]You’re so….[confused look onVeronica]Yeah, its the series, you know “GideonsCrossing”. I play a ladies doctor and then you know,in real life I play doctor with the ladies.

Veronica Kilvere: Oh, my God![laughs]I can’t believethis because I thought you were a real doctor becauseyou have exam table in your apartment![They bothlaugh]

Dr. Marshall Reames: I checked her out! She’s reallyhealthy![laughs hard]

Veronica Kilvere: Why do want to be fake doctor?[Dumbblonde is confused, can’t believe the question] Why doyou want to be fake doctor?

Dr. Marshall Reames: Seriously? Well, I’m an actor, solike if I play a gynecologist, so if I tell women thatI am like a gynecologist sometimes, like you, theybelieve me.

Veronica Kilvere: And believe me they do. Because hehas stirrups and everything![laughs hard]

Dr. Marshall Reames: What can I say? Acting is mygig![happy as can be]

Veronica Kilvere: Doctor, I like acting too. I did apart in a movie and the line goes like this, uh, “HeyCarlos, we will seat here all day until you admit thatyou swallowed a condom of cocaine”.

Jeannie Fukal: Oh, wow!

Dr. Marshall Reames: That’s amazing![claps]

Veronica Kilvere: Thank you.[little bow;laughs]And nowto top it off on my show “Veronica and Company” theamazing silver robot which is Kevin Aquarius fromTimes Squares[Kevin makes victory sign]Kevin show uswhy you deserve quarter in a cup.

[Dance music plays. Kevin does very good robotic dance moves]

Veronica Kilvere: I love this!

Jeannie Fukal: How does he do that?

Veronica Kilvere: I love it. It’s great. Sogreat.[music stops]Wooooo!!!

[Kevin bows, everyone applauds]

Veronica Kilvere: Oh, he’s awesome!, he’s awesome!

Jeannie Fukal: Wow!

Veronica Kilvere: Here, Kevin Aquarius have a cookieplease?[gives Kevin cookie from Jeanie’s plate; Kevineats it]Oh, my gosh! Kevin, do you have anything elseto say on my show?

[Kevin is seriously choking, pulls out little cardfrom his sleeve, gives it to Veronica]

Veronica Kilvere: What? Oh, my gosh! I’ll take alook.[reads little card]”This food contains peanuts. Ihave severe nut allergy. Please call adoctor”[laughs]Well, luckily we have doctor in thehouse![laughs]

Dr. Marshall Reames: No, you don’t.[concerned laugh]

Veronica Kilvere: Oh, that’s right! I don’t. OK, wellthat’s the end of our show, you guys! Thank you somuch for joining here on “Veronica & Company” Join menext week when my guest will talk about subjects whichare politics, how to buy purse, and at least 15 otherthings on “Veronica and Company”. Let’s work it tillthe cows come home, you guys. Veronica.

[Techno music plays. Veronica struts down the catwalk,poses. Jeannie dances badly, dumb blonde just stareswith dumb grin on his face, Kevin is still choking,grabs his neck] [Veronica & Co. logo] [Cheers and Applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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