Murder in the Make Believe Ballroom


Murder in the Make Believe Ballroom

Robert Goulet…..Will Ferrell

[ open on Announcer interviewing people on the street ]

Announcer: Say, you gonna get that new Jay-Z album?

Old Man: [ put off ] Are you kidding?

Old Lady: That guy stinks!

Announcer: You gonna buy any Jay-Z for your friends?

Second Old Lady: Hell, no! I hate that music!

Announcer: Can I interest you in a rap album by Jay-Z?

Second Old Man: I hardly think so!

Announcer: What if he raps with Robert Goulet?

Second Old Man: Robert Goulet?! Oh, why didn’t you say so!

[ cut to goulet sitting in his vehicle in the woods ]

Robert Goulet: Hello, I’m Robert Goulet! “Dadoo da dee da!” Do you like good music – I do. Iknow I’mnot afraid to admit it. That’s what makes me sort of a rebel in this biz. Sort of like my very good hombre, Jay-Z, here, and his couderie of ne’er-do-wells. Mmm-hmm. He’s not afraid to slap around the suits if the checks don’t roll in. Just like I’ve never held back my fists in a roomful of industry dagos.

That’s why we burned it up on my second full-length rap-and-roll album. This one’s called “Murder in the Make Believe Ballroom” [ laughs ] I know – too inside. But I can’t resist. Me and the boys here do all of the Jay-Z hits. It’s a cocktail with a splash of Jay-Z and two fingers of Goulet. Here’s what I’m talking about:

Jay-Z: [ singing ]“Gotta a lot of beef, so logically, stay on my toes
Gotta a lot of beef, so logically, I..”

I don’t know the words. You take it, amigo..

Robert Goulet: Alright.
[ singing ]“It’s the hard knock life, for us
It’s the hard knock life, for us!!
Steada treated, we get tricked
Steada kisses, we get kicked
It’s the hard knock life.”

Cut the tracks! Stuff like that. You get the professional pipes of Goulet, and the laughs of the real hustler, Jay-Z. Okay, I know what you’re thinking – Goulet, what industry honcho did you piss off this time to get this gig? But that ain’t the deal-io. These dogs got chops! Bend an ear!

Jay-Z & Posse: [ singing ]“Relax your mind, let your conscience be free
You’re now rollin with them thugs from the R-O-C
Sigel Sigel in the house

Uh-huh, sick bastard
Get your wig pushed back by the wig push-backer

Uhh, uhh, Memph Bleek in the house

Still here, never left
Still bust, more or less, still puff – beeatch!”

Robert Goulet: [ singing ]“Who the fluck want one, baby
Catch me in the South Beach, baby
Out of the reach of the police, gat on my lap
Bitch on my back, yak in my pocket, smokin’ that sticky chocolate..”

Yeah, it’s a whole album full of that junk! It’s “Murder in the Make Believe Ballroom”. The posse from the R.O.C., and me, Robert Goulet. There’s no law that says you gotta buy it – but, keep in mind, I’ve been known to participate in a few drive-bys. Oh, yeah – ask Merv Griffin.

Hey, we gotta hit the road and promote this doo-hickey, so I’ll see.. [ bighorn sheep enters ] Wait a darn minute! Is this serendipity, or what? Here comes my old friend, the bighorn sheep! Maybe he needs a little pull on the funny stuff there. Jay-Z? Huh? He’s got big lungs.

[ Jay-Z and his posse hold marijuana joints to the shee’s mouth, cracking up all the while ]

Hey, look – hey, fellas, you curled his horns! Anyway, check out the jams, it’ll blow your mind. Or my name ain’t.. Robert Gou-le-e-e-e-et!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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