Jarret’s Room

Jarret’s Room

Jarret…..Jimmy Fallon
Gobi…..Horatio Sanz
Jenna…..Lucy Liu
Daniel…..Chris Parnell


Jarret: Hey dudes, you’re logging on for the first time. My name’s Jarret, I’ve been a junior here for the past two years at Hampshire College, or as I like to call it, Hempshire College. I live on the third floor at Lima Hall on a schweet three man overlooking the quad, and I do this webcast 24-7, 365. The only time you don’t get to see me is when I come out of the shower, and the other day when I saw the movie ‘Stepmom’ and started to cry. My first guest today is my good bud. I met him four years ago when he was a sophomore, and he’s still a sophomore. I think he’s like 35 or something. Please welcome, my roommate and my homie, Gobi.

[Gobi enters, wearing a ‘Funkin Gonuts’ t-shirt]

Gobi: Attention Earthlings! Take me to your dealer! [laughing] Wassup bro-bro! Hey Jarret man, is it true? Did Phish break up?

Jarret: Dude, you’ve asked me that question every day for the past month. I told you they’re just not gonna tour for a while.

Gobi: Oh, man, I can’t believe it. Hey man, check out my new t-shirt! Funkin Gonuts! [laughs] You get it?

Jarret: Yeah, I get it.

Gobi: Naw, I don’t think you get it. Funkin Go Nuts!

Jarret: Yeah, yeah, Dunkin Donuts, Funkin Gonuts, I get it.

Gobi: [amazed] Dunkin Donuts…[laughs] That works on two levels!

[Jarret brings out a bandana and a package of M&M’s]

Jarret: Anyway, Gobi’s here to teach us how to make a hacky sack out of a bandanna and some M&M’s. [pause] Dude, are you burnt right now?

Gobi: No…yes. [laughs and starts eating the M&M’s]

Jarret: You’re totally burnt! You haven’t left your room in a week! You’re not gonna show us how to make a hacky sack, huh?

Gobi: No! Dude, can I crash here?

Jarret: Yeah, go ahead, I don’t care.

Gobi: [sits down] Oh, man, I’mma lay down. …[singing] It’s time to go on with the show!

Jarret: Anyway, that was my roommate, Gobi. Now is the time for my favorite part of the show, it’s what I like to call ‘What Jarret’s Into This Week’ This week I’m all about the Midnight Tokers, they’re this Steve Miller cover band. Last week Gobi and I camped out for tickets. Check out these pictures, dudes. [types on keyboard]

[cut to a picture of Jarret and Gobi in the lineup playing bongo drums]

Jarret: We decided we were going to start a drum circle and drum all night.

[cut to a picture of them being sent out by security]

Jarret: This guy decided we weren’t. We agreed to disagree.

[cut to a picture of Jarret and Gobi with a dog]

Jarret: Oh, this is Gobi’s dog. He named it ‘The Bassist from Phish.’ We got it baked, it was hilarious!

[cut to a picture of the dog humping Jarret’s leg]

Jarret: Oh man, I don’t remember THAT happening!

[cut to Jarret’s room camera]

Jarret: Anyway, it was corduroy. My next guest was my RA last year. She’s my girl this year. She busted me for cooking Triscuit pizzas on my halogen lamp. She was kind of mad at first, but then we spent a romantic evening together, watching Deuce Bigalow and doing a shot of beer every minute for a hundred minutes. After that, we totally hooked up, and then we vomited, and then we hooked up again, and then we vomited. Please welcome my girl, Jenna.

[Jenna enters, Gobi begins to fall asleep]

Jenna: Wassup, Jar, sup, Gobi! [looks into the camera] Are you still doing this webcast thing?

Jarret: Yeah, get out of the camera!

Jenna: You mean people can see me now? Maybe I should show them my new piercing!

Jarret: [shocked] Oh My God! You shouldn’t show anyone that!

Jenna: [laughs] Nobody’s gonna see it! The only people that are gonna see this thing are you and Gobi!

Jarret: That’s not true. I’ve got fans all over the world, I’m international.

Jenna: You got, like, one email from some weird dude in Iceland.

Jarret: Yeah, shout out to Ya-org!

Jenna: You’re so lame, Jar.

Jarret: What’s your prob, Jen?

Jenna: You’re my prob, don’t be ridic!

Jarret: Whatevz!

Jenna: You never S any T with me anymore!

[pause]

Jarret: [confused] Un-abbreviate that.

Jenna: You never spend any time with me anymore?

Jarret: Oh, I’m so sorry, I apol.

[Daniel enters]

Daniel: Jarret, would you please keep it down? Some of us would like to graduate!

Jarret: Those of you that aren’t familiar with that…weird voice, it belongs to my roommate Daniel. He’s a floater, he’s always going to class and stuff. A couple days ago, while he was sleeping, Gobi shaved off his pubs and glued ’em to his face.

Jenna: [laughs]

Daniel: Another thing, I set my VCR to record Quantum Leap last night. Who touched it?

Jenna: Hey Danny, like, what happened to your beard?

Daniel: Shut up, freakshow! Narc!

[he exits]

Jenna: Hey Jar?

Jarret: Yeah?

Jenna: Remember when we went snowboarding last at Hillington?

Jarret: Yeah, it was rad! ‘Member I did that schweet rodeo flip that was inverted and everybody was all clapping and stuff?

Jenna: No, you were on the bunny slope and you were like, crying and everyone was helping you to the in-Firm-a-Ry!

Jarret: My snot froze in both my nostrils, what did you want me to do? I couldn’t breathe!

Jenna: Well, it was like, embarrassing and I don’t think we should like, hang out anymore.

Jarret: I’m not embarrassing all the time! I cooked you a gourmet dinner!

Jenna: Yeah, you made me like, ramen noodles on the Rad-i-a-Tor!

Jarret: What are you trying to say?

Jenna: I’m sayin’ we’re like, breakin’ up.

Jarret: That’s cool.

Jenna: And not like Ben and Gwyneth when we still have sex sometimes, this is for like, real!

Jarret: [outraged] Well, I can’t believe it, that sucks! We’re breakin’ up?

Gobi: [waking up] Dude? Phish broke up?

Jarret: Naw, dude, go back! [he exits] This is awful.

Jenna: Lates, Jar! [she exits]

Jarret: Can’t believe this is the fourth time a girl’s breaking up with me has been broadcast over the internet.

[Gobi appears with bongo drums]

Gobi: Hey, dude! Let’s do a drum circle!

[he begins to drum]

Jarret: Alright, tune in tomorrow when my guest will be my roommate Gobi, and Steve the janitor who kind of looks like Jerry Garcia a little bit. This is Jarret logging off. Lates!

[Jarret begins to drum]

[blue bear background appears]

Thanks to Ann*e Husseyfor this transcript.

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