Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Robin Williams…..Jimmy Fallon
Catherine Zeta-Jones…..Lucy Liu
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Alex Trebek: And welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. Because of what just happened before during the commercial, I’d like to apologize to all blind people and children. That said, let’s take a look at the scores. Robin Williams has set a Jeopardy record by buzzing in 2,000 times and never answering a question.
Robin Williams: Yes, Thank you, yes, Jeopardy, yes. [ Walks over to Trebek ] I heal you, my boy you are healed. We have found Tom Selic’s mustache, yes. It’s time to go over here and look at the scoreboard. What do we have here, oh Vana White. Can we turn the letters? She’s making a vowel movement. Yes. Oh, hi, I’m Robert Downy Jr. Robert Downy Jr. wants a recount, yes, and here’s a kid at home going [ whining ]
Alex Trebek: Thank you, thank you. Moving on. Catherine Zeta Jones has no score at all because she’s mostly been talking about her recent marriage.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Alex, I’d like to say hello to my new baby and wonderful husband. Michael, darling, if you’re watching, the diapers in the bedroom closet and the baby’s diapers are under the sink. I love you darling.
Alex Trebek: That’s beautiful. And finally, Sean Connery’s also here let’s move on to Double Jeopardy where the categories –
Sean Connery: Not so fast Trebek.
Alex Trebek: I really thought that was going to work.
Sean Connery: Well, you were wrong, you mountebank. I pose a conundrum to ya, I riddle if you will
Alex Trebek: I don’t want to hear it.
Sean Connery: What’s the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One’s a sick duck and I can’t remember how it ends, but your mother’s a whore. [ Laughs ]
Alex Trebek: Wonderful. Let’s take a look at the categories. They are: Potent Potables, Point to your own head, Letters or Numbers, Will this hurt if you put it in your mouth, An album cover, Make any noise, and finally, Famous Muppet Frogs. I should add that the answer to every question in that category is Kermit.
Robin Williams: Thank you, yes, Kermit. Yes it’s like Kermit and John Wayne goin, “It’s not easy being green, pilgrim.” It’s like Schwarzenegger,”Ya, I’m Kermit the frog, ya that’s me, Schwarzenegger Kermit.”
Sean Connery: Boy, you might be legally retarded.
Alex Trebek: He has a point. All right, Catherine Zeta Jones we’ll start with you.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: I’ll take Giraffes for a billion.
Alex Trebek: Let’s just go with Letters or Numbers for 200. And the answer is “five.” Is five a letter or a number? The number five, is it a number? [ ring ] Mr. Williams.
Robin Williams: Oh, it’s a beautiful thing yes, right now there’s a guy at home goin [ motions a remote control w/ his hand ] what the hell’s goin on there, why don’t you change –
Alex Trebek: Thank you. Thank you. [ ring ] Mr. Williams, you already rang in.Robin Williams: Yes, it’s a beautiful thing, though. Monica Lewinsky’s at home goin’ [ screams ]
Alex Trebek: Thank you, thank you, anyone else. [ ring ] Mr. Williams, I hate you.
Robin Williams: But I love you! It’s like Jesse Helms and Michael Jackson going, “Yo quiero Taco Bell!”
Alex Trebek: You are a very sick man. Anyone besides Mr. Williams? [ beep ] Five is of course, a number. Catherine Zeta Jones, sadly, it’s still your board.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: I’ll take TV shows that did stories about my wedding for 300.
Alex Trebek: For the last time, that is not a category. Sean Connery, why don’t you pick?
Sean Connery: Well, the game is afoot. I’ll take anal bum cover for 7,000.
Alex Trebek: That’s An album cover, not anal bum cover.
Sean Connery: I can read, Trebek. That says Anal bum cover. I’ve spent five years of my life trying to invent an anal bum cover, failing to do so is my greatest regret.
Alex Trebek: You have lead a horrifying life. The category is An album cover and the answer is: The Beatles White album is this color. [ ring ] Catherine Zeta Jones.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Who are the Beatles?
Alex Trebek: I’m sorry, that’s wrong.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: No, I’m asking you, who are the Beatles, I’ve never heard of them. [ ring ]
Robin Williams: Oh, the Beatles, oh yes, what if they were the Volkswagon Beatles? Then they’d be in the back going, “I wanna hold your farfigneugent”
Alex Trebek: For the love of God, shut your mouth. I’ll tell you what, let’s just go to final Jeopardy. And the category is, you know what? You guys just decide. You each ask your own question and answer it. There’s no way you can get this wrong, because you’re asking the question. Ask yourself anything at all and then answer it. You’d have to be the dumbest people in the world to mess this up; and now let’s see how you managed to mess it up. Robin Williams wrote: Nothing. Because he stuck his pen through his own hand.
Robin Williams: Yes, you know what it’s like, suddenly it’s like a Shakespearean actor who’s gay going, “Tell us for york I” [ Trebek grabs pen and sticks it deeper into Williams’ hand ]
Alex Trebek: Don’t ever come here again. Catherine Zeta Jones, asked herself this question: What sound does a doggy make? Fine. And you answered: [ Blank ] You didn’t know the answer? You couldn’t answer your own question?
Catherine Zeta-Jones: It was hard.
Alex Trebek: Unbelievable. And finally, Sean Connery asked himself: [ Show half a picture of a horse having sex w/ Trebek ] Ok, I, I think I know where this is going. Let me just see here, [ Looks over podium ] Yeah, yeah, that’s a horse having sex with me. Ok. That’s beautiful.
Sean Connery: Come on, you pansy, let the people see my work.
Alex Trebek: No, we’re not going to do that. Ok, I quit, again. Good night.
Thanks to HeRzDogG for this trancript!