The Iron Chef

The Iron Chef

Master of Ceremonies…..Chris Kattan
American Bachelor Chef…..Charlie Sheen
Iron Chef Japanese…..Horatio Sanz
Yoko Akino…..Molly Shannon
Toshi Taguda…..Chris Parnell
Hiroko Yamazaki…..Rachel Dratch
Yakimuro Saijo…..Darrell Hammond
Emeril…..Chris Parnell

Master of Ceremonies: Today in Kitchen Stadium, the Iron Chef takes on an American challenger, in the battle of Iron Chef Japanese vs. the American Bachelor Chef. The Iron Chef Japanese, Machiharo Karomotu, comes from the Kutimano School of Cooking, and is known for his fusion of western influences in traditional Japanese cuisine. And the American Bachelor Chef, Derek Parsons, worked at a snack bar for two summers, and once made chili to impress a girl he wanted to have sex with.

American Bachelor Chef: What’s up, Japan? I’m gonna kick your ass tonight, just like we kicked your ass in Vietnam!

Master of Ceremonies: Now it is time to introduce today’s theme ingredient. [ pulls cloth ] Shark Heads! The chefs must use shark heads in all of their dishes. [ chefs take their trays of shark heads back to their stoves ] Let’s meet our celebrity judges: Singer Yoko Akino..

Yoko Akino: I’m so happy to be here! [ giggles ]

Master of Ceremonies: Photographer Toshi Taguda..

Toshi Taguda: Yes, ladies, it’s me!

Master of Ceremonies: Fortune Teller Hiroko Yamazaki..

Hiroko Yamazaki: Thank you for having me!

Master of Ceremonies: And famous murderer Yakimuro Saijo..

Yakimuro Saijo: I can’t wait to get my mouth on those shark heads!

Master of Ceremonies: Let’s see how our chefs are doing. Iron Chef Japanese has just taken a shark head, and is rolling them in dry mullen rum.

Yoko Akino: Mmm.. these shark heads look so shiny and delicious! [ giggles ]

Toshi Taguda: What’s that he’s soaking them in? Seaweed juice?

Hiroko Yamazaki: Yes.. it looks like a mixture of seaweed juice, sake, and pureed sparrow eyes.

Yakimuro Saijo: Mmm.. you don’t get food like that in prison, believe me..

[ the judges laugh ]

Master of Ceremonies: The challenger is doing something very unusual.. He has placed a shark head on a round piece of bread.

Hey, Miuto! I found out what’s in the challenger’s dish!

Master of Ceremonies: Uh, yes. What is it?

The bread is called a bagel! The challenger has placed a shark head on the bagel, and is covering it with pizza sauce, and has crushed it up with Pringles and Velveeta!

American Bachelor Chef: I make these at the Superbowl every year, and I always get laid!

[ judges laugh ]

Master of Ceremonies: The Iron Chef has begun a second dish! Mr. Mori Moru is using a very rare and expensive Japanese ingredient.

Toshi Taguda: Is that what I think it is?

Master of Ceremonies: Yes, eel farts.

Toshi Taguda: He’s infusing the rice with eel farts. Very impressive!

Yakimuro Saijo: I can smell them from here! It’s making me so hungry, I could murder someone!

[ the judges laugh ]

Master of Ceremonies: Settle down, famous murderer! You can taste the food, after this commercial.

[ cut to commercial starring Emeril ]

Emeril: Ladies, this is Emeril Legasse, saying breast cancer is a serious problem! Kick it up a notch, check for lumps – bam!!

[ cut back to “Iron Chef” ]

Master of Ceremonies: Iron Chef, do you feel confident about the dishes you are presenting?

Iron Chef Japanese: I have doen the best I can.

Master of Ceremonies: And how about you, American Bachelor Chef? Are you feeling confident?

American Bachelor Chef: Dude, I have no idea what you’re saying right now, but your face is cracking me up! [ laughs ]

Master of Ceremonies: The Iron Chef has prepared three dishes – Shark Head and Seaweed and Sparrow Eyes, Boiled Shark Head, and Shark Head Rice with Eel Farts.

Yakimuro Saijo: I love the seaweed juice, but I thought the eel farts were a little salty.

Yoko Akino: I agree. But I think the Boiled Shark Head is divine! I can’t stop eating it!

Master of Ceremonies: The challenger, also presenting three dishes – Shark Head Nachos, Mini Shark Head Pizzas, and Pillsbury Biscuits with Shark Head.

Hiroko Yamazaki: I am a fortune teller, and I predict these Shark Heads will go in my belly!

Yoko Akino: This pizza is so enticing and so aggressive. It reminds me of my hit song “Blue Jeans On Fire.” [ singing ] “Blue jeans on fire.. Chevrolet Elvis.. Blue jeans on fire.. New York, let’s go!” [ giggles ]

Toshi Taguda: I thought the Shark Head Nachos were delightful. It made me feel American, like I was a man with blue eyes, kissing a girl with a big ass.

Master of Ceremonies: And the winner is… American Bachelor Chef!

American Bachelor Chef: Suck on that, Speed Racer! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Master of Ceremonies: Alright, join us next time on “Iron Chef”, when the theme ingredient will be fish tumors. Good day!

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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