Charlie Sheen’s Monologue


Charlie Sheen’s Monologue

…..Charlie Sheen
Woman #1 In Audience…..Paula Pell
Man #1 In Audience…..
…..Tracy Morgan
Man #2 In Audience…..Steve Higgins
Man #3 In Audience…..Dennis McNicholas
Woman #2 In Audience…..Meredeith Walker

Charlie Sheen: Thank you very much, thank you! It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’m excited, because I joined the cast of “Spin City” this year. Thank you. It was amazing to get the role, ’cause, you know, I’ve lived a pretty wild life, with the drinking, and the hookers, and the drugs.. and the hookers.. I’m not proud of what I did, but I don’t mind talking about my experiences if they can help somebody, you know? So, if anyone has any questions.. [ acknowledges audience member ] Yes. You.

Woman #1 In Audience: Hey, Charlie. If I was a hooker, how much could I charge?

Charlie Sheen: [ bothered by the question ] Pardon me?

Woman #1 In Audience: Just a ballpark figure – and I won’t do any of the kinky stuff, either. What do you think?

Charlie Sheen: I don’t know.. $100, maybe?

Woman #1 In Audience: Really? Wow! Thank you!

Charlie Sheen: You’re welcome. [ points to man in audience ] Yes. You.

Man #1 In Audience: Hey, Chas-man. How much do you think I could get for this bag of weed? [ holds it up ]

Charlie Sheen: Well.. uh.. actually, I don’t know.. I never really smoked that much weed..

Man #1 In Audience: That’s cool.. uh.. how about, uh.. this bag? [ pulls out bag of cocaine ]

Charlie Sheen: [ looks carefully ] $1200.

[ Tracy Morgan approaches Man #1 and makes his purchase ]

Charlie Sheen: Anyone else?

Man #2 In Audience: Hey, Charlie Sheen!

Charlie Sheen: Uh, yes, your question?

Man #2 In Audience: Yeah, I saw that garbageman movie you made with your brother.

Charlie Sheen: You mean, “Men At Work”?

Man #2 In Audience: You tell me. Did you make another garbageman movie with your brother?

Charlie Sheen: Uh, no, I didn’t.. just “Men At Work”.. [ takes out his wallet ] Did you see it at night, or during the day?

Man #2 In Audience: Night.

Charlie Sheen: You probably had a date, bought some popcorn – looking at you, it’s probably a big tub.. [ hands him some money ] Here you go.. [ Man #2 takes the money ] Like I said, I’m not proud of my past. [ hand is raised ] Yes?

Man #3 In Audience: Uh.. would you see if that woman who asked the first question would, uh.. take, like.. say, $70?

Charlie Sheen: No, no.. you can’t bargain with a hooker..

Woman #1 In Audience: $70! Sold to the dapper young gentlemen over there!

Man #3 In Audience: Swee-ee-eet!

Charlie Sheen: Okay, I have time for one more question – preferably a question that doesn’t pertain to drugs, or hookers, or “Men At Work”.. [ hand is raised ] uh.. yes, ma’am.

Woman #2 In Audience: I enjoy your father’s work on the TV show “West Wing”. Do you think you’d like to play the part of the president someday?

Charlie Sheen: Thank you for the question, but I could never be the president.. I mean, think about it – I’ve abused cocaine, I’ve been arrested, I’m not a very smart guy.. I mean, it’s a big joke to think people would want someone like me, just because his dad was president.. [ audience applauds the comparison to George W. Bush ] Alright, we’ve got a great show tonight, Nelly Furtado is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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