Classic Vaudeville with Charlie and Fleisy
Charlie…..Charlie Sheen
Fleisy…..Rachel Dratch
Announcer: And now, the Saturday Night Live preservation Society presents Classic Vaudeville with Charlie and Fleisy.
Charlie: Hello, Fleisy, how are you?
Fleisy: I’m doing alright!
Charlie: Good. Now, Fleisy, you’re a whore, aren’t you?
Fleisy: Yeah! [ spotlight shines upon her crotch ]
Charlie: Well, I was thinking maybe I’d like to patronize some of the whores who work on your corner.
Fleisy: Well, I gotta warn you, nowadays whores have very peculiar names.
Charlie: Funny names?
Fleisy: Nicknames. Example: on the corner where I work, Who does oral, What uses her hand, I Don’t Know takes it in the kiester.
Charlie: That’s what I want to find out.
Fleisy: I told you! Who does oral, What uses her hand, I Don’t Know takes it in the kiester.
Charlie: Do you know the whore’s name?
Fleisy: Hell, yeah!
Charlie: Well, then, who does oral?
Fleisy: That’s right!
Charlie: The whore that does oral.
Fleisy: Who.
Charlie: I’m asking you.
Fleisy: And I’m telling you.
Charlie: Look, what’s the name of the whore that does oral?
Fleisy: No! What uses her hand.
Charlie: I’m not asking you who uses her hand.
Fleisy: Who does oral.
Charlie: I don’t know.
Fleisy: She takes it in the kiester!
Charlie: Look, after I get oral, who gets the money?
Fleisy: Every dollar of it.
Charlie: Who does?
Fleisy: That’s right. And why not? The bitch deserves it!
Charlie: Who deserves it?
Fleisy: Naturally.
Charlie: Okay. So Naturally does oral?
Fleisy: No, no, no. Who does oral.
Charlie: Naturally?
Fleisy: You got it!
Charlie: So.. Naturally does oral?
Fleisy: No. Who does oral.
Charlie: Look, what’s the name of the whore that does oral?
Fleisy: No, What uses her hand!
Charlie: I don’t know.
Fleisy: She takes it in the kiester.
Charlie: Again, I’m back to the kiester. Okay, when I get oral, who makes me climax?
Fleisy: She’d better!
Charlie: Who’d better?
Fleisy: If she wants to get paid!
Charlie: If who wants to get paid?
Fleisy: That’s right!
Charlie: [ thinking ] Look.. do you have a pimp?
Fleisy: Of course! A fine bunch of whores we’d be without a pimp!
Charlie: The pimp’s name?
Fleisy: Why.
Charlie: I just thought I’d ask you.
Fleisy: And I just thought I’d tell you.
Charlie: Then, tell me who’s the pimp.
Fleisy: No, Who does oral.
Charlie: I don’t know.
Together: She takes it in the kiester!
Charlie: Okay, look. Let’s say I want to have an orgy. Who’s doing oral, what’s using her hand, and I don’t know takes it in the kiester. Now, when it’s all over, why comes in to collect the money.
Fleisy: That’s the first thing you’ve said right!
Charlie: I don’t even know what I’m talking about! And, you know what? I don’t give a damn!
Fleisy: Oh, he’s my crack dealer!
[ they bow, the curtains close ]