Classic Vaudeville with Charlie and Fleisy


Classic Vaudeville with Charlie and Fleisy

Charlie…..Charlie Sheen
Fleisy…..Rachel Dratch


Announcer: And now, the Saturday Night Live preservation Society presents Classic Vaudeville with Charlie and Fleisy.

[ Charlie and Fleisy take the stage ]

Charlie: Hello, Fleisy, how are you?

Fleisy: I’m doing alright!

Charlie: Good. Now, Fleisy, you’re a whore, aren’t you?

Fleisy: Yeah! [ spotlight shines upon her crotch ]

Charlie: Well, I was thinking maybe I’d like to patronize some of the whores who work on your corner.

Fleisy: Well, I gotta warn you, nowadays whores have very peculiar names.

Charlie: Funny names?

Fleisy: Nicknames. Example: on the corner where I work, Who does oral, What uses her hand, I Don’t Know takes it in the kiester.

Charlie: That’s what I want to find out.

Fleisy: I told you! Who does oral, What uses her hand, I Don’t Know takes it in the kiester.

Charlie: Do you know the whore’s name?

Fleisy: Hell, yeah!

Charlie: Well, then, who does oral?

Fleisy: That’s right!

Charlie: The whore that does oral.

Fleisy: Who.

Charlie: I’m asking you.

Fleisy: And I’m telling you.

Charlie: Look, what’s the name of the whore that does oral?

Fleisy: No! What uses her hand.

Charlie: I’m not asking you who uses her hand.

Fleisy: Who does oral.

Charlie: I don’t know.

Fleisy: She takes it in the kiester!

Charlie: Look, after I get oral, who gets the money?

Fleisy: Every dollar of it.

Charlie: Who does?

Fleisy: That’s right. And why not? The bitch deserves it!

Charlie: Who deserves it?

Fleisy: Naturally.

Charlie: Okay. So Naturally does oral?

Fleisy: No, no, no. Who does oral.

Charlie: Naturally?

Fleisy: You got it!

Charlie: So.. Naturally does oral?

Fleisy: No. Who does oral.

Charlie: Look, what’s the name of the whore that does oral?

Fleisy: No, What uses her hand!

Charlie: I don’t know.

Fleisy: She takes it in the kiester.

Charlie: Again, I’m back to the kiester. Okay, when I get oral, who makes me climax?

Fleisy: She’d better!

Charlie: Who’d better?

Fleisy: If she wants to get paid!

Charlie: If who wants to get paid?

Fleisy: That’s right!

Charlie: [ thinking ] Look.. do you have a pimp?

Fleisy: Of course! A fine bunch of whores we’d be without a pimp!

Charlie: The pimp’s name?

Fleisy: Why.

Charlie: I just thought I’d ask you.

Fleisy: And I just thought I’d tell you.

Charlie: Then, tell me who’s the pimp.

Fleisy: No, Who does oral.

Charlie: I don’t know.

Together: She takes it in the kiester!

Charlie: Okay, look. Let’s say I want to have an orgy. Who’s doing oral, what’s using her hand, and I don’t know takes it in the kiester. Now, when it’s all over, why comes in to collect the money.

Fleisy: That’s the first thing you’ve said right!

Charlie: I don’t even know what I’m talking about! And, you know what? I don’t give a damn!

Fleisy: Oh, he’s my crack dealer!

[ they bow, the curtains close ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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