A Message From The Former President Of The United States


A Message From The Former President Of The United States

Former President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: And now, a message from the Former President of the United States.

[ open on Bill Clinton sitting in the Oval Office ]

Former President Bill Clinton: Good evening, my fellow Americans. Tonight, I am coming to you as “Citizen” Bill Clinton. As you know, earlier today, George W. Bush was sworn into office, and now he is your President. For a majority of us, that’s a hard pill to swallow! But I’m not here to talk about that. I have other thoughts that I’d like to share. Incidentally, I was able to get in the Oval Office tonight because I know the guy at the door. And everyone else is out partying. I will admit, I’ve had a few drinks myself! [ shakes off his bourbon ] Now that I’m an ordinary citizen, I can do that! I don’t have to think about what’s responsible and right. I can finally kick back and have a good time! [ laughs ] Who am I kidding? That’s what I did when I was in here! I think I’m gonna enjoy being Citizen Bill Clinton. The Press can put their dirty microscope on George W. now. See how he likes it. Stick around, I bet you’ll find something. I’ll start you off: on October 29th, 1973, George W. Bush did three lines of cocaine and joined in an orgy in a public swimming pool in Houston. How do I know? I was there! See, I can say all that stuff now. Maybe saying goodbye won’t be so hard after all. In my farewell speech the other night, I talked about bringing down the debt, and, you know, about keeping free trade a priority, and I may have bragged a little about making this country a better place. But what I really wanted to say was, “Suck on it!” “Suck.. on.. it.” “Suck on it.” Maybe it’s the booze talking, but I’m pretty sure I took more crap from more people than any President in history, and yet I remain the most popular since Roosevelt, so y’all just suck on it!

President George W. Bush: [ enters Office, angry ] Hey! What are you doing here? I thought they flew you out of town?

Former President Bill Clinton: [ stands ] Hello, George. Shouldn’t you be out celebrating?

President George W. Bush: Oh, I was. I was boogying down to the Marshall Tucker Band, when someone saw you on TV and said, “Hey, look! There’s the President!” And I said, “Hey, guys, how’s it going?” And they were like, “No, you Turd-Head. The real President, on TV.” And I said, “But I am the real President.” Then everybody laughed, which really steamed me, so here I am. [ to the camera ] Hello, America. I’m your President. And, keep in mind, that’s for a whole year. [ to Clinton ] And you’d better not touch any of these boxes!

Former President Bill Clinton: Is this your stuff?

President George W. Bush: [ looking around ] Hold on a second.. I don’t see.. You didn’t take it..? Oh, there it is! [ reaches in box ] My talking fish! [ pulls out Billy Bass ] I thought you took it.

Former President Bill Clinton: No, no, I.. what is it?

President George W. Bush: It’s my Billy Big-Mouth Talking Bass. It talks, see? [ turns it on ]

Former President Bill Clinton: [ laughing ] I’ll be damned! Where’d you get that, that’s the funniest damn thing I ever saw!

President George W. Bush: A guy sold it to me for $1,000.

Former President Bill Clinton: Well, if you ever see another one, why don’t you let me know.

President George W. Bush: I doubt I’ll see another one. But, if I do, I’ll send it along.

Former President Bill Clinton: Okay. You know, George, you’re not half bad. If you keep your mouth shut, and your eyes closed, you’re gonna be alright. Uh.. could you just give me a second?

President George W. Bush: Yeah, sure. [ walks away ]

Former President Bill Clinton: Well, America, I had a lot more I wanted to say tonight. But I guess I’ll end it all by saying, for the last time, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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