A Message From The Former President Of The United States
Former President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
[ open on Bill Clinton sitting in the Oval Office ]
Announcer: And now, a message from the Former President of the United States.
Former President Bill Clinton: Good evening, my fellow Americans. Tonight, I am coming to you as “Citizen” Bill Clinton. As you know, earlier today, George W. Bush was sworn into office, and now he is your President. For a majority of us, that’s a hard pill to swallow! But I’m not here to talk about that. I have other thoughts that I’d like to share. Incidentally, I was able to get in the Oval Office tonight because I know the guy at the door. And everyone else is out partying. I will admit, I’ve had a few drinks myself! [ shakes off his bourbon ] Now that I’m an ordinary citizen, I can do that! I don’t have to think about what’s responsible and right. I can finally kick back and have a good time! [ laughs ] Who am I kidding? That’s what I did when I was in here! I think I’m gonna enjoy being Citizen Bill Clinton. The Press can put their dirty microscope on George W. now. See how he likes it. Stick around, I bet you’ll find something. I’ll start you off: on October 29th, 1973, George W. Bush did three lines of cocaine and joined in an orgy in a public swimming pool in Houston. How do I know? I was there! See, I can say all that stuff now. Maybe saying goodbye won’t be so hard after all. In my farewell speech the other night, I talked about bringing down the debt, and, you know, about keeping free trade a priority, and I may have bragged a little about making this country a better place. But what I really wanted to say was, “Suck on it!” “Suck.. on.. it.” “Suck on it.” Maybe it’s the booze talking, but I’m pretty sure I took more crap from more people than any President in history, and yet I remain the most popular since Roosevelt, so y’all just suck on it!
President George W. Bush: [ enters Office, angry ] Hey! What are you doing here? I thought they flew you out of town?
Former President Bill Clinton: [ stands ] Hello, George. Shouldn’t you be out celebrating?
President George W. Bush: Oh, I was. I was boogying down to the Marshall Tucker Band, when someone saw you on TV and said, “Hey, look! There’s the President!” And I said, “Hey, guys, how’s it going?” And they were like, “No, you Turd-Head. The real President, on TV.” And I said, “But I am the real President.” Then everybody laughed, which really steamed me, so here I am. [ to the camera ] Hello, America. I’m your President. And, keep in mind, that’s for a whole year. [ to Clinton ] And you’d better not touch any of these boxes!
Former President Bill Clinton: Is this your stuff?
President George W. Bush: [ looking around ] Hold on a second.. I don’t see.. You didn’t take it..? Oh, there it is! [ reaches in box ] My talking fish! [ pulls out Billy Bass ] I thought you took it.
Former President Bill Clinton: No, no, I.. what is it?
President George W. Bush: It’s my Billy Big-Mouth Talking Bass. It talks, see? [ turns it on ]
Former President Bill Clinton: [ laughing ] I’ll be damned! Where’d you get that, that’s the funniest damn thing I ever saw!
President George W. Bush: A guy sold it to me for $1,000.
Former President Bill Clinton: Well, if you ever see another one, why don’t you let me know.
President George W. Bush: I doubt I’ll see another one. But, if I do, I’ll send it along.
Former President Bill Clinton: Okay. You know, George, you’re not half bad. If you keep your mouth shut, and your eyes closed, you’re gonna be alright. Uh.. could you just give me a second?
President George W. Bush: Yeah, sure. [ walks away ]
Former President Bill Clinton: Well, America, I had a lot more I wanted to say tonight. But I guess I’ll end it all by saying, for the last time, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”