Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 26: Episode 11
Jeannie Darcy….Molly Shannon
Grieving daughter….Ana Gasteyer
Orderlies….Jerry Minor, Chris Parnell
(Opens with a helicopter view of The Medical Center,cut to an elderly ward. Old folks in wheelchairs andin bed)
Nurse: OK, you guys. Listen up! You’re in for a treattoday because St. Joseph’s Hospital has organized alittle surprise for the elderly ward. We’re gonna havea young woman come out here and entertain usall.(reads from a piece of paper) Uh, you cancurrently catch her at Boner’s. Now please welcome thestand-up comedy stylings of miss JeannieDarcy.(Applauds)
(Two guys put up a fake brick wall in the middle ofthe room then leave. Jeannie with a mannish blue suitjogs into the room, stands with her back to the fakebrick wall, mic on hand)
Jeannie Darcy:(over rehearsed tone of voice) Hi folks!I’m Jeannie Darcy. Hey, this will be a lot of fun. Inever thought of going to a retirement home to get adate. I thought the only thing guys take out here aretheir teeth. Don’t get me started.(A woman cries forher sick mother, nurse observes)I’m getting prettydesperate. I’m suffering from PMMS. “Please Marry MeSomebody” Don’t get me started! Don’t even get mestarted!( Shot of two old folks nodding off in theirwheelchairs)But, uh, I don’t know, I’m just glad Ihave my cats. I can really relate to them. I’m alwaysburying all my crap too. Or so my therapist says.Don’t get me started. (shot of bubbling I.V.)Hey, canI ask you guys a question? Who here is on a date?(Shot of old lady, puzzled look on her face)It’s sohard to date in the 90’s, isn’t it ladies? When Ifirst read about safe sex I thought, “Oh great! Moreequipment” Are you with me? (Shot of old lady out likea bulb, facing the ceiling)Have you ever notice whatbabies men can be when they get a cold? If they had tohave children, painkillers would be in gumballmachines. Don’t get me started.(Shot of flat line, twoorderlies come into the room) You know, I’m kind ofafraid of labor pains. I don’t know why. I should beused to it because I’ve spent the last 3 years pushingto get my ex-husband out. (Orderlies cover up the bodyof old lady)”Congratulations Ms. Darcy. It’s a jerk!”234 pounds and 6 ounces.(Orderlies wheel out the deadold lady, one orderly throws a dirty look at Jeannie,she just continues her routine)Somebody cut thecord…..to his TV set. Don’t get me started! And whatabout stretch marks? My ex-husband developed a badcase of stretch marks….on his wallet! Don’t get mestarted! Don’t even get me started!
Nurse: Ms. Darcy, um, maybe now its not the best time.Do you want to take a break?
Jeannie Darcy:(ignores the nurse)And ladies, how goodare vibrators? The only thing that could make thembetter is if they took out the trash. Help me outhere, sister girlfriend!(Grieving daughter sobs)Myvibrator’s got 2 speeds. On and…on. Don’t get mestarted! Don’t even get me started!
Nurse: I really think you should stop, miss Darcy.
Jeannie Darcy: (looks at her, continues routine)Youknow one thing that bugs me? (Molly cracks up, trieshard to recover)You know one thing that bugs me? Menwho pee on the seat. Arrrrg! Don’t get me started!Don’t even get me started!
(Sobbing uncontrollably, gets up to Jeannie)
Grieving daughter: Please, stop this! I just lost my mother!
Jeannie Darcy: Hey! I remember my first beer too!Don’t get me started!(Grieving daughter leaves,Jeannie continues her routine)Well, you guys are greatand thanks for cheering me up. I’ve been a littledepressed since my boob job got laid off. Don’t get mestarted! Don’t even get me started!(Shot of old guysleeping, gasps, exhales)I’m Jeannie Darcy and don’tget me started.
Nurse: Well, um, miss Darcy I’m so sorry about what happened.
Jeannie Darcy: Oh, why? I thought it went pretty good.
Nurse: But that woman, she died right in front of you.
Jeannie Darcy: Oh, I’ve had much worse shows thanthat. I thought the vibrator stuff went pretty goodthough. But I guess I won’t know for sure till I gethome and plow through this micro cassette.(Takes out amini recorder from her pocket)I have over 470 hours ofme telling jokes on this micro cassettes so I guess Isort of have my work cut out for me. So, its been a pleasure.
(Shake hands with nurse)
(Jeannie leaves, stops, returns)
Jeannie Darcy: By the way, if a gorgeous, sexy guywith a great body stops in, he’s probably gay. Don’tget me started! Don’t even get me started!
(Jeannie finally leaves, little jumps backwards,exits. Nurse attends to old guy)
(Cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel