SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Lopez: 02/10/01: J. Lo vs. Mango


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 11

00k: Jennifer Lopez

J. Lo vs. Mango

…..Jennifer Lopez
Director…..Will Ferrell
Dancer…..Chris Parnell
Mango…..Chris Kattan
Director’s Assistant…..Darrell Hammond
Mango Backup Singer #1…..Jerry Minor
Mango Backup Singer #2…..Horatio Sanz
Aretha Franklin…..Tracy Morgan
Celine Dion…..Ana Gasteyer
Diana Ross…..Maya Rudolph
Shania Twain…..Molly Shannon

[Jennifer Lopez is on a bed, singing “My Love Don’t Cost a Thing” while a dancer is dancing on the bed beside her.]

Jennifer Lopez: Think I wanna drive your Benz, I don’t
If I wanna floss I got my own
Even if you were broke
My love don’t cost a thing

[stops singing]

Cut, cut!

Director: Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer, what’s going on here? What’s the problem?

Jennifer Lopez: It’s this dancer! He’s awful.

Dancer: Awful . . . or great?

Director: Awful! Now get out of here! I know every casting director in town! You’ll never work in this business again! Sorry about that, Jenny. He’s my son. Listen, I think I’ve got just the guy for you, he’s got his act at a wonderful little strip club called “Beef Cakes,” a male strip club. I went there by mistake, a long story, okay? But anyway, I just fell in love with him. Come on out here, Mango!

[Mango enters, wearing the usual pink shirt and gold shorts, with a pink jacket and pink hat.]

Mango: Hi everybody! Sorry I’m late, I was just getting acupuncture on my hoo-hah!

Director: Mango, Mango, listen, listen. We don’t have a lot of time, okay?

Mango: Okay.

Director: Can you do this for me?

Mango: Yes.

Director: Can you?

Mango: Mm-hmm.

Director: Okay? Be good?

Mango: Mm-hmm.

Director: Okay. All right. All right, everybody! Let’s have places! Let’s have places and let’s settle. And let’s action!

[The song plays again, while Mango shakes it, jumps up onto the bed, and gyrates on J-Lo’s head and shoulder.]

Director’s Assistant: This guy is good! He’s making love to the camera!

[Mango music pots up as Mango stares at the camera waving his hands around in the normal fashion.]

Jennifer Lopez: Cut, cut, cut! Cut the tape! What the hell is going on here?

Everybody: Mango . . . Mango . . .

Director: Mango, you’re incredible! We’ve got to get you in a recording studio! You’re going to be bigger than Jennifer Lopez!

Jennifer Lopez: Hey!

Mango: Sorry. I guess a star is born!

Jennifer Lopez: What about my video?

[SUPER: The next day. We’re outside the Street Sounds Recording Studio. Mango is in a recording booth with two backup singers dressed exactly like him.]

Mango: [rapping]Mango’s he and he’s here to say:
Get out of here, I’m going downtown!
Go to a store, so let’s rock it now!
Hey, get out of here!

Mango Backup Singers: [singing]Every breath you take . . .
Every move you make . . .

Mango: Hey, rock it now!

Mango Backup Singers: Every vibe you break,
Every clam you steak,
I’ll be watching you!

Mango: Don’t make a mess!

Mango Backup Singer #1: That was amazing . . .

Mango: Please don’t, don’t talk to the talent. Okay, please? Don’t do that. [He drinks chamomile.] Oh God! This tastes like crapomile, this chamomile!

Director: Mango, Mango, you just made some history. This is a hit record, I can feel it, okay? We’re going to get you on everything: TRL, Storytellers, Diva Live.

Mango: Diva Live?

Director: Yes!

[Jennifer Lopez enters.]

Director: Oh, hey, Jennifer, hey. Listen, I’m sorry. We’re going to have to cancel your recording session. Mango went a little long.

Jennifer Lopez: What?

Mango: Sorry sweet cheeks, but divas can’t be rushed.

Jennifer Lopez: You are no diva.

Mango: Oh, yeah? Well, we’ll see who the real diva is when all the divas get together and perform for other divas on a program called “Divas Live!”

Jennifer Lopez:
Yeah? I’m gonna kick your diva ass!

Mango: Oh, bring it on, J-Ho!

Jennifer Lopez: WHAT? [Tries to fight Mango, but the director prevents them.] [Music plays, as we see shots of the city and limousines. SUPER: Night of Divas 2001. Mango is in a limo, dressed totally in pink with a cowboy hat, pants, and a big furry feather boa wrapped around him, with two women drinking wine. Madonna is singing the backup-vocals.]

Madonna’s voice: Mango
Makes the people
Come together
Makes the bourgeois scene
And the rebel
Hey Mr. DJ
Put a record on
I wanna dance with my baby
Makes the people
Come together
Makes the bourgeois scene
And the rebel. . .

[Mango throws up as the scene ends.] [Jennifer Lopez is in a dressing room, as Mango enters it.]

Mango: Yes, I know. [sees J-Lo] Oh, what a surprise!

Jennifer Lopez: Hello, Mango.

Mango: [mimicking her] Hello, J-Lo. Well, I guess they put us in the same dressing room.

Jennifer Lopez: Really? Is that what you’re wearing tonight? [They take off their fur coats, showing Jennifer Lopez with a denim-type open shirt and pants, mostly backless. Mango is wearing the same thing, but with shorts instead of pants.]

Mango: Yes. How embarrassing for you.

Jennifer Lopez: I see you’re still shopping in the women’s section.

Mango: Oh, what the frick? This is a man’s cut! Why does everybody think I’m the homo-gay? Oh, why, why, why, why? Maybe I know why. Why?

Jennifer Lopez: Look, you little bitch, you better watch it! You get in J-Lo’s way and you’re gonna pay!

[Dreamy music starts to play.]

Mango: Can you pay a rainbow to be less beautiful?

Jennifer Lopez: Oh, can you piss off a Puerto Rican and live to tell about it?

Mango: Can you talk to the hand for a second here?

Jennifer Lopez: Can you eat food through a tube after I cutchu?

Mango: Can you cut food with a tube after I eat you?

Together: No! Such is Mango/J-Lo!

Jennifer Lopez: Slut!

Mango: Whore!

Jennifer Lopez: Skank!

Mango: Tramp!

Jennifer Lopez: Fruit!

Mango: Oh! Why you . . .

[Mango and J-Lo start slapping and fighting each other, causing Mango to rip out some of Jennifer’s hair.]

Mango: Oh, I broke a nail! Psyche!

[Jennifer twists his ear, pinches his chest, and shoves him into a table, causing a mirror behind it to break and flowers and fruit to fly all over the floor.]

Jennifer Lopez: Sorry!

Mango: I’m okay. Don’t worry about it. Yeah, I’m okay.

[Mango puts her into a headlock and jumps back. The both of them fall onto a table and crush it.]

Mango: Oh, hey! Is that Pashmina?

Jennifer Lopez: No, it’s Cashmira.

Mango: Oh, it’s really nice.

Jennifer Lopez: Thank you.

Mango: This is a – this is –

[Jennifer hits Mango in the stomach and both of them grab each other with one hand and try to slap each other on the ass with the other.] [Aretha Franklin is seen singing on Divas Live 2001.]

Aretha Franklin: “We’re going riding on a freeway of love
In a pink cadillac!

Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Well, our next diva is . . .

[Jennifer and Mango roll in on the floor, fighting, as Diana Ross, Celine Dion, and Shania Twain run in, shouting and trying to pull them apart.]

Aretha Franklin: Stop fighting! Stop fighting! Stop fighting! Us divas got to stick together!

[“You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman” by Aretha Franklin starts playing.]

Mango: Aretha’s right. I’m sorry, J-Lo.

Celine Dion and Diana Ross: Ah-oo!

Jennifer Lopez: No, Mango. I’m the one who’s sorry. You deserve all your success.

Aretha Franklin and Shania Twain: Ah-oo!

Mango: You know what? I think we’re going to become good friends. You know why?

Celine Dion, Diana Ross, Aretha Franklin, and Shania Twain: Ah-oo!

Jennifer Lopez: Why?

Mango: I’ll tell you why. Just a second.
“Cause you make me feel . . .

Jennifer Lopez: “You make me feel . . .

Mango: “Cause you make me feel like a natural Mango . . .

Jennifer Lopez: “J-Lo . . .

Mango: “Mango . . .

Jennifer Lopez:
“J-Lo . . .

Mango: “Mango . . .

Jennifer Lopez: “J-Lo . . .

Mango: MANGO!

Jennifer Lopez: J-LOOOO!

[Mango and J-Lo start fighting again and the four divas try to stop them as the scene fades out.]

Submitted by: LeadCrow90

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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