Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 26: Episode 12
A Message From the President of the United States
President George W. Bush…….Will Ferrell
President George W. Bush: Good evening. When I campaigned to be your president, I promised that, if elected, I would change the tone in Washington; that I would end the usual partisan bickering and reach out to my opponents, often with a helping hand. And lately, it seems to me, that no one has needed a helping hand more than Former President Bill Clinton.
Accordingly, on Friday, February 16th at 12:30 p.m. Eastern time, I ordered a surprise military strike against Iraq in order to move his latest scandals off the front pages. Now, let me make something very clear: there was utterly no legal or military justification for this strike. Many innocent Iraqi civilians were killed or injured, and the men and women of our Armed Forces were needlessly placed in harm’s way. But, if you look at your morning paper, you’ll see that the Mark Rich pardon story is on page 5, which means ex-President Clinton can now get on with his life and enjoy this wonderful three-day weekend.
Now, many in my own party have questioned the wisdom in my actions. Why, they want to know, did I fail to consult with the Joint Chiefs of Staff and instead plan the raid only with James Carville and Geraldo Rivera? And also, they say, Clinton’s scandals are good for our party. To them, I can reply only that were Bill Clinton in my place, he would have done the same. Were he still President, he would have bombed Iraq to get his pardon of Mark Rich out of the news. I did it for him, because he would have done it for him. It’s called bipartisanship.
Finally, to Saddam Hussein, I have just one more thing to say: “Live, from..” ..no, wait. Two more things to say. First, don’t mess with Texas! Second, “Live,..” ..no, wait. Oh, yeah: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Submitted by: Elizabeth Cross