Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 26: Episode 12
Action News 4 Morning Report
Natalie Grossbeak…..Ana Gasteyer
Mike DeFranco…..Chris Kattan
Pete Simmons…..Sean Hayes
Paramedic #1…..Chris Parnell
Paramedic #2…..Jerry Minor
Clown #1…..Will Ferrell
Clown #2…..Horatio Sanz
Natalie Grossbeak: Good morning, it’s 8:28 on this Monday morning. Coming up in the next half-hour, we’ve got more on the Governor’s proposed tax on Asian folks.
Mike DeFranco: And all the latest on the Ivan Lendl/Bob Denver sex scandal.
Natalie Grossbeak: Now, let’s take a look at the traffic situation for you morning commuters.
Mike DeFranco: We have word there’s an accident on the 495. On the scene is our own Pete Simmons. Pete, how’s that accident looking?[ cut to Pete Simmons, on the scene ]
Pete Simmons: Abaolute chaos. The four northbound lanes of 495 are blocked – they expect the rubbernecking to go the other way. DMTs are on their way to the scene, where apparently a tractor-trailer collided with a clown car. Expect delays of at least an hour. Back to you.
Natalie Grossbeak: Thanks, Pete, we’ll be checking back in with.. what kind of car?
Pete Simmons: It’s a clown car, Natalie, and there are heavy casualties.[ camera pans to show the orange overturned clown car, with numerous clowns lying on the ground ]
Natalie Grossbeak: Okay, Pete, let’s stay with this story.. any idea how many are injured at the scene?
Pete Simmons: Well, a good seven or eight clowns were thrown clear of this wrecker.. but it is a clown car! So there’s no telling just how many of those goofy bastards are trapped inside!
Clown #1: [ screaming ] He-elp! I can’t feel my leg!
Mike DeFranco: Dear God! What was a clown car doing on the freeway?
Pete Simmons: Being hilarious! But seriously, Mike – they were doing about 85 miles per hour in the right lane when.. wait a minute! The ambulances and rescue teams have arrived! It looks like they’ve pulled 19 clowns from the wreckage.. no! 20! 21 clowns. Let’s hope they can move quickly – 22.. 23 clowns.. How do they all fit in that little car! We may never know!
Natalie Grossbeak: Pete, any word yet whether any of those in the car were sad clowns?
Pete Simmons: I’m gonna have to be honest with you, Natalie, right now they’re all pretty much sad clowns.
Natalie Grossbeak: Point taken. Point taken.
Pete Simmons: Uh-oh, Natalie.. it seems there are complications with the rescue efforts.. yes.. yes.. the rescue workers are, in fact, laughing hysterically.[ show clowns making rescue workers laugh ]
Mike DeFranco: Pete, how can anyone be laughing in this sort of a situation?
Pete Simmons: Well, Mike, even a burnt clown is pretty damn funny. And it certainly doesn’t help that the truck they slammed into was carrying a shipment of Big Mouth Billy Basses. [ camera shows the singing fishes in the street ]
Mike DeFranco: [ laughs ] No, it doesn’t help!
Natalie Grossbeak: If you’re just joining us, a tiny car packed with clowns has viciously collided with a truckful of singing mechanical fish.
Mike DeFranco: An all-too-familiar story. More on that as it develops. Next up: Ivan Lendl and Bob Denver are..
Natalie Grossbeak: I’m sorry, Mike.. I’m getting word there are breaking developments in the clown accident. Pete, what’s going on out there?
Mike DeFranco: I trust it’s good news!
Pete Simmons: You’d think, Mike, it would be, but it’s not. Just a moment ago, another vehicle jumped the median and plowed into the wreck. I think the other vehicle was.. yes.. it’s a busload of prison inmates.[ inamtes rush into the scene ]
Natalie Grossbeak: Pete, are the inmates helping the situation?
Pete Simmons: Uh, no, they’re not, Natalie. In fact, I don’t think you want to know what they’re doing to those clowns.
Mike DeFranco: Helping them?
Pete Simmons: Uh, I already said no, Mike.. uh.. no, not at all. In fact, it’s clear these inmates haven’t seen women in a long time. And, while these burnt clowns are male, there’s a lot of bright clothing and make-up involved, so you can pretty much just fill in the blanks there! Back to you, guys.
Natalie Grossbeak: Thanks, Pete. It seems like the situation is stabilizing.
Mike DeFranco: Jury selection continues in the Lendl/Denver trial. As everyone knows, Ivan Lendl amd Bob Denver were secretly videotaped..
Natalie Grossbeak: Sorry, Mike. We’re going back to Pete Simmons with more developments on the accident on 495. Pete?
Pete Simmons: Very quickly. A van blew a tire, spilled a load of guns and PCP all over the accident site. [ camera shows the clowns and inmates running around with guns ] To recap: uh.. prisoners, clowns, guns, narcotics, burning gasoline, singing fish. Gonna be at least a 45-minute wait for you commuters. Back to you in the newsroom.
Mike DeFranco: Thank you, Pete.
Natalie Grossbeak: And we have to take a commercial break. When we come back, we’ll take you live to the 10th Annual Fun Run for Breast Cancer, where the winners are approaching the finish line, right there on.. uh.. 495..[ show the women racers colliding with gun-toting criminals and clowns ] [ fade out ]