Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 26: Episode 12
Delicious Dish
Margaret Jo McCullin…..Ana Gasteyer
Teri Rialto…..Molly Shannon
Alfie Thuman…..Sean Hayes
Margaret Jo McCullin: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCullin.
Teri Rialto: And I’m Teri Rialto.
Together: And you’re listening to.. The Delicious Dish, on National Public Radio.
Margaret Jo McCullin: Well, Terry, once again, our old friend the groundhog didn’t see his shadow, and you know what that means.
Teri Rialto: Yes. Seven years of bad luck.
Margaret Jo McCullin: No. It means Spring is just around the corner.
Teri Rialto: Oh.. so it does.
Margaret Jo McCullin: Great. It’ll be fun!
Teri Rialto: Good times!
Margaret Jo McCullin: Good times! Yes. Well, Teri, “Spring” about some gustatorial goodies! Like lettuce.
Teri Rialto: Yeah, baby lettuce.
Margaret Jo McCullin: And hearts of lettuce! Gosh, my notes for the show are kind of lame!
Teri Rialto: Yeah, we really shouldn’t have rocked out so hard last night at that Cashew Festival..
Margaret Jo McCullin: It was nuts!
Teri Rialto: [ giggles ]
Margaret Jo McCullin: Alright, let’s bring out our guest. He’s an expert on fungi, and author of “Hey, Pardner, This Town Doesn’t Have Mushroom Enough For Both Of Us”. Yes, it does. Which I think is about mushrooms. Please welcome Alfie Thuman.
Alfie Thuman: [ enters studio, unsure how to use the headphones ] Oh.. there you are. Well, I’m glad there was mushroom enough for me on the show!
Teri Rialto: [ giggles ] You’re very funny!
Margaret Jo McCullin: We heard a mushrumor you were available!
Teri Rialto: That’s funny! You’re really funny!
Alfie Thuman: Well, I always love to mushruminate about fungi!
Teri Rialto: Okay, that’s enough.
Margaret Jo McCullin: So, Alfie, tell us about the world of mushrooms.
Alfie Thuman: Well, alright. Did you know that there are over 3,000 varieites of mushrooms in North America?
Margaret Jo McCullin: So you might say, wherever we are, there’s a fungus among us!
Teri Rialto: Wow.. that’s really funny.
Alfie Thuman: Anyway.. one can use mushrooms in a variety of ways: toss them in salads, grill them, I’ve even heard some of the more avante-garde chefs put them on pizzas..
Margaret Jo McCullin: Ooh..
Teri Rialto: Get out of here..
Margaret Jo McCullin: Freaky-deaky!
Alfie Thuman: Tell me about it. You know, when you’re hunting for mushrooms, it helps to know what you’re hunting for. [ slides plate of mushrooms onto control panel ] These here, are all mushrooms you can find in your own backyard. These platters include some wonderful edible wild mushrooms.. [ Margaret Jo and Teri start eating ] ..and some that are extremely dangerous and toxic to the central nervous system. [ the women abruptly stop eating ]
Margaret Jo McCullin: Well.. let’s say we just happen to eat a mushroom.. hypothetically, how would we know if it were toxic?
Alfie Thuman: Mm-hmm. Well, the first indication would be a severe distorting..
[ his voice becomes distorted to Margaret Jo and Teri, as psychadelic lights and music flash around them ]
Margaret Jo McCullin: Neat..
Teri Rialto: Fun..
Margaret Jo McCullin: Good times..
Teri Rialto: Good times..
Margaret Jo McCullin: Well.. for our listeners who can’t see this.. the studio has just filled with shiny, talking grasshoppers..
Teri Rialto: I can touch the sun with my eyes..
Margaret Jo McCullin: That’s true, Teri.. Hey, look.. it looks like our guest has turned into a lizard in a three-button suit.. Hi, Lizard.. how you doing..?
Alfie Thuman: This is Lizard Cosell!
Teri Rialto: Oh my gosh.. he’s doing a Howard Cosell impression..
Margaret Jo McCullin: That seems reasonable..
Teri Rialto: Let’s take a call from one of our listeners..
Telephone: [ dancing behind them ] Ring-ring! Ring-ring!
Margaret Jo McCullin: Thanks for calling..
Telephone: No problem. [ exits ]
Margaret Jo McCullin: In a minute, we’re going to get to some really great potato recipes.. but right now, Teri, I’m gonna fly down your throat and into the universe that lives inside all of us..
Teri Rialto: Neat.. me, too..
Margaret Jo McCullin: That’ll be neat..
Teri Rialto: Fun..
Margaret Jo McCullin: This is good times..
Teri Rialto: Good times..
[ zoom in on Teri’s face, then spin out to her and Margaret Jo’s heads soaring through the universe ]
Margaret Jo McCullin: Rice.
Teri Rialto: Crackers.
Margaret Jo McCullin: Peas.
Together: Infinity..
Teri Rialto: Crackers.
Alfie Thuman: [ whizzing past ] You already said that.
Teri Rialto: Oh.
Together: Neat!
[ fade to SUPER: “Nine Hours Later” ]
[ studio is back to normal, Alfie still there ]
Alfie Thuman: Teri? Margaret Jo? Are you guys alright?
Margaret Jo McCullin: [ waking up ] Wow.. Sorry about that, Alfie. We just went surfing in the psychadelic atmosphere..
Teri Rialto: Man, those were some mushrooms..
Alfie Thuman: Yes. Those are called portabella mushrooms.
Margaret Jo McCullin: Anyway, that’s about all the time we have on The Delicious Dish. Join us next week, when our topic will be..
Together: Poppy Seeds!
Alfie Thuman: If you like portabellas, you should try Shii-Taki sometime.
Margaret Jo McCullin: Well.. love to.
Teri Rialto: Good times..
