SNL Transcripts: Sean Hayes: 02/17/01: Hello Dolly


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 12

00l: Sean Hayes / Shaggy

Hello Dolly

Deana Nolan-Gray…..Ana Gasteyer
Taylor St. Laroy…..Sean Hayes

[ Sound of Irish music playing. ANA GASTEYER and SEAN are standing in front of a wall lined with rows of different dolls. ANA is wearing a blond wig and a flowery dress and SEAN has on a curly brown haired wig and mustache, and is wearing a blue and green sweater with a pair of khakis and a belt. The logo from The Home Shopping Network appears in the bottom left corner. ]

Deana Nolan-Gray: [ all of what she says sounds overly happy and has an Irish accent ] Hello and welcome to the ‘Hello Dolly’ February extravagenza! [ SEAN waves ] I’m Deana Nolan-Gray and I am pleased as punch to share this hour with legendary doll collecter, Taylor St. Laroy. Taylor, look at you, what a treasure.

Taylor St. Laroy: [ also happy with an Irish accent ] Look at me, look at me.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Look at you. Oh, bless your heart.

Taylor St. Laroy: Well, happy Valentine’s day, Deanna. Did Cupid bring you anything special?

Deana Nolan-Gray: Well he brought you, didn’t he?

Taylor St. Laroy: He certainly did.

[ they laugh ]

Deana Nolan-Gray: You know, I’ll admit, I was kinda holding out for a surprise phone call from my ex-husband, at the very least, some word about my kids. But you take what you can get, and I’ve got Taylor St. Laroy, so count me in, let’s get down to beeswax.

Taylor St. Laroy: Alright, well Dini, Cupid sure must’ve shot me with an arrow, because, boy, am I in love with our collection today.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Ohhhh!

Taylor St. Laroy: They’re called ‘Fancy Pantsies’ and they’re just gonna charm the pants right off of ya.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Ooo, it sounds x-rated, huh?

Taylor St. Laroy: It’s x-tra cute.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Awwww.

[ SEAN brings doll on from offscreen and puts it in the middle of the table. ]

Deana Nolan-Gray: Uh-oh, Taylor, I spy a little tyke and he’s in a whole messa trouble!

Taylor St. Laroy: Somebody’s full of pee and vinegar. [ indicates to doll ]

Deana Nolan-Gray: Awww.

Taylor St. Laroy: This little monkey got into Mama’s purse and Mama’s not too happy about it. No.

Deana Nolan-Gray: No.

[ Now there is a close up of the doll, a little boy with blond hair and red ‘makeup’ all over his face. An open purse sits between his legs. The caption at the bottom of the screen reads: $129.95, Jist Playin’, Item 6657 ]

Taylor St. Laroy: His name is ‘Jist Playin’ and he is item number 6657. He is at the unbelievable members-only price of $129.95.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Oh, you just can’t be furious with this one, ’cause you know he’s a mama’s boy.

Taylor St. Laroy: Yeah, he really is. Look, he’s just playin’.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Oh, you’re just playin’.

Taylor St. Laroy: Just playin’.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Just playin’. Oh, what a card.

Taylor St. Laroy: That’s all, just playin’. My favourite part of this doll is his horsehair lashes and those molded latex cheeks that you just want to pinch and say, “Mama paid a lot for that Estay Lauder, you little stinker.”

Deana Nolan-Gray: Ohhhh. Do you know, he is so lifelike, so lifelike. Hop to on this one, folks.

Taylor St. Laroy: Yeah.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Hop to.

Taylor St. Laroy: Let me tell you something, Deanna, what’s so great about this doll is that you have a controlled mess here.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah, yeah.

Taylor St. Laroy: Yes, but unlike real kids, he’s not gonna make it in his pants and then sit on your piano bench.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Oh, gosh.

Taylor St. Laroy: No.

Deana Nolan-Gray: No. I know all about that, you know, if my twins had been even a little bit easier, I probably wouldn’t have run into all that business with the Perkadan. You know?

Taylor St. Laroy: Probably.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yep.

Taylor St. Laroy: Probably, count your blessings.

Deana Nolan-Gray: But Taylor, I’m a little hungry for some lunch. What d’ya say we order some Chinese?

Taylor St. Laroy: Oh!

[ During this time, Jist Playin’ has been put away and now ANA brings a doll in from offscreen. It’s a Chinese girl in a red outfit sitting in a Chinese food takeout box. ]

Taylor St. Laroy: Would ya look at her?

Deana Nolan-Gray: Now this exotic little lady is ‘Chop Suzy’ and she is from the Asian-Ilasian series, designed by Wagner Bernadi, and she is item number 2441, wow.

[ The close up of the doll shows the same type of caption at the bottom of the screen, reading $110.95, Chop Suzy, Item 2441 ]

Taylor St. Laroy: Wow.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Wow.

Taylor St. Laroy: Wow.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Wow. Taylor St. Laroy: Same forwards as backwards.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Wow.

Taylor St. Laroy: Wow.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Wow.

Taylor St. Laroy: You know, Dini, I have been in the Orient myself and it is just mindboggling how the house of Bernadi consistently captures what I’ve always called the Asian attitude.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah.

Taylor St. Laroy: Or ‘Asiantude’.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah.

Taylor St. Laroy: Yes. Of course, of course, Wagner Bernadi, world-renouned for his superlative thumb design. [ close up of Chop Suzy ‘s thumb ]

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yes, you just wanna suck that little thumb, I wanna suck that little thumb.

Taylor St. Laroy: Yes.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Ohhh!

Taylor St. Laroy: Oh, me love her long time. Deana Nolan-Gray: Yes, yes. Now-now, ‘Chop Suzy”s hair is triple stappled to her scalp, so she’s not gonna shed.

Taylor St. Laroy: Oh!

Deana Nolan-Gray: That’s good.

Taylor St. Laroy: That’s a bonus.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yes.

Taylor St. Laroy: Yes, and, her neck joint is treated with polyurithane so her joints aren’t gonna get all moldy.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Big problem with neck joints.

Taylor St. Laroy: Yes, big problem.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Very moldy.

Taylor St. Laroy: You know, uh, my neighbour…

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah.

Taylor St. Laroy: Has a real Asian child.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Oh, is that right?

Taylor St. Laroy: Mm-hm, and, uh, she is always talkin’ about Jack Russel terriers, I just wanna turn the hose on her.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah.

Taylor St. Laroy: You know?

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah.

Taylor St. Laroy: Yeah. Holy geeze, Dini! What happened to that little huggable munchpie?

Deana Nolan-Gray: Well Taylor, I hate to say it, but somebody broke everything!

Taylor St. Laroy: Oh no!

[ During this time, Chop Suzy has been put away and ANA has pulled another doll out, this one a brown-haired pigtailed girl in a full body cast, holding a juice box. The caption reads $45.99, Oopz, Item 78453 ]

Taylor St. Laroy: Dini, this poor little lamby is from the house of Ami Del Ranado and her name is ‘Oopz’.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Now, ‘Oopz’ is second in the ‘Accidental Darlings’ series. You know, Taylor, Ami strives for excellence in the area of dolls in traction, and I think she’s got a winner here.

Taylor St. Laroy: I think so. And isn’t it so true that children are the sweetest when they’re immobilized?

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah.

Taylor St. Laroy: Yeah.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah. ‘Oopz’ is available today for only $45.99. Now ‘Oopz’ comes with her own juice box and straw, cause this little apple dumpling’s gonna be on a liquid diet for quite some time.

Taylor St. Laroy: Yeah.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah.

Taylor St. Laroy: And with that straw, you know they’ll be no messy spills.

Deana Nolan-Gray: No.

Taylor St. Laroy: No.

Deana Nolan-Gray: No.

Taylor St. Laroy: Dolls always respect the personal property of others.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yes they do, they do. Y’know, dolls are always there when you need them. On Valentine’s Day I was this close to kicking a blow dryer into the bathtub and I looked up, and I saw all 24 of my dolls on their shelf and they were saying, ‘Don’t do it, Mommy, have a Cullua, and go to bed’. What a comfort, what a comfort.

Taylor St. Laroy: They’re great, good thing you listened.

Deana Nolan-Gray: I did, I did.

Taylor St. Laroy: Don’t get me wrong, I love children, they’re darling, just as long as they follow the rules of my house.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah.

Taylor St. Laroy: The first being keep the g-d playdough away from my Oriental rug, it’s the only object in my home that I actually flew to go pick up.

Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah. Well stayed tuned this hour for ‘Music Box Showcase’.

Taylor St. Laroy: Oh, quick hello to my neices and nephew, Mackenzie, Caitlin, Laura, Emma, and Parker, hello!

Deana Nolan-Gray: And hi Wayne and Justin, Mama’s gettin’ a pool, so I hope she’ll see you this summer. And we’ll see you tomorrow on ‘Hello, Dolly’.

Taylor St. Laroy: Goodbye!

Deana Nolan-Gray: Goodbye now!

[ Irish theme music picks up and the “Hello Dolly” title appears on screen before the scene fades ]

[ END ]

Submitted by: The Unofficial Jack & Karen Site

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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