SNL Transcripts: Sean Hayes: 02/17/01: Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 12

00l: Sean Hayes / Shaggy

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

Brian Fellow…..Tracy Morgan
Kirsten Francis…..Ana Gasteyer
Pat Enstance…..Sean Hayes

[ A bunch of cartoonish cardboard-type animals parade across a blue and beige map of the world, followed by the title Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet as singers sing: ]

Singers [ voice-over ]:
He loves animals
And they love him back.
Inter-species friends
We ain’t kidding, mac!
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!

[ Scene changes to a cartoon background of two palm trees, grass, a blue sky, and the sun. TRACY MORGAN, wearing a safari outfit, hat, and glasses, walks through this. A cartoon yellow kangaroo jumps past him and off screen. A disclaimer appears across the screen, which a voice-over reads: ]

Voice-Over: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. [ A purple animal appears from behind the palm tree on TRACY’s left, then slips back behind it. The disclaimer changes and the voice-over continues to read, as a blue antelope and a green monkey appear on TRACY’s right: ]

Voice-Over: He is simple an enthusiastic young man with a sixth-grade education and an abiding love for all God’s creatures. Share his loves, tonight on…

[ Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet sign reappears on screen, and a giraff appears in the background ]

Singers: Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!

[ CUT TO: A safari styled set, where TRACY is sitting in a chair. ]

Brian Fellow: Good evening, and welcome to ‘Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet’. I’m Brian Fellow. It’s fashion week here in New York City, so tonight we’re gonna meet some animals that people make clothes out of. I’m very excited, so let’s get going! Our first guest can be made into jackets or hats. Please welcome a bunny rabbit!

[ ANA GASTEYER walks in from stage right, holding a white rabbit. ANA has her hair tied back and is wearing a purple top and dark grey pants. We see more of the set, there is a large rhinosaurus in the background, and a small table and matching chair next to TRACY. ANA sits down. ]

Brian Fellow: And who are you?

Kirsten Francis: Uh, I’m Kirsten Francis, of PETA.

Brian Fellow: Welcome, Peta.

Kirsten Francis: No, I’m Kirsten, I’m with the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

[ ANA looks at him like he’s insane ]

Kirsten Francis: Yeah, I know, I know.

Brian Fellow: So what’s going on with this bunny rabbit?

Kirsten Francis: Well, this is Orphius. Last year, he was liberated from a filthy, understaffed labratory- Brian Fellow: Labratory? Is he some kind of rabbit scientist or something?

Kirsten Francis: No. He was the subject of a sadistic testing regiment.

Brian Fellow: A rabbit taking a test? That’s crazy!

Kirsten Francis: You know what’s crazy? The way this society treats our companion animals. Animal testing and the wearing of fur are both symptomatic of humans’ total disregard for animals.

[ TRACY is looking off into the distance, obviously not paying attention. A thought bubble appears above his head. In it, a rabbit in glasses is writing a test ]

Kirsten Francis: We must accept that fur is murder. And absolutely, my-

Brian Fellow: Yes!

Kirsten Francis: Yes what?

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Kirsten Francis: I know, Mr. Fellow.

Brian Fellow: Now let’s get down to serious business. How does the Easter bunny know where everybody’s house is?

Kirsten Francis: You know what, this is not the forum I thought it was, I’m leaving.

[ ANA stands and exits ]

Brian Fellow: Good, go! And take that rabbit scientist with you, he’s not as smart as he thinks. [ looks in the camera ] Sorry. Our next guest has made it to coats and scarves. Please welcome a mink!

[ SEAN enters, followed by a man who puts a cage containing three minks on the table beside TRACY. SEAN is wearing a striped brown, white and beige shirt, with a beige vest, and khakis ]

Brian Fellow: And who are you?

Pat Enstance: Uh, I’m Pat Enstance from the Bronx Zoo.

Brian Fellow: And I’m Brian Fellow! Pat Enstance: [ confused ] Yeah, I know, and I’m Pat Enstance.

Brian Fellow: And I’m Brian Fellow!

Pat Enstance: Okay, uh, Brian, these are short haired mink, they are from the ferret family and were bred to reduce the desirability to furiers-

Brian Fellow: [ looking at the minks ] Could you tell him to stop winking at me?! This white one here.

Pat Enstance: I’m pretty sure he’s not winking at you, Brian.

Brian Fellow: Yeah, well, he’d better stop. Now, my producers tell me that minks are sneaky and clever, is that true?

Pat Enstance: Well, they are extremely intelligent, but sneaky implies a little something different, I think.

Brian Fellow: Well, he’s gonna be walking different if he don’t stop winking at me.

Pat Enstance: You know what, Brian, this animal doesn’t ‘wink’ and he’s not ‘sneaky’ either.

Brian Fellow: Well, is he smart?

Pat Enstance: Actually, he is. It has been proven that the mink has a good memory, and adept at problem solving-

Brian Fellow: Problem solving? That’s funny!

[ SEAN looks confused and a little nervous ]

Pat Enstance: I’m not sure if it’s ‘funny’, but the knowledge that a mink can retain is amazing, that’s why I feel it’s a travesty that these animals must be bred specifically…

[ SEAN’s voice fades out as once again, TRACY begins to daydream. A thought bubble appears above his head, containing the same rabbit doing the quiz ]

Rabbit: [ with CHRIS KATTAN’s voice, only higher ] I’m good at taking tests, but you aren’t, are you Brian Fellow? Remember what the teacher would say? You’re a dummy, Brian Fellow!

Brian Fellow: Hey!

Pat Enstance: What’s wrong?

Brian Fellow: That rabbit insulted me!

[ SEAN looks around ]

Pat Enstance: What rabbit?

Brian Fellow: Can you teach your mink to kill a rabbit?

Pat Enstance: [ very confused ] Are you talking to me still?

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow! That’s all the time we have for today on ‘Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet’. Join me next time when we gonna meet animals that can be wallets or shoes. I’m Brian Fellow!

[ theme music starts up again, with the title appearing on screen. In the background, SEAN looks around, confused, and TRACY edges away from the mink cage. ]

[ END ]

Submitted by: The Unofficial Jack & Karen Site

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