SNL Transcripts: Sean Hayes: 02/17/01: Jeffrey’s


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 12

00l: Sean Hayes / Shaggy


Customer #1…..Chris Kattan
Clerk #2…..Jimmy Fallon
Clerk #1…..Sean Hayes
Customer #2…..Molly Shannon
Burly Customer…..Horatio Sanz
Supervisor…..Will Ferrell

Customer #1: Hi, excuse me, do you guys carry any Diesel brand jeans?

Clerk #2: [ sighs ] Ah, yeah.. we also carry Hootie and the Blowfish albums. Shall I wrap one up in a backwards baseball cap for you with a tape of the “Cheers” finale?

Clerk #1: Or you can try them in that time machine over there. Why don’t you set it for 1994?

Customer #1: Come on man – Diesel’s hip.

Clerk #1: Yeah – a hip that should be replaced. Let me guess: you wear Quicksilver swimming trunks.

Customer #1: Yeah, I do. What.. they’re cool.

Clerk #2: Yeah. Look, we don’t carry Diesel. We work at Jeffrey’s. We read Italian Vogue. It’s our deal. I don’t come to where you work and knock the corndog out of your hand.

Customer #1: Wait.. what? What does that mean?

Clerk #1: What it means is, we want you to be outside of our little invisa square. [ does shape of a square around themsleves ]

Customer #1: Okay, fine. Thank you very much.

[ Customer #2 enters ]

Customer #2: Hi, um.. I’m looking for a sweater for my boyfriend.

Clerk #2: [ sighs ] Really. Well, if you want it to match your outfit, then I suggest you try a Hallmark store.

Clerk #1: That way you can pick up that “Hang In There” poster you’ve been dying to get.

Clerk #2: Air five!

Customer #2: What are you talking about? I just said that I’m willing to spend $300 on a sweater.

Clerk #1: $300? Wow, so your check came in from being on Springer.

Customer #2: Very funny. I’ll go somewhere else then.

Clerk #2: You could drop five.

Customer #2: What? That is so rude of you!

Clerk #1: What’s rude is that Jean Nate’ body splash you are trying to pass off as perfume.

Customer #2: I am not wearing Geana Tai. Okay?

Clerk #1: Look, this isn’t Pack and Save. This is Jefferey’s.

Clerk #2: We don’t have a sweater for your boyfriend unless he’s dating you as some of some art peformance project, or something.

Clerk #1: Yeah, why don’t you go back to Kansas, fry some bologna, and adjust the cinderblocks on your house. Okay?

Clerk #2: Okay?

Clerk #1: Now, shoo!

Clerk #2: Shoo!

[ Burly Customer enters ]

Clerk #1: Ugh.. too bad they don’t have personal velvet ropes that you can put or wrap around yourself.

Clerk #2: Seriously.

Burly Customer: Hey, could you help me?

Clerk #1: [ sighs ] No.

Clerk #2: No.

Burly Customer: Come on, I was just looking for, like..

Clerk #1: No.

Clerk #2: No.

Burly Customer: But, I just..

Clerk #1: No.

Clerk #2: No.

Burly Customer: But I..

Clerk #1: No.

Clerk #2: No.

Burly Customer: But..

Clerk #1: No.

Clerk #2: No.

Burly Customer: Bu-..

Clerk #1: No.

Clerk #2: No. Look, we work at Jeffrey’s. I have Morrocan dental floss that’s more expensive then your entire wardrobe.

Burly Customer: What? This is a genuine leather Looney Tunes jacket!

Clerk #1: Hmm. I didn’t know Joey Buttafuaco had a garage sale. You might want to check back at Christmastime, when we donate clothes to the homeless.

Clerk #2: See you then.

Burly Customer: Well, maybe I’ll donate an insult to you bad dudes.

Clerk #1: Yeah, I’m sure that’s a devastating comeback in the break room at Circuit City.

Clerk #2: And I’m sure you got a meetball sub or something to finish in your El Camino.

Burly Customer: For your informacion, guy, I have a half-eaten taco in my Turcele. So held ya! [ exits ]

Clerk #1: It has been a nightmare today!

Clerk #2: Thank you!

Clerk #1: They should have never have added that door! The store was so much clearer when it had no entrance.

Clerk #2: I wish people could be more like clothes.

[ Supervisor enters on a motorized wheelchair ]

Supervisor: Okay, you guys.. [ cell phone rings; he pulls out a tiny cell phone ] Hold on. Hello? Yes. Really. Splendid. [ hangs up ] We’re going to the Dolce & Gabbana show. How fast can you have your bags packed for Milan?

Clerk #2: I got my Jack Spade bag packed already!

Clerk #1: My Paul Smith tote’s saying au revior.

Supervisor: More than perfect. Allows us to engage the Concord then.

Clerk #2: I wish they had something higher then first class.

Clerk #1: Please.

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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