Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 26: Episode 12
Jeffrey’s
Customer #1…..Chris Kattan
Clerk #2…..Jimmy Fallon
Clerk #1…..Sean Hayes
Customer #2…..Molly Shannon
Burly Customer…..Horatio Sanz
Supervisor…..Will Ferrell
Customer #1: Hi, excuse me, do you guys carry any Diesel brand jeans?
Clerk #2: [ sighs ] Ah, yeah.. we also carry Hootie and the Blowfish albums. Shall I wrap one up in a backwards baseball cap for you with a tape of the “Cheers” finale?
Clerk #1: Or you can try them in that time machine over there. Why don’t you set it for 1994?
Customer #1: Come on man – Diesel’s hip.
Clerk #1: Yeah – a hip that should be replaced. Let me guess: you wear Quicksilver swimming trunks.
Customer #1: Yeah, I do. What.. they’re cool.
Clerk #2: Yeah. Look, we don’t carry Diesel. We work at Jeffrey’s. We read Italian Vogue. It’s our deal. I don’t come to where you work and knock the corndog out of your hand.
Customer #1: Wait.. what? What does that mean?
Clerk #1: What it means is, we want you to be outside of our little invisa square. [ does shape of a square around themsleves ]
Customer #1: Okay, fine. Thank you very much.
[ Customer #2 enters ]
Customer #2: Hi, um.. I’m looking for a sweater for my boyfriend.
Clerk #2: [ sighs ] Really. Well, if you want it to match your outfit, then I suggest you try a Hallmark store.
Clerk #1: That way you can pick up that “Hang In There” poster you’ve been dying to get.
Clerk #2: Air five!
Customer #2: What are you talking about? I just said that I’m willing to spend $300 on a sweater.
Clerk #1: $300? Wow, so your check came in from being on Springer.
Customer #2: Very funny. I’ll go somewhere else then.
Clerk #2: You could drop five.
Customer #2: What? That is so rude of you!
Clerk #1: What’s rude is that Jean Nate’ body splash you are trying to pass off as perfume.
Customer #2: I am not wearing Geana Tai. Okay?
Clerk #1: Look, this isn’t Pack and Save. This is Jefferey’s.
Clerk #2: We don’t have a sweater for your boyfriend unless he’s dating you as some of some art peformance project, or something.
Clerk #1: Yeah, why don’t you go back to Kansas, fry some bologna, and adjust the cinderblocks on your house. Okay?
Clerk #2: Okay?
Clerk #1: Now, shoo!
Clerk #2: Shoo!
[ Burly Customer enters ]
Clerk #1: Ugh.. too bad they don’t have personal velvet ropes that you can put or wrap around yourself.
Clerk #2: Seriously.
Burly Customer: Hey, could you help me?
Clerk #1: [ sighs ] No.
Clerk #2: No.
Burly Customer: Come on, I was just looking for, like..
Clerk #1: No.
Clerk #2: No.
Burly Customer: But, I just..
Clerk #1: No.
Clerk #2: No.
Burly Customer: But I..
Clerk #1: No.
Clerk #2: No.
Burly Customer: But..
Clerk #1: No.
Clerk #2: No.
Burly Customer: Bu-..
Clerk #1: No.
Clerk #2: No. Look, we work at Jeffrey’s. I have Morrocan dental floss that’s more expensive then your entire wardrobe.
Burly Customer: What? This is a genuine leather Looney Tunes jacket!
Clerk #1: Hmm. I didn’t know Joey Buttafuaco had a garage sale. You might want to check back at Christmastime, when we donate clothes to the homeless.
Clerk #2: See you then.
Burly Customer: Well, maybe I’ll donate an insult to you bad dudes.
Clerk #1: Yeah, I’m sure that’s a devastating comeback in the break room at Circuit City.
Clerk #2: And I’m sure you got a meetball sub or something to finish in your El Camino.
Burly Customer: For your informacion, guy, I have a half-eaten taco in my Turcele. So held ya! [ exits ]
Clerk #1: It has been a nightmare today!
Clerk #2: Thank you!
Clerk #1: They should have never have added that door! The store was so much clearer when it had no entrance.
Clerk #2: I wish people could be more like clothes.
[ Supervisor enters on a motorized wheelchair ]
Supervisor: Okay, you guys.. [ cell phone rings; he pulls out a tiny cell phone ] Hold on. Hello? Yes. Really. Splendid. [ hangs up ] We’re going to the Dolce & Gabbana show. How fast can you have your bags packed for Milan?
Clerk #2: I got my Jack Spade bag packed already!
Clerk #1: My Paul Smith tote’s saying au revior.
Supervisor: More than perfect. Allows us to engage the Concord then.
Clerk #2: I wish they had something higher then first class.
Clerk #1: Please.
[ fade out ]
