Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 26: Episode 12
Fashion Week 2001
Adrian Dante…..Sean Hayes
Sally O’Malley…..Moly Shannon
[ Outside shot of a one story building in New York City. The caption at the bottom reads: Fashion Week 2001 New York City. CUT TO: Inside, where two models are posing in beige outfits on a catwalk, in front of a sign that reads: Adrian Dante. SEAN rides in between the two women on a scooter. He is wearing a baret, a blond wig, a brown scarf, a green and brown sweater, and matching brown pants. The models step aside to let him pass. He rides to the end of the catwalk and lets his scooter fly off the end. People are gathered around the stage, some taking pictures. Runway music is playing. ]
Adrian Dante: [ speaking with a German accent ] Who is Adrian Dante? Dante…Dante…In my collection tonight, I’ve try to combine the movement and fire of a Jackson Pollock painting with the warmth and curvature of Arohaho. May these designs touch you as much as I touch myself. Because that indeed would be one lucky collection. Love Adrian Dante. [ blows kiss ] Whoops, that’s for me. [ ‘grabs’ kiss back ][ SEAN walks out stage left very oddly as the music starts up and the lights dim. The two models leave with him and another more enters stage right in a similar beige outfit. She walks the catwalk, then turns and exits stage left. As she does, another model enters in a beige outfit, does the same routine, and exits. Now MOLLY SHANNON as Sally O’Malley enters. She’s wearing a red stretch top and pants, sneakers, and has on a curly dark brown wig. She looks at the audience as she tugs on her pants. SEAN enters stage left, hands on hips. ]
Adrian Dante: Who are you and why are you hijacking my show?
Sally O’Malley: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Sally O’Malley. I’m proud to say I’m fifty years old, I’m not one of those gals who likes to hide her age. And I like to kick! [ kicks ] Stretch! [ stretches ] And kick! [ kicks ] I’m fifty! Fifty years old, ladies and gentlemen, fifty years old! Fifty years old!
Adrian Dante: I’m sorry, I thought this was the Adrian Dante show, not “The Price is Right”.
Sally O’Malley: If you shut that little fly catcher of yours, I’ll tell you why I’m here.
Adrian Dante: And I’ll tell you five reasons why you shouldn’t be here: chin, boobs, hips, hair, and can.[ flashbulbs start going off ]
Adrian Dante: [ stepping in front of MOLLY with his arms out ] Please do not take pictures of her, this is not part of my collection.
Sally O’Malley: Ah, put your arms down. [ pushes SEAN’s arms down and moves him out of the way ] Now listen here, I’m here to take back the runway for all the regular gals out there. All right? So watch out you guys, ’cause here comes the house of O’Malley.
Adrian Dante: Oh, dear sweet Budda.[ MOLLY starts to walk down the catwalk as the music picks up faintly in the background ]
Sally O’Malley: Ladies and gentlemen, this one I like to call the ‘Easy Rider’. [ makes riding motions with her hands ] You slip it on Monday and ride it ’til the end of the week thanks to a touch of Febreeze. [ There is a shot of SEAN’s face, looking ticked off. MOLLY pulls up her pants again, looks back at SEAN, then looks like she’s about to laugh ]
Adrian Dante: Why am I being haunted by the ghost of Lee Mary Wether?
Sally O’Malley: And my favourite feature is the panty panel… [ indicates to her panty line ] …that let you get to the basement without going through the front door. All this in an attractive two-piece that allows me to kick! [ kicks ] Stretch! [ stretches ] And kick! [ kicks ] I’m fifty! Half a century, soldiers, half a century![ SEAN walks up to her ]
Adrian Dante: I should-[ stops because of applause ]
Sally O’Malley: Fifty years old. [ holds up hands, the right one in the shape of a zero, and the left one wide open, representing five ]
Adrian Dante: I should call security, but you are so mother-humping odd I can’t keep my eyes off you.
Sally O’Malley: Maybe that’s because I’m a choo-choo Charlie and a [ turns in a circle ] class act.
Adrian Dante: You’re either mentally ill or you’re going to make a big splash in the fashion industry. I am curious to know whether you can gallop with my thoroughbreads.
Sally O’Malley: I was born to strut, Dante.
Adrian Dante: Well, I’ll give you one shot, let’s see if your cat can still walk.
Sally O’Malley: I’ll show you that.[ MOLLY runs backstage and SEAN addresses the audience ]
Adrian Dante: And now back to the all new world of Spring and Summer with Dante, Dante, Dante, Dante, Dante.[ SEAN exits stage left and the music picks up and the lights dim. Two models in beige outfits walk out and pose at the end of the catwalk, followed by MOLLY. They have the name Adrian on their butts. MOLLY walks between the two and poses at the end. ]
Sally O’Malley: This little lovely number features a lovely little camel toe. [ pulls up pants ]
Sally O’Malley: Easy riding. Easy ride.[ SEAN claps his hands ]
Adrian Dante: Bravo, bravo.
Sally O’Malley: Camel toe, hike the pants up. Comfortable fit, for stretching. [ MOLLY raises her right leg and puts her foot on a man in the audience’s head to stretch ] Stretching, stretching… [ MOLLY bends over, using the man’s head for balance ] …stretching, see the pants fit. It ain’t never hurt nobody. [ rests her foot on another audience member’s head to stretch ] I’ll stretch it there.
Adrian Dante: Bravo, that was just fascinating, but you’re getting geezer dust all over my collection. Please get off my catwalk.
Sally O’Malley: Listen mister, who you callin’ a geezer, huh? I may have a few rings around my trunk, but at least I’m not trying to cover ’em up like you.
Adrian Dante: What’s your point?
Sally O’Malley: My point is I think that you should stop trying to make everyone perfect, especially yourself. And you should start by losing your grandson’s cap there… [ indicates to SEAN’s beret ] …and take it off… [ MOLLY’s takes the hat and tosses it to the audience. It is revealed that SEAN is bald, with a bad combover ] …and let your cueball breathe!
Adrian Dante: My combover![ SEAN looks down in embarassment ]
Sally O’Malley: And by the way, you don’t need… [ MOLLY lifts SEAN’s shirt up ] …this little man-girdle either! Take that off![ MOLLY removes the girdle and tosses it into the audience ]
Sally O’Malley: Here ya go!
Adrian Dante: I haven’t exhaled in eighteen years! Mama, that felt good!
Sally O’Malley: Let it all hang out, honey! See, how good it feels?
Adrian Dante: I like to scratch! [ scratches ] Belch! [ belches ] And scratch! I’m sixty!
Sally O’Malley: Listen, stick with me Dante! [ a piano starts to play ] We’re gonna knock the fashion world on their bony little butts! ‘Cause we know how to…[ blue lights come on and music starts, along with the piano ]
Sally O’Malley: [ singing ] Assentuate the positive![ Models in versions of MOLLY’s outfit begin to walk out from backstage ]
Both: [ singing ] Illiminate the negative!
Sally O’Malley: Hang on..
Both: To the informative!
But don’t mess with Mister in-between!
Sally O’Malley: You gotta spread joy
to the maximum.
Both: Bring gloom
down to the minimum.
liable to walk upon the sea!
Sally O’Malley: [ speaking ] I’m fifty! [ kicks ]
Adrian Dante: [ speaking ] I’m sixty! [ kicks, then acts as if he pulled something ][ The picture of MOLLY smiling and kicking and SEAN in pain freezes and becomes the cover of a Vogue, with the headline: Dante and O’Malley: ‘Geezer Chic’ . ] [ END ]
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