Backstreet Boys
Jingle: “Backstreet boys Backstreet Boys
Sucking all over the place
Putting out hits.
Yeah, they sound like [ bleep ]
They’re even sucking in outer space
Backstreet boys, Backstreet boys
Suckin’ hard for the human race.”
Mr. Gordon: Go ahead, Brian.
Brian: Testing, one, two-
Mr. Gordon: That’s plenty, Brian.
Brian: Thanks, Mr. Gordon.
Mr. Gordon: Okay, the levels are good. You guys ready to suck?
Brian: You bet, sir.
Kevin: Guys, we have to pick the order of the songs.
Mr. Gordon: Well, how do you wanna suck first? “Back to Your Heart” or “I Want it That Way”?
Brian: Yo! I think we should do a sucky ballad.
A.J.: [ trembling ] Hold on!
Brian: What’s wrong, A.J.?
A.J.: Sucking.. senses.. are tingling.
Howie D.: There’s trouble across town!
[ cut to across town, man getting beat up by a junkie ]
A.J.: There! He’s being beaten by that junkie.
Kevin: And nobody’s helping.
Nick: There’s no time to lose! We better suck!
Backstreet Boys: [ singing ]
“I got to have you, baby
for as long as you love me, too
you know you gotta feel me
as long as you love me, too.”
[ Junkie runs off in panic ]
Man: Thank you for your sucking, Backstreet Boys.
Brian: Any time.
John Tesh: You guys rock!
A.J.: Thanks, Mr. Tesh.
[ cut to the Mayor’s Office ]
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Once again, you have sucked above and beyond the call of duty. Your suckery has been a benefit to us all.
Nick: Thanks, Mr. Mayor.
Brian: Yo, and speaking of benefits, we have to go suck for a benefit album. Right, Mr. Goldsley.
Mr. Goldsley: Boys, the best singers in the business are on this album. This might not be the place to suck.
[ cut to the benefit recording of Celebrities For Whatever Is Left ]
Sting: Shall we go over those harmonies, Paul.
Paul Simon: you bet, Sting.
Paul McCartney: let’s do it, Stinglebum.
Together: [ singing ] “We all need to share whatever’s left to do-“
Backstreet Boys: [ interrupting ] As long as you can love me, too..
Sting: Get them out of here, Goldsley.
Paul McCartney: They’re making it all sucky-wuggly, they are.
Mr. Goldsley: I can explain, boys.
John Tesh: Maybe they’ll listen to me.
Mr. Goldsley: John Tesh?
John Tesh: Give them a chance. when I first left “E.T.” for music, I sucked harder than a Hoover. But now look at me – I’m an accepted member of the music community.
Sting: No, he’s not!
Mr. Goldsley: Play along. He’s a loose cannon.
Sting: Alright, jump in.
Everyone: “We all need to care for whatever’s left to do..”
Backstreet Boys: “Baby, you know I need and baby, you know I want-“
Sting: They’re sucking again!
Paul McCartney: It’s horrible.
Paul Simon: Now, look. They’re eating it!
[ sucky Backstreet Boys note eats one of the peace-loving notes ]
Sting: Someone open a window.
Mr. Goldsley: Boys, let’s go.
A.J.: But sucking’s what we do.
Paul Simon: Wait. Look outside, everybody! America’s lapping it up.
[ graphic of America laps up the sucky notes into its mouth ]
A.J.: America loves us.
Mr. Goldley: that’s my boys!
Brian: Thanks, sir.
Jingle: “Backstreet boys backstreet boys
Suckin’ hard for the human race.”
