Backstreet Boys

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Backstreet Boys


Jingle: “Backstreet boys Backstreet Boys
Sucking all over the place
Putting out hits.
Yeah, they sound like [ bleep ]They’re even sucking in outer space
Backstreet boys, Backstreet boys
Suckin’ hard for the human race.”

Mr. Gordon: Go ahead, Brian.

Brian: Testing, one, two-

Mr. Gordon: That’s plenty, Brian.

Brian: Thanks, Mr. Gordon.

Mr. Gordon: Okay, the levels are good. You guys ready to suck?

Brian: You bet, sir.

Kevin: Guys, we have to pick the order of the songs.

Mr. Gordon: Well, how do you wanna suck first? “Back to Your Heart” or “I Want it That Way”?

Brian: Yo! I think we should do a sucky ballad.

A.J.: [ trembling ] Hold on!

Brian: What’s wrong, A.J.?

A.J.: Sucking.. senses.. are tingling.

Howie D.: There’s trouble across town!

[ cut to across town, man getting beat up by a junkie ]

A.J.: There! He’s being beaten by that junkie.

Kevin: And nobody’s helping.

Nick: There’s no time to lose! We better suck!

Backstreet Boys: [ singing ]“I got to have you, baby
for as long as you love me, too
you know you gotta feel me
as long as you love me, too.”

[ Junkie runs off in panic ]

Man: Thank you for your sucking, Backstreet Boys.

Brian: Any time.

John Tesh: You guys rock!

A.J.: Thanks, Mr. Tesh.

[ cut to the Mayor’s Office ]

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Once again, you have sucked above and beyond the call of duty. Your suckery has been a benefit to us all.

Nick: Thanks, Mr. Mayor.

Brian: Yo, and speaking of benefits, we have to go suck for a benefit album. Right, Mr. Goldsley.

Mr. Goldsley: Boys, the best singers in the business are on this album. This might not be the place to suck.

[ cut to the benefit recording of Celebrities For Whatever Is Left ]

Sting: Shall we go over those harmonies, Paul.

Paul Simon: you bet, Sting.

Paul McCartney: let’s do it, Stinglebum.

Together: [ singing ] “We all need to share whatever’s left to do-“

Backstreet Boys: [ interrupting ] As long as you can love me, too..

Sting: Get them out of here, Goldsley.

Paul McCartney: They’re making it all sucky-wuggly, they are.

Mr. Goldsley: I can explain, boys.

John Tesh: Maybe they’ll listen to me.

Mr. Goldsley: John Tesh?

John Tesh: Give them a chance. when I first left “E.T.” for music, I sucked harder than a Hoover. But now look at me – I’m an accepted member of the music community.

Sting: No, he’s not!

Mr. Goldsley: Play along. He’s a loose cannon.

Sting: Alright, jump in.

Everyone: “We all need to care for whatever’s left to do..”

Backstreet Boys: “Baby, you know I need and baby, you know I want-“

Sting: They’re sucking again!

Paul McCartney: It’s horrible.

Paul Simon: Now, look. They’re eating it!

[ sucky Backstreet Boys note eats one of the peace-loving notes ]

Sting: Someone open a window.

Mr. Goldsley: Boys, let’s go.

A.J.: But sucking’s what we do.

Paul Simon: Wait. Look outside, everybody! America’s lapping it up.

[ graphic of America laps up the sucky notes into its mouth ]

A.J.: America loves us.

Mr. Goldley: that’s my boys!

Brian: Thanks, sir.

Jingle: “Backstreet boys backstreet boys
Suckin’ hard for the human race.”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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