Backstreet Boys

Backstreet Boys

Jingle: “Backstreet boys Backstreet Boys
Sucking all over the place
Putting out hits.
Yeah, they sound like [ bleep ]They’re even sucking in outer space
Backstreet boys, Backstreet boys
Suckin’ hard for the human race.”

Mr. Gordon: Go ahead, Brian.

Brian: Testing, one, two-

Mr. Gordon: That’s plenty, Brian.

Brian: Thanks, Mr. Gordon.

Mr. Gordon: Okay, the levels are good. You guys ready to suck?

Brian: You bet, sir.

Kevin: Guys, we have to pick the order of the songs.

Mr. Gordon: Well, how do you wanna suck first? “Back to Your Heart” or “I Want it That Way”?

Brian: Yo! I think we should do a sucky ballad.

A.J.: [ trembling ] Hold on!

Brian: What’s wrong, A.J.?

A.J.: Sucking.. senses.. are tingling.

Howie D.: There’s trouble across town!

[ cut to across town, man getting beat up by a junkie ]

A.J.: There! He’s being beaten by that junkie.

Kevin: And nobody’s helping.

Nick: There’s no time to lose! We better suck!

Backstreet Boys: [ singing ]“I got to have you, baby
for as long as you love me, too
you know you gotta feel me
as long as you love me, too.”

[ Junkie runs off in panic ]

Man: Thank you for your sucking, Backstreet Boys.

Brian: Any time.

John Tesh: You guys rock!

A.J.: Thanks, Mr. Tesh.

[ cut to the Mayor’s Office ]

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Once again, you have sucked above and beyond the call of duty. Your suckery has been a benefit to us all.

Nick: Thanks, Mr. Mayor.

Brian: Yo, and speaking of benefits, we have to go suck for a benefit album. Right, Mr. Goldsley.

Mr. Goldsley: Boys, the best singers in the business are on this album. This might not be the place to suck.

[ cut to the benefit recording of Celebrities For Whatever Is Left ]

Sting: Shall we go over those harmonies, Paul.

Paul Simon: you bet, Sting.

Paul McCartney: let’s do it, Stinglebum.

Together: [ singing ] “We all need to share whatever’s left to do-“

Backstreet Boys: [ interrupting ] As long as you can love me, too..

Sting: Get them out of here, Goldsley.

Paul McCartney: They’re making it all sucky-wuggly, they are.

Mr. Goldsley: I can explain, boys.

John Tesh: Maybe they’ll listen to me.

Mr. Goldsley: John Tesh?

John Tesh: Give them a chance. when I first left “E.T.” for music, I sucked harder than a Hoover. But now look at me – I’m an accepted member of the music community.

Sting: No, he’s not!

Mr. Goldsley: Play along. He’s a loose cannon.

Sting: Alright, jump in.

Everyone: “We all need to care for whatever’s left to do..”

Backstreet Boys: “Baby, you know I need and baby, you know I want-“

Sting: They’re sucking again!

Paul McCartney: It’s horrible.

Paul Simon: Now, look. They’re eating it!

[ sucky Backstreet Boys note eats one of the peace-loving notes ]

Sting: Someone open a window.

Mr. Goldsley: Boys, let’s go.

A.J.: But sucking’s what we do.

Paul Simon: Wait. Look outside, everybody! America’s lapping it up.

[ graphic of America laps up the sucky notes into its mouth ]

A.J.: America loves us.

Mr. Goldley: that’s my boys!

Brian: Thanks, sir.

Jingle: “Backstreet boys backstreet boys
Suckin’ hard for the human race.”

SNL Transcripts

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