KXLA Special Report


KXLA Special Report

Maria Escobal…..Maya Rudolph
Drew Barrymore…..Katie Holmes
Tom Green…..Jimmy Fallon
Fireman…..Tracy Morgan


Announcer: We interrupt this program to bring you a special report. We bring you now to Maria Escobal in the Hollywood Hills.

Maria Escobal: You’re looking at live footage of the home of actress Drew Barrymore, which caught fire tonight sometime around 1 a.m. We knew her career was on fire, now so is her house! Barrymore is the flame-haired actress who is known for her hot roles in “Firestarter”, “Home Fries“, and “Charlie’s Angels”. [ picking up a message in her earpiece ] What’s that? Stop making puns. Sorry. Okay. Apparently, Barrymore and her comedian fiance, Tom Green, escaped from the house unharmed, thanks to Drew’s dog Flossie. [ looks to the side ] Drew! Drew! KXLA News. What happened tonight?

[ as Drew walks up, Tom stands behind her open-mouthed and wide-eyed ]

Drew Barrymore: It was so magical! I mean, I was sleeping, and I heard this incessant barking and hairy wet face all over my body, and.. I thought it was Tom. But it was Flossie trying to save us. [ pets Flossie ] Good boy, Flossie!

Maria Escobal: Tom Green! Tom Green! Do you have any comments?

Tom Green: I’m angry that our house is burnt! My house is burning! Stop! Stop the house! Stop the house, it’s burning! It’s burning!

Drew Barrymore: Yes. Stop burning! [ laughs at Tom’s oh-so-cute antics ]

Maria Escobal: Are you at all saddened over the loss of personal property you’ve experienced tonight?

Drew Barrymore: [ long pause ] No. Tom is such a source of stability and comfort for me. He’s really my home.

Tom Green: [ yelling into megaphone ] My bum is on fire! My bum is on fire! I am not a liar! My bum is on fire! [ Drew laughs; Tom grabs Maria’s microphone ] I’m a newslady! I say things about the news!

Maria Escobal: Give me that..

Tom Green: Tom Green, let’s talk to your nipples, see what he thinks about the fire! [ squeezes his nipple ] “Nipple, nipple, nipple, nipple! Nipple, nipple, nipple!”

Maria Escobal: [ retrieves her microphone ] Here’s on of the firemen. Sir, do you think you’ll be able to save the house?

Fireman: Hell, no! I mean, that’s gonna burn down to the ground! We’re just happy that we saved Drew and the animal.

Maria Escobal: And Tom Green?

Fireman: Whatever.

Tom Green: [ in the Fireman’s face ] You’re a fireman! You put out fires! Fireman! Fire! [ licks Fireman’s face ]

Fireman: [ laughing ] This guy’s funny, man! This dude is hilarious! I sure want to get hot wit’choo!

Maria Escobal: So, Drew, Flossie the dog is the hero of the day.

Drew Barrymore: Flossie is so smart! I look into her eyes, and it’s, like, she’s trying to tell me something. What were you trying to tlel me, girl? [ bends down to pet Flossie ]

Flossie’s Inner Thoughts: Drew.. you’ve got to drop this guy.. he’s a dud.. He makes David Arquette look like a genius..

Tom Green: [ sits on Flossie, pretending to hump her ] Doggie, Doggie, Doggie! Sorry, Doggie. Doggie, Doggie, Doggie!

Flossie’s Inner Thoughts: Oh, Go-o-od.. good Lord, even I know this guy’s a loser, and I’m afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

Maria Escobal: I guess we’ll never know what Flossie is thinking, even though we’re burning to find out! For KXLA News, this is Maria Escobal reporting.

Tom Green: [ spreading face into the camera ] Doggie! doggie! Doggie! Doggie..!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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