KXLA Special Report
Maria Escobal…..Maya Rudolph
Drew Barrymore…..Katie Holmes
Tom Green…..Jimmy Fallon
Announcer: We interrupt this program to bring you a special report. We bring you now to Maria Escobal in the Hollywood Hills.
Maria Escobal: You’re looking at live footage of the home of actress Drew Barrymore, which caught fire tonight sometime around 1 a.m. We knew her career was on fire, now so is her house! Barrymore is the flame-haired actress who is known for her hot roles in “Firestarter”, “Home Fries“, and “Charlie’s Angels”. [ picking up a message in her earpiece ] What’s that? Stop making puns. Sorry. Okay. Apparently, Barrymore and her comedian fiance, Tom Green, escaped from the house unharmed, thanks to Drew’s dog Flossie. [ looks to the side ] Drew! Drew! KXLA News. What happened tonight?
[ as Drew walks up, Tom stands behind her open-mouthed and wide-eyed ]
Drew Barrymore: It was so magical! I mean, I was sleeping, and I heard this incessant barking and hairy wet face all over my body, and.. I thought it was Tom. But it was Flossie trying to save us. [ pets Flossie ] Good boy, Flossie!
Maria Escobal: Tom Green! Tom Green! Do you have any comments?
Tom Green: I’m angry that our house is burnt! My house is burning! Stop! Stop the house! Stop the house, it’s burning! It’s burning!
Drew Barrymore: Yes. Stop burning! [ laughs at Tom’s oh-so-cute antics ]
Maria Escobal: Are you at all saddened over the loss of personal property you’ve experienced tonight?
Drew Barrymore: [ long pause ] No. Tom is such a source of stability and comfort for me. He’s really my home.
Tom Green: [ yelling into megaphone ] My bum is on fire! My bum is on fire! I am not a liar! My bum is on fire! [ Drew laughs; Tom grabs Maria’s microphone ] I’m a newslady! I say things about the news!
Maria Escobal: Give me that..
Tom Green: Tom Green, let’s talk to your nipples, see what he thinks about the fire! [ squeezes his nipple ] “Nipple, nipple, nipple, nipple! Nipple, nipple, nipple!”
Maria Escobal: [ retrieves her microphone ] Here’s on of the firemen. Sir, do you think you’ll be able to save the house?
Fireman: Hell, no! I mean, that’s gonna burn down to the ground! We’re just happy that we saved Drew and the animal.
Maria Escobal: And Tom Green?
Tom Green: [ in the Fireman’s face ] You’re a fireman! You put out fires! Fireman! Fire! [ licks Fireman’s face ]
Fireman: [ laughing ] This guy’s funny, man! This dude is hilarious! I sure want to get hot wit’choo!
Maria Escobal: So, Drew, Flossie the dog is the hero of the day.
Drew Barrymore: Flossie is so smart! I look into her eyes, and it’s, like, she’s trying to tell me something. What were you trying to tlel me, girl? [ bends down to pet Flossie ]
Flossie’s Inner Thoughts: Drew.. you’ve got to drop this guy.. he’s a dud.. He makes David Arquette look like a genius..
Tom Green: [ sits on Flossie, pretending to hump her ] Doggie, Doggie, Doggie! Sorry, Doggie. Doggie, Doggie, Doggie!
Flossie’s Inner Thoughts: Oh, Go-o-od.. good Lord, even I know this guy’s a loser, and I’m afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
Maria Escobal: I guess we’ll never know what Flossie is thinking, even though we’re burning to find out! For KXLA News, this is Maria Escobal reporting.
Tom Green: [ spreading face into the camera ] Doggie! doggie! Doggie! Doggie..!
[ fade out ]