Jarret’s Room


Jarret’s Room

Jarret…..Jimmy Fallon
Gobey…..Horatio Sanz
Amber…..Katie Holmes
Daniel…..Chris Parnell

Jarret: What’s up, everybody? My name’s Jarret, and if you’re logging on for the first time, I do this webcast every day 24/7 from my sweet three-man, here at Hamster College. I’m super psyched today, ’cause I just got my sweet fake ID. So, from now on you can call me Habul Jalarhalo. Anyway, my first guest, as always, is my homey and my roommate, please welcome Gobey.

Gobey: What’s up, bro-bro? [ singing ] “Who let the bongs out?”

Jarret: For you guys who don’t know, Gobey can take any song and make it about bongs. Do another one.

Gobey: [ singing ] “My name is.. what,
my name is.. Bong Shady!”

Jarret: Oh, man, do another one!

Gobey: Alright. Ready? [ singing ] “Who let the bongs out?”

Jarret: Okay, they can’t all be winners. Anyway, the Oscars are coming up, so let’s take a look at the nominees. Alright, first category, Best Picture: “Chocolat.”

Gobey: Ah, Choc-o-lot! [ laughs ] That was awesome! Remember when we tried to convince those girls that we were French?

Jarret: Yeah. You were all.. [ mumbles in French ] Gobey! The next nominee: “Traffic.”

Gobey: Dude, that movie was hilarious! There was, like, this dude, and he couldn’t find his car. It was awesome!

Jarret: No, that was “Dude, Where’s My Car?” “Traffic” was the one about the war on drugs.

Gobey: Oh. I never want to fight a war on drugs. It’s hard enough going to school on drugs!

Jarret: The Coolest Movie: “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.”

Gobey: Oh, man, it was really hard! There were so many words on the bottom.. But Kung Fu is soft as cream cheese, dude. They’re all like.. [ imimates Kung Fu moves ] We got kicked out of the theater!

[ Amber enters the screen ]

Amber: Hi, Jarret.

Jarret: Amber? Oh, man, I forgot. This is Amber, she’s in my Women’s Study class, which, by the way, has not paid off like I was told. [ to Gobie ] Dude, don’t you have to go do something?

Gobey: No. You said I should stay, remember, until that girl came over that you wanted to- oh, yeaaahhh!! [ jumps up ] I gotta go!

Jarret: What’s up, Amber?

Amber: [ sits ] Hi, everyone. I just.. I wanted to let everyone know that from 3:00 to 3:45 p.m. tomorrow we’ll be making a human chain around the cafeteria in order to protest the university’s ties with the evil Skittles corporation.

Jarret: Really? How many people do you have so far?

Amber: Six. Two confirmed.

Jarret: Two is a good start.

Amber: Yeah, well, the Skittles is a known user of the Green Dye 44.

Jarret: Yeah. Green Dye 44 is bad. [ tries to kiss her ]

Amber: What are you doing?

Jarret: What are.. we doing?

Amber: Gross. Gross.

[ loud music plays in the background, “One Night In Bangkok” ]

Jarret: That’s my other roommate, Daniel. He’s really into the “Chess” soundtrack. The other day I caught him jumping on his bed listening to it. Dude, turn that off! [ music stops ] Daniel’s from Canada. The other day, me and Gobey convinced him that American girls really like it when you wear mesh tank tops and quote lines from Billy Joel songs.

[ Daniel enters the screen, wearing a mesh tank top ]

Daniel: Well, well, well. I didn’t realize we had a guest. You look like you must be an uptown girl. Who’s been living in her white bread world.

Amber: My God.. I love Billy Joel.

Jarret: [ surprised ] You do?

Daniel: Oh, I happen to have a bottle of red and a bottle of white.

Amber: Perhaps a little bottle of rose tonight.

Daniel: Absolutely.

Amber: I love your mesh tank top.

Jarret: You gotta be kidding me, man!

[ Gobey jumps back into the scene ]

Gobey: First off, relax!

Jarret: I’m not even excited.

Gobey: Okay, let’s just say, hypothetically, that I cracked open one of my glow sticks and smoked it.

Jarret: I guess I have to take Gobey to the hospital now.

Gobey: Hypothetically..!

Jarret: Tune in tomorrow when me and Gobey are gonna show you this sweet surveillance tape I got of the guy from Phish eating at Denny’s. Until then, this is Jarret, logging off.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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