Professor…..Will Ferrell
Lover…..Rachel Dratch
Student…..Katie Holmes
Husband…..Jimmy Fallon

[ open on interior, Professor’s living room ]

Lover: Can I interest anyone in some molasses raisin squares?

Student: Thanks so much, Professor.. I’m really excited to be your Research Assistant.

Professor: Well, you’re going to love this town. The college brings in a lot of entertaining events.

Lover: Last year we saw Marshall Crenshaw in concert.

Professor: Mmm..

Lover: And they just opened a Benetton’s.

Professor: Yes. It’s a very hip town. Would you like to try some more brandy?

Lover: Ooh.. No one knows brandy like my love-ah!

Professor: [ pours her a glass of brandy ] Ahhh.. good food.. fine spirits.. new friends.. what more could we want? Eh, love-ah?

Student: [ uncomfortable ] Boy! It’s, uh, been a really tough winter!

Husband: Brrr!

Student: When will it end?

Lover: I hope it never ends. Falling snow.. the crisp air.. your love-ah’s embrace..

Professor: [ gazes longingly at her ] Sometimes during the night I become scared, and cry out for my love-ah’s touch.. and I become soothed by the hot breath of my love-ah’s whisper..

Student: [ trying to change the subject ] Do you guys have any big plans for the weekend?

Professor: [ laughs ] I think I know what we’re doing this weekend!

Lover: Every Sunday morning, we wake up extra early, before first flight. We creep down the staircase, silent as mice, and then break the silence with the screams of our lovemaking.

Professor: And then we collapse, cover ourselves with woolen shawls and fill our bellies with ham.

Lover: Sunday mornings on top of my love-ah..

Together: Mmmmmmm…. Mmmmm…. Mmmmm….

Professor: As evening falls, we still hunger for our love-ah’s touch, and we make love.. right there in that chair you’re sitting in, Gail. [ Student jumps off chair ]

Lover: My love-ah then lights an evening pipe in satisfaction, his body glistening from eating close to two pounds of ham.

Professor: Please. We’ve been rude hosts. Who else wants to talk about their love-ah?

Student: Uh.. well.. once, when I was holed up working in the library, Mark came and surprised me by serenading outside of the window..

Husband: See, I knew that she would..

Professor: [ interrupting ] I have a story. One day I whisked my love-ah away, to a room at the prestigious Wesley Arms Hotel, bringing along some of my favorite erotic Persian lithographs..

Husband: [ shaking head ] I don’t like where this is going already..

Professor: For three glorious days, I handed my love-ah plump strawberries and smoked duck meat. She purred and giggled under the weight of my thrusting body, her mouth agape with a mixture of pleasure, longing, and duck meat.

Student: [ getting up ] You know.. I think we both need to go..

Husband: Yeah..

Student: ..we need to get up early in the morning..

Professor: [ pleased ] Ohhh.. the love-ahs! Going home to do what love-ahs do.

Student: Uh.. no. Mark is my husband.. I don’t call him “love-ah”..

Lover: Oh.. maybe you should try it. Hmm?

Professor: Yes. Just.. just say “love-ah”.

Student: [ relunctant ] Lover.

Professor: No, no, no.. no, no. “Love-ah”.

Lover: “Love-ah!”

Student: Lover.

Professor: “Love-ah”.

Lover: “Love-ah”.

Professor: “Love-ah”.

Lover: “Love-ah”.

Student: Love-ah!

Professor: Good, good! That’s it! Now, say it one more time. Believe it! Love-ahhh..

Student: Love-ahhhh…

Lover: Good! Now, what do you want to do?

Student: Hmm.. hmm.. [ suddenly spellbound ] I want to.. strip my love-ah naked.. throw him down in a lonely earth.. mount his wet body.. and slowly grind him into the ground with the thrust of our lovemaking..

Husband: [ chugs quick shot of brandy, and pulls his wife out of the room ] Let’s go! Let’s go! Thanks a lot!

Professor: Well.

Lover: Well. We’ve helped a few more love-ahs find their way.

Professor: Yes. Come here, love-ah.. [ grabs her ] Let me hold you in my big strong arms. What say we make love right here in our favorite chair?

Lover: Mmm.. I’d like nothing more.. love-ah.

Professor: [ sits ] Ahhh.. [ she sits onhis lap ] Ow! Ow, my back!

Lover: What? Love-ah, what?

Professor: My back!

Lover: Love-ah?

Professor: Are you DEAF?!! My BACK!! Get the HELL OFF OF ME!!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x