Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 26: Episode 12
00m: Katie Holmes / Dave Matthews Band
Tough as Nails
Rod….Will Ferrell
Carol….Katie Holmes
A.D….Chris Kattan
Richard….Chris Parnell
Black Actor….Tracy Morgan
[Opens on a movie set. Its a cop thriller. Rod plays a thug, Carol plays a detective, a black actor plays Carol’s partner and Richard is the director]
A.D.: “Tough as nails” Scene 108, take 4![clack]
Richard: And action!
[Scene plays. Carol and his partner have Rod with his arms up at gunpoint]
Rod: Its like I told you lady—I ain’t talking to no cops without my lawyer.
Carol: So you think you’re a tough guy, Spinelli? Is that it? Well, I don’t like tough guys.
Rod: That ain’t my problem, missy.
Carol: Oh, yeah? Well, I can make it your problem.[music sting and Carol grabs Rod violently by the balls]So, who sold you the stuff, huh?!
Rod: [panicked] Hey, man! This chick is crazy man! Get her off me ,man!
Carol: What’s the matter Spinecky? Spi–damn it!
Richard: All right, cut, cut. Great intensity Carol. Don’t worry. We’ll do it again. How are you doing, Rod?
Rod: [in some pain] Not bad. I think I have one more in me.
Richard: Ok, great. Now Carol, remember, you’re a woman on the force, all right? They don’t respect you. You got to prove that you’re tough, all right? Don’t hold back. Rod’s a pro. Ok? All right, we’ll start from “that ain’t my problem”. Ok?
A.D.: “Tough as nails”. Scene 108, take 5![clack]
Richard: And action!
[scene plays again]
Rod: That ain’t my problem, missy.
Carol: Well, I can make it your problem.[music sting, grabs Rod’s balls hard]So where’s the stuff?!
Rod: [in pain] Hey, man! This chick’s crazy, man! Get her off me, man!
Carol: Oh, what’s the matter Spinelli? You want your mamma?
Richard: And cut! That was great.
Rod:[exhausted] Moving on!
Richard:[to Carol] Hold up. I had an idea. Maybe you come at him soft, you know, you’re real quiet-type like, but then you get your hands on those gonads and you really turn the screws on them, you know, maybe twist them.
Carol: Twist them.
Richard: Don’t stop squeezing until you hear a crunch, you know what I mean? You hate him. He knows who killed your partner, ok? You know what I mean? Rod, you good, buddy?
Rod: Well, actually Richard to tell you the truth its just a little uncomfortable.
Richard: So lets do one more and then we’ll call it a day. Ok? All right? You start, Carol.
A.D.: “Tough as nails” Scene 108, take 6![clack]
Richard: And action!
[Scene plays again]
Carol: Oh, yeah? Well, I can make it your problem.[music sting, grabs the balls harder]Now who sold you the stuff, huh?!
Rod: [stammering incoherently]Get th–ah!, uh, aah!, aaaah!
Black Actor: Let go! Let go, man! That ain’t cool!
Richard: Cut! Come on, guys. Don’t ad-lib in here. Don’t ad-lib.
Black Actor: That was hurting me!
Carol: I really dug into him on that one.
Richard: You know what? I’d like to see more. Rod, what’s wrong, pal?
Rod:[in extreme pain] A fire down below, Richard. Can we take it easy?
Richard: All right.Ok. Carol, let up a bit. Rod’s getting sore.[whispers]Go at him even harder. If I know Rod this will be real Oscar stuff.[normal voice] Ok, nice and easy for Rod.
A.D.: “Tough as nails” Scene 8, take 7![clack]
Richard: And action!
[Scene plays again]
Carol: Oh, yeah? Well I can make it your problem.[music sting, grabs balls violently]Now who sold you the stuff, huh?
Rod:[in agony]Ok, ge-,ge-, da-da-da.[music sting, another violent handful to the nuts]Get her off!!!
Carol: What’s the matter, Spinelli? You want your mamma?
Rod: Uh-huh! I do! I WANT MY MAMMA! I WANT MY MAMMA!
[a boom mike is visible in the shot]
Richard: And cut! cut! Great on performance gang. But I got a boom mike in the shot. Hello? Ok, lets take it from the grab and do three in a row real quick. Ok? And action!
[scene plays, music sting, violent grabbing on Rod’s nuts]
Carol: So who sold you the stuff, huh?
Rod: Yipe!!!
[music sting, violent ball grab]
Carol: Who sold you the stuff, huh?
Rod:[in pain] No, thank you!!
[music sting, violent ball grab]
Carol: Who sold you the stuff, huh?
Rod: Eeee-yaaak!
Richard: Great. We almost got it. Almost.
Rod: Richard, I’m getting some swelling. Could you come over here and take a look? I mean…
[Richard looks down Rod’s pants]
Richard: Yikes! Is that from today?
Rod: I believe so. And it would in my best interest if we just moved on.
Richard: I can see what you mean. Gosh, I would hate to miss this shot, though. It really is the whole movie. Uh, could you give me one more?
Rod: No.
Richard: Tell you what. Let me talk it over with Carol. See what we come up with, all right? Carol, listen, Rod is losing it, ok? I’m in a real bind here. I don’t think grabbing him is working. I don’t know…
Carol: Well, why don’t I just kick him?
Richard: I like it, I like it a lot. Rod, problem solved. She’s not gonna squeeze you at all.
Rod: Great. As long as she doesn’t come close to my testicle area, that’d be great. These babies are big, red and sore as hell.
Richard: And action! Go! Carol! Go!
[Carol kicks Rod square in the balls]
Rod: Cheese and biscuits!
Richard: And cut! Great! We got it, gang! We got it. That’s a wrap! Unless you want another try Rod.
Rod: [in pain] No, no, no, no. I’m good. No, I’m gonna, just gonna go head on home and maybe catch a bite to eat or something. Maybe watch some tv and um,[Rod bends and picks up something from the floor] and, uh, uh, while I’m there, I might see if I can sew these babies back on.[Rod carries his swollen, red, black and blue balls in his hands]Yeah, yeah.[walks off]
[cheers and applause]
[fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
