SNL Transcripts: Katie Holmes: 02/24/01: Tough as Nails


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 12

00m: Katie Holmes / Dave Matthews Band

Tough as Nails

Rod….Will Ferrell
Carol….Katie Holmes
A.D….Chris Kattan
Richard….Chris Parnell
Black Actor….Tracy Morgan

[Opens on a movie set. Its a cop thriller. Rod plays a thug, Carol plays a detective, a black actor plays Carol’s partner and Richard is the director]

A.D.: “Tough as nails” Scene 108, take 4![clack]

Richard: And action!

[Scene plays. Carol and his partner have Rod with his arms up at gunpoint]

Rod: Its like I told you lady—I ain’t talking to no cops without my lawyer.

Carol: So you think you’re a tough guy, Spinelli? Is that it? Well, I don’t like tough guys.

Rod: That ain’t my problem, missy.

Carol: Oh, yeah? Well, I can make it your problem.[music sting and Carol grabs Rod violently by the balls]So, who sold you the stuff, huh?!

Rod: [panicked] Hey, man! This chick is crazy man! Get her off me ,man!

Carol: What’s the matter Spinecky? Spi–damn it!

Richard: All right, cut, cut. Great intensity Carol. Don’t worry. We’ll do it again. How are you doing, Rod?

Rod: [in some pain] Not bad. I think I have one more in me.

Richard: Ok, great. Now Carol, remember, you’re a woman on the force, all right? They don’t respect you. You got to prove that you’re tough, all right? Don’t hold back. Rod’s a pro. Ok? All right, we’ll start from “that ain’t my problem”. Ok?

A.D.: “Tough as nails”. Scene 108, take 5![clack]

Richard: And action!

[scene plays again]

Rod: That ain’t my problem, missy.

Carol: Well, I can make it your problem.[music sting, grabs Rod’s balls hard]So where’s the stuff?!

Rod: [in pain] Hey, man! This chick’s crazy, man! Get her off me, man!

Carol: Oh, what’s the matter Spinelli? You want your mamma?

Richard: And cut! That was great.

Rod:[exhausted] Moving on!

Richard:[to Carol] Hold up. I had an idea. Maybe you come at him soft, you know, you’re real quiet-type like, but then you get your hands on those gonads and you really turn the screws on them, you know, maybe twist them.

Carol: Twist them.

Richard: Don’t stop squeezing until you hear a crunch, you know what I mean? You hate him. He knows who killed your partner, ok? You know what I mean? Rod, you good, buddy?

Rod: Well, actually Richard to tell you the truth its just a little uncomfortable.

Richard: So lets do one more and then we’ll call it a day. Ok? All right? You start, Carol.

A.D.: “Tough as nails” Scene 108, take 6![clack]

Richard: And action!

[Scene plays again]

Carol: Oh, yeah? Well, I can make it your problem.[music sting, grabs the balls harder]Now who sold you the stuff, huh?!

Rod: [stammering incoherently]Get th–ah!, uh, aah!, aaaah!

Black Actor: Let go! Let go, man! That ain’t cool!

Richard: Cut! Come on, guys. Don’t ad-lib in here. Don’t ad-lib.

Black Actor: That was hurting me!

Carol: I really dug into him on that one.

Richard: You know what? I’d like to see more. Rod, what’s wrong, pal?

Rod:[in extreme pain] A fire down below, Richard. Can we take it easy?

Richard: All right.Ok. Carol, let up a bit. Rod’s getting sore.[whispers]Go at him even harder. If I know Rod this will be real Oscar stuff.[normal voice] Ok, nice and easy for Rod.

A.D.: “Tough as nails” Scene 8, take 7![clack]

Richard: And action!

[Scene plays again]

Carol: Oh, yeah? Well I can make it your problem.[music sting, grabs balls violently]Now who sold you the stuff, huh?

Rod:[in agony]Ok, ge-,ge-, da-da-da.[music sting, another violent handful to the nuts]Get her off!!!

Carol: What’s the matter, Spinelli? You want your mamma?


[a boom mike is visible in the shot]

Richard: And cut! cut! Great on performance gang. But I got a boom mike in the shot. Hello? Ok, lets take it from the grab and do three in a row real quick. Ok? And action!

[scene plays, music sting, violent grabbing on Rod’s nuts]

Carol: So who sold you the stuff, huh?

Rod: Yipe!!!

[music sting, violent ball grab]

Carol: Who sold you the stuff, huh?

Rod:[in pain] No, thank you!!

[music sting, violent ball grab]

Carol: Who sold you the stuff, huh?

Rod: Eeee-yaaak!

Richard: Great. We almost got it. Almost.

Rod: Richard, I’m getting some swelling. Could you come over here and take a look? I mean…

[Richard looks down Rod’s pants]

Richard: Yikes! Is that from today?

Rod: I believe so. And it would in my best interest if we just moved on.

Richard: I can see what you mean. Gosh, I would hate to miss this shot, though. It really is the whole movie. Uh, could you give me one more?

Rod: No.

Richard: Tell you what. Let me talk it over with Carol. See what we come up with, all right? Carol, listen, Rod is losing it, ok? I’m in a real bind here. I don’t think grabbing him is working. I don’t know…

Carol: Well, why don’t I just kick him?

Richard: I like it, I like it a lot. Rod, problem solved. She’s not gonna squeeze you at all.

Rod: Great. As long as she doesn’t come close to my testicle area, that’d be great. These babies are big, red and sore as hell.

Richard: And action! Go! Carol! Go!

[Carol kicks Rod square in the balls]

Rod: Cheese and biscuits!

Richard: And cut! Great! We got it, gang! We got it. That’s a wrap! Unless you want another try Rod.

Rod: [in pain] No, no, no, no. I’m good. No, I’m gonna, just gonna go head on home and maybe catch a bite to eat or something. Maybe watch some tv and um,[Rod bends and picks up something from the floor] and, uh, uh, while I’m there, I might see if I can sew these babies back on.[Rod carries his swollen, red, black and blue balls in his hands]Yeah, yeah.[walks off]

[cheers and applause]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 5 / 5. Vote count: 2

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x