Passive-Aggressive Pam
Maya…..Maya Rudolph
Lana…..Katie Holmes
Ken…..Jerry Minor
Passive-Aggressive Pam…..Ana Gasteyer
Barbershop Quartet…..Will Ferrell, Horatio Sanz, Chris Parnell, Jimmy Fallon
[ open on co-workers chatting to one another in break room ]
Maya: ..then I noticed I’d copied all the papers on pink paper!
Lana: [ walks up ] Hi. It’s my first day, and I was wondering if you could tell me where the supply cabinet is?
Maya: Oh. Oh, welcome. What department are you in?
Lana: I’m in Consulting. I work for.. Pam. [ the group members groan to themselves ] Uh.. is something bad?
Ken: You’ve got Passive-Aggressive Pam.
Passive-Aggressive Pam: [ enters ] Hi-i-i-i! [ group members barely responds ] Ooh.. you look tired. [ fake smile ] Hey, Lana, I thought we were meeting in my office? Oh, well.. I guess I goofed!
[ enter Barbershop Quartet, as the scene stands still ]
Barbershop Quartet: [ singing ]
“It’s a friendly little zinger
but it’s always got a stinger.
A verbal middle finger
is a nasty humdinger!
Hey! That compliment was really a slam!
It’s Passive-Aggressive Pa-a-a-a-a-ammm!”
[ Barbershop Quartet quickly stumble out of the scene as it comes back to life ]
Ken: How’s it going, Pam?
Passive-Aggressive Pam: Oh, fine. You know, I want to work in this department. Every time I’m in here, you’re on break!
[ they all turn to leave ]
Passive-Aggressive Pam: Hey, Ken, by the way – good job on that report. It was actually really useful! Hooray for you you!
Ken: Thank you?
Passive-Aggressive Pam: No problem! [ Ken exits ] So, Lana.. how’s it been going so far?
Lana: Oh, great. Everyone’s been really nice.
Passive-Aggressive Pam: Yeah, they put on quite a show! [ laughs ] Say.. that’s really a cute outfit! I wish I could pull off that funky brick-store look!
Lana: Thanks.
Passive-Aggressive Pam: Hey, remind me to tell you about the dress code, okay?
Lana: Is this inappropriate, or something?
Passive-Aggressive Pam: No. No, no, no.. I don’t have a problem with it. There’s no point in you going home today, anyway. [ laughs ] Okay. So, what you do here is, you key in your job number and your client number – it’s not rocket science, we’re all college grads here!
Lana: Well, in my case, junior college.
Passive-Aggressive Pam: Oh! Junior college is great! You know, my nephew has a learning disability, and he loves junior college!
[ enter Barbershop Quartet, as the scene stands still ]
Barbershop Quartet: [ singing ]
“She’ll casually insult you,
but she’ll say it with a grin.
You’ll think that she is praising you
while you take it on the chin!”
[ Barbershop Quartet quickly stumble out of the scene as it comes back to life ]
Lana: Uh.. Pam.. I was wondering, if it’s okay with you, I was thinking about coming in early tomorrow and doing some reorganizing?
Passive-Aggressive Pam: Ooh.. I love that ambition! Listen, if you end up blowing it off, just leave me a message!
Lana: Oh, no, I’ll be here. I come in with my fiance – he has to come in early, anyway.. he works in Accounting.
Passive-Aggressive Pam: Oh, your fiance! Who’s that?
Lana: Sean Bartlett.
Passive-Aggressive Pam: See! I told everyone he wasn’t gay! Good for you. And, you know what, if it doesn’t work out, you’re only.. 27..?
Lana: Uh.. 22.
Passive-Aggressive Pam: Oo-ooh! I spy a sun worshipper! Be careful!
Lana: Uh.. Pam? I’m very, very comfortable with conflict.. so, if there’s anything about me, you know, my clothes, my age, where I went to school, you know, you can come right out and tell me.
Passive-Aggressive Pam: Okay. Alright. Great. Thank you. I will keep that in mind. Can I offer you a mint?
[ enter Barbershop Quartet, as the scene stands still ]
Barbershop Quartet: [ singing ]
“She’s smiling, but she’s mean
It’s that, or what it seems.
You know that compliment was really a slam!
It’s Passive-Aggressive..”
Passive-Aggressive Pam: First time singing?
Barbershop Quartet: “Pa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-mmmmmm!!!”
[ fade out ]
