Passive-Aggressive Pam


Passive-Aggressive Pam

Maya…..Maya Rudolph
Lana…..Katie Holmes
Ken…..Jerry Minor
Passive-Aggressive Pam…..Ana Gasteyer
Barbershop Quartet…..Will Ferrell, Horatio Sanz, Chris Parnell, Jimmy Fallon


[ open on co-workers chatting to one another in break room ]

Maya: ..then I noticed I’d copied all the papers on pink paper!

Lana: [ walks up ] Hi. It’s my first day, and I was wondering if you could tell me where the supply cabinet is?

Maya: Oh. Oh, welcome. What department are you in?

Lana: I’m in Consulting. I work for.. Pam. [ the group members groan to themselves ] Uh.. is something bad?

Ken: You’ve got Passive-Aggressive Pam.

Passive-Aggressive Pam: [ enters ] Hi-i-i-i! [ group members barely responds ] Ooh.. you look tired. [ fake smile ] Hey, Lana, I thought we were meeting in my office? Oh, well.. I guess I goofed!

[ enter Barbershop Quartet, as the scene stands still ]

Barbershop Quartet: [ singing ]“It’s a friendly little zinger
but it’s always got a stinger.
A verbal middle finger
is a nasty humdinger!
Hey! That compliment was really a slam!
It’s Passive-Aggressive Pa-a-a-a-a-ammm!”

[ Barbershop Quartet quickly stumble out of the scene as it comes back to life ]

Ken: How’s it going, Pam?

Passive-Aggressive Pam: Oh, fine. You know, I want to work in this department. Every time I’m in here, you’re on break!

[ they all turn to leave ]

Passive-Aggressive Pam: Hey, Ken, by the way – good job on that report. It was actually really useful! Hooray for you you!

Ken: Thank you?

Passive-Aggressive Pam: No problem! [ Ken exits ] So, Lana.. how’s it been going so far?

Lana: Oh, great. Everyone’s been really nice.

Passive-Aggressive Pam: Yeah, they put on quite a show! [ laughs ] Say.. that’s really a cute outfit! I wish I could pull off that funky brick-store look!

Lana: Thanks.

Passive-Aggressive Pam: Hey, remind me to tell you about the dress code, okay?

Lana: Is this inappropriate, or something?

Passive-Aggressive Pam: No. No, no, no.. I don’t have a problem with it. There’s no point in you going home today, anyway. [ laughs ] Okay. So, what you do here is, you key in your job number and your client number – it’s not rocket science, we’re all college grads here!

Lana: Well, in my case, junior college.

Passive-Aggressive Pam: Oh! Junior college is great! You know, my nephew has a learning disability, and he loves junior college!

[ enter Barbershop Quartet, as the scene stands still ]

Barbershop Quartet: [ singing ]“She’ll casually insult you,
but she’ll say it with a grin.
You’ll think that she is praising you
while you take it on the chin!”

[ Barbershop Quartet quickly stumble out of the scene as it comes back to life ]

Lana: Uh.. Pam.. I was wondering, if it’s okay with you, I was thinking about coming in early tomorrow and doing some reorganizing?

Passive-Aggressive Pam: Ooh.. I love that ambition! Listen, if you end up blowing it off, just leave me a message!

Lana: Oh, no, I’ll be here. I come in with my fiance – he has to come in early, anyway.. he works in Accounting.

Passive-Aggressive Pam: Oh, your fiance! Who’s that?

Lana: Sean Bartlett.

Passive-Aggressive Pam: See! I told everyone he wasn’t gay! Good for you. And, you know what, if it doesn’t work out, you’re only.. 27..?

Lana: Uh.. 22.

Passive-Aggressive Pam: Oo-ooh! I spy a sun worshipper! Be careful!

Lana: Uh.. Pam? I’m very, very comfortable with conflict.. so, if there’s anything about me, you know, my clothes, my age, where I went to school, you know, you can come right out and tell me.

Passive-Aggressive Pam: Okay. Alright. Great. Thank you. I will keep that in mind. Can I offer you a mint?

[ enter Barbershop Quartet, as the scene stands still ]

Barbershop Quartet: [ singing ]“She’s smiling, but she’s mean
It’s that, or what it seems.
You know that compliment was really a slam!
It’s Passive-Aggressive..”

Passive-Aggressive Pam: First time singing?

Barbershop Quartet: “Pa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-mmmmmm!!!”

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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