Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 26: Episode 14
March 10th, 2001
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) Bush announces his new worry-free attitude.
Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.
Conan O’Brien’s MonologueSummary: Conan O’Brien shows clips of his writer’s cameo appearances from the 80’s, then takes Tract Morgan and a paramedic (Scott Wainio) downstairs for a tour of his talk show studio.
SubshackSummary: If you’re losing weight too fast, take a walk with Jared Fogel (Jimmy Fallon) to Subshack to put the pounds back on.
Cumberland FarmsSummary: With a little help from Eric Pearson (Conan O’Brien) and a fake moustache, Sully (Jimmy Fallon) and Denise (Rachel Dratch) score some beer.
Note: Ben Affleck’s character did not appear in the dress rehearsal.
Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Frank, Donny Bartalotti.
Moleculo: The Molecular ManSummary: Superhero Moleculo (Conan O’Brien) gives himself away by repeating his catch-phrase while assuming his mild-mannered disguise.
Napster HearingsSummary: Not only is Right Said Fred (Conan O’Brien) seeking copyright protection, he would also like a little something to eat.
Recurring Characters: Trent Lott, David Lee Roth.
Don Henley performs “Everything Is Different Now”Also Performed: 89d.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeyNote: Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey perform “Weekend Update” without any guest commentaries.
Taint-less TedSummary: A doctor (Conan O’Brien) informs patient Ted Brown (Horatio Sanz) that he’s lost his “taint”.
TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel invites viewers to “Find the Black People At The Knicks Game.”
VH-1 Diva-thonSummary: Diva Deandra Wells (Ana Gasteyer) causes a ruckus among the members of her back-up band.
Recurring Characters: Deandra Wells, Grodon Davis, Alan “Sticks” McRae, Donny Gordon, Lynda Lopez.
Democratic National CommitteeSummary: Marc Rich (Chris Kattan) discusses his financial woes.
Don Henley performs “The Heart Of The Matter”Note: When NBC reran the episode, this performance was replaced by a DeMarco Brothers sketch cut from dress rehearsal.
Sports CenturySummary: Early 20th Century boxer James “The Gentlemen Masher” Corcoran (Conan O’Brien) excelled at his sport until he agreed to spar with black competitors.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
DeMarco BrothersSummary: Kyle DeMarco (Chris Kattan), Sean DeMarco (Chris Parnell) and their cousin (Conan O’Brien) audition for Don Henley.
Recurring Characters: Kyle DeMarco, Sean DeMarco.
Note: This sketch aired in place of Don Henley’s second performance when the episode reran.