SNL Transcripts: Conan O’Brien: 03/10/01: Cumberland Farms


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 14

00n: Conan O’Brien / Don Henley

Cumberland Farms

Sully…..Jimmy Fallon
Denise…..Rachel Dratch
Eric Pearson…..Conan O’Brien
Frankie…..Horatio Sanz
Donnie Bartalotti…..Ben Affleck

Sully: Alright, hey, what’s up! I’m Pat Sullivan, I’m here with my boy, Tommy, in front of Cumberland Farms. We’re making a video for our Criminal Justice class, to show how frighteningly easy it is for minors to purchase alcohol in the greater Boston area. As I speak, my girl Denise is currently within, attempting to acquire a couple of tall boys. And if she succeeds, mark my words, I will be forced to confiscate the evidence and turn it in to the proper authorities – my mouth! [ Denise walks out of the store ] Hey, any luck?

Denise: Shot down. Apparently, the clerk was able to discern that I am not one Evelyn Chang. [ shows fake ID ]

Sully: Ah, you’re Evelyn Chang to me.

Denise: You are so queer!

Sully: You are!

[ they make out, until interrupted by Eric Pearson ]

Eric Pearson: Alright, freeze! Freeze! You’re under arrest for public display of a boner!

Denise: Oh, my God!

Sully: The answer to our prayers!

Denise: Mr. Eric Pearson! Confirmed hottie, former right wing for the varsity hockey team, and, although he’s 26, no stranger to our high school social circles.

Eric Pearson: Yeah! Hey, Tommy, your fly’s open! [ Tommy’s camera moves down to look ] Ha ha! Sucker!

Sully: Good one, bra! Eric is top-notch people. One time he stole a zamboni and drove it to the prom!

Denise: There’s always a pary at his house, ’cause his dad works nights and his mom’s totally deaf!

Eric Pearson: Yeah, yeah! And, not to brag, but I’m currently AWOL from the Coast Guard!

Sully: He is my idol! Second only to.. [ turns around to show his jersey ] Nomar!

Eric Pearson: Nomar! [ shows his t-shirt ] Nomar, we are praying for your wrist.

Sully: Godspeed. [ they all sign the cross ]

Denise: Yeah! Sully knows the heartbreak of a wrist injury, ’cause we broke up for a week, and he nearly gave himself carpal tunnel!

Sully: Shut up!

Denise: You shut up!

[ they make out ]

Eric Pearson: Yeah, yeah! Welcome to tonight’s episode of “Temptation Parking Lot”!

Denise: Oh, my God! Eric, are you going up to Ash’s Hill?

Eric Pearson: Ah.. yeah!

Sully: I’ve got moves on McCubby’s basement.

Eric Pearson: Says who, Smitty?

Denise: Says everybody! Scoop, Sage, Marty, Magoo..

Sully: ..Champy, Murph, Donny Bartalotti..

Eric Pearson: Yeah! Squeezebox said Hodey and Weezer were taking a keg out to Baker Hill!

Sully: No, sir – cancelled to the Storm of the Century!

Denise: Yeah! Hats off to meteorologist Bruce Schwaggler – you are as moron!

Sully: You are!

[ they make out ]

Eric Pearson: Alright, kiddie porn! Take a breather!

Sully: [ serious ] Eric.. will you buy us beer?

Eric Pearson: Ah.. I would if I could, junior, but I had my license permanently revoked ’cause I flipped my 4×4 doing donuts in the police parking lot.

Sully: Was it worth it?

Eric Pearson: Ah, no regrets, bro! The coppers took my car and I fractured my shoulder, but it was wicked pisser!

Denise: [ atop mechanical pony ride ] Alright, tick-tock, boys. Me and my pony here are still sober.

Sully: Alright, Plan B. I’m going in. [ applies fake moustache ] Watch and learn. [ enters store ]

Eric Pearson: [ approaches Denise ] So, uh.. how’s it going, Denise?

Denise: You can call me Zazoo, thank you very much. Zazoo!

Eric Pearson: You, uh.. you lost weight, but not in your boobs.

Denise: Oh, my God! Don’t start with me, Pearson, alright? Last time you sweet-talked me, I ended up with a broken heart and a bag full of poison ivy!

Eric Pearson: [ laughs ] You loved it!

Denise: And don’t ever tell Sully we did it, either. He thinks he’s my third. Ah, that’s totally off the record, Tommy. [ Tommy nods with camera ]

Eric Pearson: Ah, it never would have worked out between you and me. You’re just a kid, and I gotta focus on my landscaping career. Yeah, you’re better off with Sully.

Denise: Oh, I’m well aware. Believe me, alright? I mean, Sully may lack book smarts, street smarts, and basic emotional intelligence, but you know what? So don’t I.

Sully: [ exits store carrying a case of beer ] Jackpot! A moustache and a British accent works every time!

Eric Pearson: Hey, uh, can you guys give me a ride up to Ash’s Hill?

Sully: Yeah, no problem. Donny and Frank are gonna pick us up any minute..

[ Frank wheels up with Donny on the handlebars ]

Donny Bartalotti: What’s up, suckers! Who wants to party with big, bad Donny Bartalotti?!!

Sully: Hey, Frank! Frank, where’s your car?

Frank: It’s at the bottom of the reservoir.

Sully: Still?

Donny Bartalotti: No! Again!

Frank: Ah, come on, Frank!

Donny Bartalotti: Come on! Get on!

Denise: Seriously? Alright.. [ sits on Frank’s handlebars ]

Frank: Yeah, I’ll take you all! I’m strong like a animal!

Donny Bartalotti: Yo, guys! I got a ball of Pink Schnapps.. I got some rubber cement in here.. and a whole gallon of paint thinner! We partyin’ tonight!

[ everyone cheers and screams, as Frank wheels them all away on his bicycle ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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