SNL Transcripts: Conan O’Brien: 03/10/01: Cumberland Farms

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 14

00n: Conan O’Brien / Don Henley

Cumberland Farms

Sully…..Jimmy Fallon
Denise…..Rachel Dratch
Eric Pearson…..Conan O’Brien
Frankie…..Horatio Sanz
Donnie Bartalotti…..Ben Affleck

Sully: Alright, hey, what’s up! I’m Pat Sullivan, I’m here with my boy, Tommy, in front of Cumberland Farms. We’re making a video for our Criminal Justice class, to show how frighteningly easy it is for minors to purchase alcohol in the greater Boston area. As I speak, my girl Denise is currently within, attempting to acquire a couple of tall boys. And if she succeeds, mark my words, I will be forced to confiscate the evidence and turn it in to the proper authorities – my mouth! [ Denise walks out of the store ] Hey, any luck?

Denise: Shot down. Apparently, the clerk was able to discern that I am not one Evelyn Chang. [ shows fake ID ]

Sully: Ah, you’re Evelyn Chang to me.

Denise: You are so queer!

Sully: You are!

[ they make out, until interrupted by Eric Pearson ]

Eric Pearson: Alright, freeze! Freeze! You’re under arrest for public display of a boner!

Denise: Oh, my God!

Sully: The answer to our prayers!

Denise: Mr. Eric Pearson! Confirmed hottie, former right wing for the varsity hockey team, and, although he’s 26, no stranger to our high school social circles.

Eric Pearson: Yeah! Hey, Tommy, your fly’s open! [ Tommy’s camera moves down to look ] Ha ha! Sucker!

Sully: Good one, bra! Eric is top-notch people. One time he stole a zamboni and drove it to the prom!

Denise: There’s always a pary at his house, ’cause his dad works nights and his mom’s totally deaf!

Eric Pearson: Yeah, yeah! And, not to brag, but I’m currently AWOL from the Coast Guard!

Sully: He is my idol! Second only to.. [ turns around to show his jersey ] Nomar!

Eric Pearson: Nomar! [ shows his t-shirt ] Nomar, we are praying for your wrist.

Sully: Godspeed. [ they all sign the cross ]

Denise: Yeah! Sully knows the heartbreak of a wrist injury, ’cause we broke up for a week, and he nearly gave himself carpal tunnel!

Sully: Shut up!

Denise: You shut up!

[ they make out ]

Eric Pearson: Yeah, yeah! Welcome to tonight’s episode of “Temptation Parking Lot”!

Denise: Oh, my God! Eric, are you going up to Ash’s Hill?

Eric Pearson: Ah.. yeah!

Sully: I’ve got moves on McCubby’s basement.

Eric Pearson: Says who, Smitty?

Denise: Says everybody! Scoop, Sage, Marty, Magoo..

Sully: ..Champy, Murph, Donny Bartalotti..

Eric Pearson: Yeah! Squeezebox said Hodey and Weezer were taking a keg out to Baker Hill!

Sully: No, sir – cancelled to the Storm of the Century!

Denise: Yeah! Hats off to meteorologist Bruce Schwaggler – you are as moron!

Sully: You are!

[ they make out ]

Eric Pearson: Alright, kiddie porn! Take a breather!

Sully: [ serious ] Eric.. will you buy us beer?

Eric Pearson: Ah.. I would if I could, junior, but I had my license permanently revoked ’cause I flipped my 4×4 doing donuts in the police parking lot.

Sully: Was it worth it?

Eric Pearson: Ah, no regrets, bro! The coppers took my car and I fractured my shoulder, but it was wicked pisser!

Denise: [ atop mechanical pony ride ] Alright, tick-tock, boys. Me and my pony here are still sober.

Sully: Alright, Plan B. I’m going in. [ applies fake moustache ] Watch and learn. [ enters store ]

Eric Pearson: [ approaches Denise ] So, uh.. how’s it going, Denise?

Denise: You can call me Zazoo, thank you very much. Zazoo!

Eric Pearson: You, uh.. you lost weight, but not in your boobs.

Denise: Oh, my God! Don’t start with me, Pearson, alright? Last time you sweet-talked me, I ended up with a broken heart and a bag full of poison ivy!

Eric Pearson: [ laughs ] You loved it!

Denise: And don’t ever tell Sully we did it, either. He thinks he’s my third. Ah, that’s totally off the record, Tommy. [ Tommy nods with camera ]

Eric Pearson: Ah, it never would have worked out between you and me. You’re just a kid, and I gotta focus on my landscaping career. Yeah, you’re better off with Sully.

Denise: Oh, I’m well aware. Believe me, alright? I mean, Sully may lack book smarts, street smarts, and basic emotional intelligence, but you know what? So don’t I.

Sully: [ exits store carrying a case of beer ] Jackpot! A moustache and a British accent works every time!

Eric Pearson: Hey, uh, can you guys give me a ride up to Ash’s Hill?

Sully: Yeah, no problem. Donny and Frank are gonna pick us up any minute..

[ Frank wheels up with Donny on the handlebars ]

Donny Bartalotti: What’s up, suckers! Who wants to party with big, bad Donny Bartalotti?!!

Sully: Hey, Frank! Frank, where’s your car?

Frank: It’s at the bottom of the reservoir.

Sully: Still?

Donny Bartalotti: No! Again!

Frank: Ah, come on, Frank!

Donny Bartalotti: Come on! Get on!

Denise: Seriously? Alright.. [ sits on Frank’s handlebars ]

Frank: Yeah, I’ll take you all! I’m strong like a animal!

Donny Bartalotti: Yo, guys! I got a ball of Pink Schnapps.. I got some rubber cement in here.. and a whole gallon of paint thinner! We partyin’ tonight!

[ everyone cheers and screams, as Frank wheels them all away on his bicycle ]

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