SNL Transcripts: Conan O’Brien: 03/10/01: Moleculo: The Molecular Man


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 14

00n: Conan O’Brien / Don Henley

Moleculo: The Molecular Man

Bank Robber #1…..Chris Kattan
Bank Robber #2…..Tracy Morgan
Moleculo…..Conan O’Brien
Police Officer #1…..Chris Parnell
Police Officer #2…..Jerry Minor
Jimmy…..Jimmy Fallon
Lois…..Rachel Dratch
Chief…..Darrell Hammond
Mexican…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on exterior, Acme Federal Savings Bank, sounds of fighting heard within ] [ dissolve to interior, pile of bank robbers stacked on the floor ]

Bank Robber #1: We give up..!

Bank Robber #2: Yeah.. we give..! Who.. who are you, anyway?

Moleculo: I am Moleculo.. [ camera zooms in on his face ] ..The Molecular Maaaann!

[ cut to jingle ]

Jingle: “Moleculo! Moleculo! Moleculo!”

Moleculo: The Molecular Man!

[ cut back to bank interior, as the robbers are carted off the scene ]

Police Officer #1: Oh, well, that’s the last of them. I can’t believe notorious gangster Jackhammer Joe has been defeated.

Police Officer #2: Sure is great to have a superhero around. Thanks a lot! We owe you one Moleculo!

Moleculo: [ camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann!

[ the Police Officers are stunned by his sudden outburst ]

Police Officer #1: Yeah.. Well, uh.. we can handle it from here. Thanks again.

Moleculo: Remember: wherever evil lurks, I’ll be there! [ exits ]

Police Officer #1: I wonder where he came from?

Police Officer #2: I don’t know. No one knows much of anything about Moleculo..

Moleculo: [ rushes in – camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann!

Police Officer #1: Okay, dude. We know! Thanks!

[ cut to The Daily Newspaper Building ]

Announcer: Later that day, back at The Daily Newspaper where Moleculo works under his secret identity of Brett Barker..

[ dissolve to interior ]

Chief: Good issue, gang, you did a bang-up job!

Jimmy & Lois: Thanks a lot, Chief!

Chief: And I gotta say, Brett Barker got a fantastic scoop on this Moleculo story! You know, he always seems to know when Moleculo’s gonna show up!

Lois: Wait a second.. you guys don’t think..?

Jimmy: Yeah, right! Brett Barker? Moleculo!

[ everyone laughs, as Brett Barker enters ]

Brett Barker: Hey, gang. What’s the good word?

Chief: We were just talking about this great story you wrote!

Brett Barker: Ah, thanks, Chief. I was just in the right place at the right time.

Lois: You know, you always seem to be in the right place at the right time – when it comes to Moleculo!

Brett Barker: [ camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann!

Jimmy: Yes. Him.

Chief: Well.. anyway.. I just wanted to say “Good Job” on this Moleculo story..

Brett Barker: [ camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann!

Lois: What is wrong with you?

Jimmy: Are you high?

Brett Barker: No, I.. I just have some work that I should probably do.. so.. see you later.. [ exits room ]

Jimmy: Something’s fishy about that Brett Barker..

Chief: Say, what do you mean?

Lois: Well.. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I think it’s possible that Brett is somehow connected to Moleculo.

Brett Barker: [ crashes through wall, as camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann! [ pause, as everyone stares at him ] What?!

Chief: Okay. Okay! You’re Moleculo! Just admit it!

Brett Barker: Wait.. well, how’d you know..?

Jimmy: Oh, gee, I don’t know.. maybe it was Moleculo!

Brett Barker: [ camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaa-.. ohh.. right.. it’s the yelling. Damn! I just can’t control it, you know? I get really excited.. Well, I guess my cover’s blown.

Lois: What will you do now?

Brett Barker: Well, in order to continue my crime-fighting ways, I must leave you, and travel somewhere far, far away. Farewell, oh friends. [ exits room ] [ cut to Mexico, Brett Barker seen inside El Diario De Hoy ]

Mexican: Ah, Senor Barker. Muchas gracis. Su historia es muy excelente.

Brett Barker: !A mi me gusta mi trabajo mucho!

Mexican: Trabejo soy yo le Moleculo.

Brett Barker: [ camera zooms in on his face ] El hombre de los moleculos!

Mexican: [ pause ] Tu el es Moleculo?

Brett Barker: [ throws off sombrero ] Si.. si.. caramba!

Jingle: “Moleculo! Moleculo! Moleculo!”

Moleculo: The Molecular Man!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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