Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 26: Episode 14
00n: Conan O’Brien / Don Henley
Moleculo: The Molecular Man
Bank Robber #1…..Chris Kattan
Bank Robber #2…..Tracy Morgan
Moleculo…..Conan O’Brien
Police Officer #1…..Chris Parnell
Police Officer #2…..Jerry Minor
Jimmy…..Jimmy Fallon
Lois…..Rachel Dratch
Chief…..Darrell Hammond
Mexican…..Horatio Sanz
[ open on exterior, Acme Federal Savings Bank, sounds of fighting heard within ]
[ dissolve to interior, pile of bank robbers stacked on the floor ]
Bank Robber #1: We give up..!
Bank Robber #2: Yeah.. we give..! Who.. who are you, anyway?
Moleculo: I am Moleculo.. [ camera zooms in on his face ] ..The Molecular Maaaann!
[ cut to jingle ]
Jingle: “Moleculo! Moleculo! Moleculo!”
Moleculo: The Molecular Man!
[ cut back to bank interior, as the robbers are carted off the scene ]
Police Officer #1: Oh, well, that’s the last of them. I can’t believe notorious gangster Jackhammer Joe has been defeated.
Police Officer #2: Sure is great to have a superhero around. Thanks a lot! We owe you one Moleculo!
Moleculo: [ camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann!
[ the Police Officers are stunned by his sudden outburst ]
Police Officer #1: Yeah.. Well, uh.. we can handle it from here. Thanks again.
Moleculo: Remember: wherever evil lurks, I’ll be there! [ exits ]
Police Officer #1: I wonder where he came from?
Police Officer #2: I don’t know. No one knows much of anything about Moleculo..
Moleculo: [ rushes in – camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann!
Police Officer #1: Okay, dude. We know! Thanks!
[ cut to The Daily Newspaper Building ]
Announcer: Later that day, back at The Daily Newspaper where Moleculo works under his secret identity of Brett Barker..
[ dissolve to interior ]
Chief: Good issue, gang, you did a bang-up job!
Jimmy & Lois: Thanks a lot, Chief!
Chief: And I gotta say, Brett Barker got a fantastic scoop on this Moleculo story! You know, he always seems to know when Moleculo’s gonna show up!
Lois: Wait a second.. you guys don’t think..?
Jimmy: Yeah, right! Brett Barker? Moleculo!
[ everyone laughs, as Brett Barker enters ]
Brett Barker: Hey, gang. What’s the good word?
Chief: We were just talking about this great story you wrote!
Brett Barker: Ah, thanks, Chief. I was just in the right place at the right time.
Lois: You know, you always seem to be in the right place at the right time – when it comes to Moleculo!
Brett Barker: [ camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann!
Jimmy: Yes. Him.
Chief: Well.. anyway.. I just wanted to say “Good Job” on this Moleculo story..
Brett Barker: [ camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann!
Lois: What is wrong with you?
Jimmy: Are you high?
Brett Barker: No, I.. I just have some work that I should probably do.. so.. see you later.. [ exits room ]
Jimmy: Something’s fishy about that Brett Barker..
Chief: Say, what do you mean?
Lois: Well.. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I think it’s possible that Brett is somehow connected to Moleculo.
Brett Barker: [ crashes through wall, as camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann! [ pause, as everyone stares at him ] What?!
Chief: Okay. Okay! You’re Moleculo! Just admit it!
Brett Barker: Wait.. well, how’d you know..?
Jimmy: Oh, gee, I don’t know.. maybe it was Moleculo!
Brett Barker: [ camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaa-.. ohh.. right.. it’s the yelling. Damn! I just can’t control it, you know? I get really excited.. Well, I guess my cover’s blown.
Lois: What will you do now?
Brett Barker: Well, in order to continue my crime-fighting ways, I must leave you, and travel somewhere far, far away. Farewell, oh friends. [ exits room ]
[ cut to Mexico, Brett Barker seen inside El Diario De Hoy ]
Mexican: Ah, Senor Barker. Muchas gracis. Su historia es muy excelente.
Brett Barker: !A mi me gusta mi trabajo mucho!
Mexican: Trabejo soy yo le Moleculo.
Brett Barker: [ camera zooms in on his face ] El hombre de los moleculos!
Mexican: [ pause ] Tu el es Moleculo?
Brett Barker: [ throws off sombrero ] Si.. si.. caramba!
Jingle: “Moleculo! Moleculo! Moleculo!”
Moleculo: The Molecular Man!
[ fade to black ]
