Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 26: Episode 14
Conan O’Brien’s Monologue
Conan O’Brien: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a really big night for me. As some of you may know, I started out as a writer, right here on “Saturday Night Live”, about ten years ago.. The whole time I was here, I just yearned to be a performer so much.. and, every now and then, they let me play a really small part. You know? And I’d get a few seconds of that sweet on-camera glory – Conan Time, I called it! No one else called it that.. It was small parts, but I did the best I could. Let’s take a moment now, to review some of my fine work.[ Music Over: “Nobody Does It Better”, Carly Simon ] [ tape reel plays clips: “Wait At The Bar”, “Waikiki Hockey”, “The Nude Talk Show, 5-Timer’s Monologue, and a scene of a horse; arrows point out Conan’s appearances in the clips ] [ cut back to Conan in the studio ]
Conan O’Brien: Thank you! Obviously, a lot’s changed since then. I have my own show now – the 12:30 show, the “Late Night” show. In fact, the studio we tape my show in, is right here in this building, Rockefeller Center. It’s just two floors down from where we are now? Would you like to see it? Because I’m so proud that I have my own studio! It’ll be really cool, let’s go see my studio! [ walks through the hall backstage ] Hey, Tracy!
Tracy Morgan: My man! C.O.B.! What up, dog!
Conan O’Brien: Yeah, I’m going to show the audience my studio. Would you like to come?
Tracy Morgan: Yeah! No doubt! I’ve never seen a television studio before!
Conan O’Brien: Well, great! This’ll be great! Come on, let’s go! It’ll be great, you’ll love it.. [ continues down the hall ] Hey, look! Japanese tourists! Hi! [ they take his picture ] Cool. They have no idea who I am. Uh.. we’re going to go down to my studio, you want to go down to my studio? Come on, let’s go. [ Japanese Tourists follow Conan and Tracy, as he addresses them ] In my country, I’m a very big celebrity. That’s right.. I host my own show.. but now I’m hosting this other show tonight, that is very rare in America – only me and Leeza Gibbons! It’s a very rare honor. Come on, you’re gonna love this, it’s right around this way.. [ they’ve made their way to the next floor ] Isn’t this great?
Tracy Morgan: [ jazzed up ] The C.O.B. Studio!
Conan O’Brien: Yeah.
Tracy Morgan: Yeah! Are we gonna be on TV?
Conan O’Brien: Uh.. well, Tracy, you’re on TV now.
Tracy Morgan: Really?
Conan O’Brien: Yeah.
Tracy Morgan: [ moves closer to the camera and holds up his hands ] Brookyn in da house!!
Conan O’Brien: Okay, folks, come on, let’s keep it moving, alright? [ they continue down the hall, as they pass paramedics crouched over a heart attack victim ] Hey there, life-saving paramedics! You want to come see my studio?
Paramedic: Sure! Alright! [ they follow ]
Conan O’Brien: Great! Hey, how about you, Heart Attack Victim? [ no response ] His loss.. let’s go! [ sees his mom ] Hey, it’s my Mom! How are you! [ hugs her ] I can’t believe it! This is my Mom! What are you doing here?
Mom: I came to see you on “Saturday Night Live”, but I got lost.
Conan O’Brien: Oh. Well, I found you, that’s the important thing, Mom. I’m just taking all these wonderful people down to see my studio. You want to come?
Mom: I’d love to!
Conan O’Brien: Yeah, you’ve never seen it before – we’re very distant, yeah! [ Tracy puts his hand around Conan’s Mom ] Uh, get your hand off her, Tracy.. Alright, let’s go, this is great.. [ finally reaches the studio door ] This is my studio! 6-A, where it all happens. This is really cool, you’re gonna love it![ Conan opens the doors to his studio, only to find “Late Night” bandleader Max Weinberg straddled atop his desk making love to his wife, Becky ]
Conan O’Brien: Max!
Max Weinberg: Oh, hey, Conan! Hi, Mrs. O’Brien!
Conan O’Brien: Uh.. okay, yeah.. okay, great.. no, no, no, Max! You know, he does this on the weekends.. uh.. we’ll take a little break. When we come back, Don Henley is gonna be here – musical guest.. uh, stick around, we’ll be right back!