SNL Transcripts: Conan O’Brien: 03/10/01: Napster Hearings


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 14

00n: Conan o’Brien / Don Henley

Napster Hearings

David Lee Roth…..Chris Kattan
Sen. Trent Lott…..Darrell Hammond
Right Said Fred…..Conan O’Brien
Sen. Evan Bayh…..Chris Parnell
Female Senator…..Ana Gasteyer
The Guy From Cameo…..Tracy Morgan
Toni Basil…..Rachel Dratch
Neil Tennant…..Jimmy Fallon
Rico Suave…..Horatio Sanz
Corey Hart…..Will Ferrell

[ open on exterior, U.S. Capitol Building ]

Announcer: C-Span now resumes coverage of the Senate Judiciary Committee Hearings of the Internet music-swapping site Napster. Over the past several months, the committee has heard testimony from some of the industry’s biggest stars. Now we hear testimony from some of the.. others.

[ dissolve to interior, U.S. Capitol ]

David Lee Roth: Bozadee bop..! ..zitty bop!

Sen. Trent Lott: Yeah. Well, uh, thank you for your testimony, Mr.. Lee Roth..

David Lee Roth: [ tips hat ] Zeebuhla bop! [ exits ]

Sen. Trent Lott: Okay. Next witness, would you please state your name, Sir?

Right Said Fred: Right Said Fred.

Sen. Evan Bayh: Okay, Mr.. Said Fred.. do you have a prepared statement?

Right Said Fred: Yes, Sir, I do. [ turns on boombox to play his one-hit wonder “I’m Too Sexy”, stands up and gyrates ]

Sen. Evan Bayh: Please! We need you to turn off the music!

Right Said Fred: [ turns music off ] I’m sorry, Senator. [ reads statement ] “There was a time when I was to sexy for my shirt. Now I find myself forced to be too sexy for copyright infringement.” [ lowers testimony ] My livelihood depends on my ability to sell copies of my many hit songs, like “I’m Too Sexy”.. and other songs that I may one day write.

Sen. Trent Lott: Uh.. excuse me for a minute, Mr.. Said Fred. Now, we have here up-to-date records, and, since the inception of Napster, your work has bee downloaded.. uh.. let me check here.. [ consults folder ] ..mmm.. okay.. never.

Right Said Fred: I see.

Sen. Evan Bayh: Excuse me, Mr. Said Fred, I need some clarification here. At one point, weren’t you a lot more buff?

Right Said Fred: Uh.. if you will allow me to stand up here.. [ stands ] As you can see, I am still too sexy for my shirt.

[ senators discuss Right Said Fred’s statement amongst themselves ]

Female Senator: Actually, it is the opinion of this committee that you are not.

Right Said Fred: [ sits ] Okay.. I’ve, uh.. I’ve had some hard times.. eventually, I became too sexy for my gym membership fee.

Sen. Trent Lott: Okay. Thank you for coming in.

Right Said Fred: Yeah, so, is there food here? How does it work..?

Sen. Trent Lott: Thank you for coming in! Next wintess!

[ Right Said Fred exits, as The Guy From Cameo enters ]

Female Senator: Could you please state your name for the record?

The Guy From Cameo: Word Up! I’m the Guy From Cameo. Word Up!

Sen. Evan Bayh: I’m sorry.. I don’t remember you. What was your hit song?

The Guy From Cameo: [ is briefed by his lawyer before being allowed to answer.. ] Word Up!

Sen. Evan Bayh: Still don’t.. uh.. how does it go?

The Guy From Cameo: Word Up!

Sen. Evan Bayh: Alright. Uh.. do you have a statement to make?

The Guy From Cameo: Yes, I do, Senator. [ puts on reading glasses, takes piece of paper out of pocket, unfolds it and reads.. ] “Word Up!”

Sen. Evan Bayh: Alright. Thank you for your time. Thank you.

Sen. Trent Lott: Next witness, please, Toni Basil. [ Toni runs in, dressed in her 80’s cheerleader outfit ] Oh-ho-okay! I remember you! “Oh, Mickey, you’re so fine! you’re so fine, you blow my mind, hey Mickey!”

Toni Basil: That’s correct, Senator Lott!

Sen. Trent Lott: Are you prepared to give your statement?

Toni Basil: Um.. actually, no. I don’t even know why I’m here. I just got an official summons to show up here in this outfit.

Sen. Trent Lott: Oh, uh.. sorry about that. Strom Thurmond and I just have a thing for cheerleaders!

[ Strom Thurmond waves seductively to Toni ]

Female Senator: You’re excused.

Sen. Evan Bayh: Next! [ Neil Tennant enters ] State your name.

Neil Tennant: I’m Neil Tennant. I used to be a part of The Pet Shop Boys.

Sen. Evan Bayh: Right. And what do you do now?

Neil Tennant: These days, I work in an actual pet shop. But I’m planning a big comeback. In a west end town, a dead end world. The eastern boys and west end girls..”

Female Senator: Please, Sir, stop singing.

Neil Tennant: “What have I.. what have I.. what have I done to deserve this?”

Female Senator: I said stop singing.

Neil Tennant: I wasn’t singing! I’m flat broke, and I work in a pet shop! What have I done to deserve this?

Sen. Trent Lott: Next witness!

[ Neil Tennant exits, as Rico Suave enters ]

Sen. Evan Bayh: What the..? Could you state your name, please?

Rico Suave: Ri-co! Sua-ve! Yea-eah!

Sen. Evan Bayh: Man.. you’ve really let yourself go! How did you let that happen to yourself?

Rico Suave: Chocolate.. donuts! Yea-eah!

Sen. Evan Bayh: Next!

[ Corey Hart enters in a wheelchair ]

Corey Hart: I’m Corey Hart.

Female Senator: Good Lord! What happened to you?

Corey Hart: I wore my sunglasses at night, and I ended up in a pretty serious car accident.

Sen. Trent Lott: Listen, does anyone have anything relevant to say here?

Right Said Fred: [ enters wearing a beekeeper costume ] I, uh, have some testimony that I think you’ll find quite interesting.

Sen. Trent Lott: Who are you?

Right Said Fred: I’m the.. Beekeeper.. from The Village People!

Sen. Trent Lott: Very well, you may present your, uh..

Sen. Evan Bayh: Wait a minute! There was no Beekeeper in The Village People!

Sen. Trent Lott: It’s you, isn’t it, Right Said Fred?

Right Said Fred: [ removes his bonnet in shame ] Yeah, it’s me! Please! Somebody feed me! I’m not too sexy to eat day-old bagels, just anything!

Sen. Trent Lott: [ bangs gavel ] Let’s take a recess. Somebody please give this poor retch a muffin..

Announcer: C-Span will return in a moment.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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