SNL Transcripts: Conan O’Brien: 03/10/01: Subshack

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 14

00n: Conan O’Brien / Don Henley


Jared Fogel…..Jimmy Fallon
Cashier…..Maya Rudolph
Karen Jackman…..Ana Gasteyer
Bob Ettinger…..Tracy Morgan

[ open on skinny Jared Fogul walking down the street ]

Announcer: Remember Jared? He’s inspired a lot of people to go back to his favorite restaurant.

Jared Fogul: [ holding picture of himself thin and holding former megasize pants ] This is me, six months ago. I’ve always wanted to wear pants like this! Well, now I can. Because I went back.. to SubShack!

Jingle: “He’ll lead you back. To SubShack!”

Cashier: Hi, Jared! We knew you’d be back!

[ Jared holds the door so two of his fat friends can enter SubShack ]

Jared Fogul: My idea of a balanced diet is to have all my favorite red meats in one sandwich. Thanks, SubShack!

[ show skinny Karen Jackman; quick cut to fatter Karen with “Gained 135 Pounds” SUPER over her ]

Jingle: “He’ll lead you back. To SubShack!”

Karen Jackman: [ holding giant SubShack sandwich ] No stupid Happy Meals. Just lots and lots of food!

Jared Fogul: This week at Subshack, get a Super Meat ‘N Cheeser, plus a side of bacon chili fries, a 32-ounce Mountain Dew, and a pecan sugarloaf. All for just $7.99!

[ show skinny Bob Ettinger carrying a bicycle over his shoulders; quick cut to Bob with “Gained 160 Pounds” SUPER over him ]

Jingle: “He’ll lead you back. To SubShack!”

Bob Ettinger: And the Supa Baloney is low in sodium – I like that!

Jingle: “He’ll lead you back. To SubShack!”

Jared Fogul: SubShack! Where the only word that follows “healthy” is “appetite”!

Announcer: Thanks, SubShack!

[ fade out on Jared chowing down on his SubShack ]

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