SNL Transcripts: Conan O’Brien: 03/10/01: Subshack


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 14

00n: Conan O’Brien / Don Henley


Jared Fogel…..Jimmy Fallon
Cashier…..Maya Rudolph
Karen Jackman…..Ana Gasteyer
Bob Ettinger…..Tracy Morgan

[ open on skinny Jared Fogul walking down the street ]

Announcer: Remember Jared? He’s inspired a lot of people to go back to his favorite restaurant.

Jared Fogul: [ holding picture of himself thin and holding former megasize pants ] This is me, six months ago. I’ve always wanted to wear pants like this! Well, now I can. Because I went back.. to SubShack!

Jingle: “He’ll lead you back. To SubShack!”

Cashier: Hi, Jared! We knew you’d be back!

[ Jared holds the door so two of his fat friends can enter SubShack ]

Jared Fogul: My idea of a balanced diet is to have all my favorite red meats in one sandwich. Thanks, SubShack!

[ show skinny Karen Jackman; quick cut to fatter Karen with “Gained 135 Pounds” SUPER over her ]

Jingle: “He’ll lead you back. To SubShack!”

Karen Jackman: [ holding giant SubShack sandwich ] No stupid Happy Meals. Just lots and lots of food!

Jared Fogul: This week at Subshack, get a Super Meat ‘N Cheeser, plus a side of bacon chili fries, a 32-ounce Mountain Dew, and a pecan sugarloaf. All for just $7.99!

[ show skinny Bob Ettinger carrying a bicycle over his shoulders; quick cut to Bob with “Gained 160 Pounds” SUPER over him ]

Jingle: “He’ll lead you back. To SubShack!”

Bob Ettinger: And the Supa Baloney is low in sodium – I like that!

Jingle: “He’ll lead you back. To SubShack!”

Jared Fogul: SubShack! Where the only word that follows “healthy” is “appetite”!

Announcer: Thanks, SubShack!

[ fade out on Jared chowing down on his SubShack ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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