SNL Transcripts: Conan O’Brien: 03/10/01: Taint-less Ted

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 14

00n: Conan O’Brien / Don Henley

Taint-less Ted

Ted Brown….Horatio Sanz
Doctor….Conan O’Brien
Nurse….Ana Gasteyer
Mrs. Brown….Rachel Dratch
Freddie Gannon….Will Ferrell
Announcer Gary St. Laurel….Chris Parnell

[Opens with a shot of a house cut to the inside of it. Living room]

Ted Brown: Honey, I’m going to the good McDonalds onBanesville for some fries.

Mrs. Brown: That’s an hour drive. Just go to the oneacross the street.

Ted Brown: No, the one in Banesville is better.

Mrs. Brown: Ok, but remember Bruce Jenner’s in theActor’s Studio in 15 minutes and you’ve been pumped upabout that for like 2 weeks.

Ted Brown: Oh, my God! I almost forgot. Wait. I gotit. If I drive 135 miles an hour I can make it thereand back in 10 minutes.

Mrs. Brown: Honey, that is just a little bit extreme.

Ted Brown: We’re wasting time! I’m going!

[Jumps over table, runs out. Cut to an overview of thehighway and a red car crashing horribly.Shots ofdoctors taking in someone on a gurney, operating room.Dissolves to Ted in a hospital bed]

Nurse: Mr. Brown, Mr. Brown. Can you hear me?

Ted Brown: Where am I?

Nurse: You’re tied to a bed in a shack. We’re weirdhillbilly cannibals and we’re gonna stick things in your butt.

Ted Brown: Aaaaahhh!! No! Help!

Nurse: I’m jokin’, I’m jokin’! It’s an old hospitaljoke. Calm down. You’re in Shelton Memorial.

[Doctor comes in]

Doctor: Hello there, Mr. Ber-an-wa.

Ted Brown: Brown.

Doctor: Yes, Braawn. Yes. Sorry, that’s a very oddname. I see you’ve woken up. Give us a few nurse, would you?

[nurse leaves]

Ted Brown: Doctor, what happened to me?

Doctor: Well, you were in a grisly car wreck, Mr.Berawn. But somehow after 10 hours of surgery, you’re alive.

Ted Brown: Thank you, doctor.

Doctor: Unfortunately, there is some bad news. And Iwant you to brace yourself Mr. Berone. In order tosave your life I was forced to remove your taint.

Ted Brown: What?!

Doctor: You had suffered massive trauma to your taint.We did all we could but in the end we were forced toremove it. Your taint. That is.

Ted Brown: What the hell is a taint?

Doctor: A taint, sir is the area between your rectumand your genitals. It ain’t your “uum” and it ain’tyour “aah”. So it’s a taint.

Ted Brown: Wait a minute. Are you talking about myfleshy fun bridge?

Doctor: You know, I haven’t heard that term since mysecond year of medical school but yes. That’s exactlywhat I’m talking about.

Ted Brown: You bastard!! You butchered me!! Where didyou get your medical degree out of a box of “HillStreet Blues” cereal?

Doctor: Was there a “Hill Street Blues” cereal?

Ted Brown: I’m pretty sure it was.

Doctor: Look Mr. Burnwa…

Ted Brown: It’s brown!!

Doctor: No sir, the taint is flesh colored.

Ted Brown: No, my name is Mr. Brown!

Doctor: Mr. Brawn, I assure you the field of taintprosthetics is advancing at a rapid pace. We can buildyou an artificial taint out of wood and yes, it will be bionic.

Ted Brown: Oh, God!!! I got no taint!!! What good amI?!!How does that song go,[sings]”Riders of the storm,like an actor all alone, some dude without ataint”….oh, man.

Doctor: Yes, we all love the Stones. Now sir, yourwife is outside and she’d like to see you.

Ted Brown: Oh, great.

Doctor: Yes.

Ted Brown: Let her in so she can see her taint lesshusband. ” He can’t work! He lost his taint!”

Doctor: Get a hold of yourself, man! There’s plenty ofjobs you can do without a taint.

Ted Brown: Name one.

Doctor: Well, there’s….I can’t.

[In walks Mrs. Brown with big sleazy guy with aponytail and a moustache]

Mrs. Brown: Ted?

Ted Brown: Don’t look at me!

Mrs. Brown: Ted, I’m so sorry. I couldn’t wait. I’veremarried. This is Freddie Gannon. He’s got a hugetaint!

Freddie Gannon: Real bum break about losing yourtaint. But don’t worry, I gave away your dog and I’msexin’ up your wife Freddie Gannon style. Ever need adiscount on a plastic diver for your fish tank, giveme a jingle.

Mrs. Brown: I’m so sorry.

Doctor: How good a deal you talking on that plastic diver?

Freddie Gannon: 400 clams.

Doctor: Oh, that is sweet! Cannot pass that up!

Ted Brown: I wish I would have died.

Doctor: Hey!, a lot of men and women worked damn hardto save you.[inspirational music plays]You’ve beengiven a gift. The gift of life. Now use it. Become ashinning example for the taint less everywhere. Livefriend and live well.

Ted Brown: Doctor, I’ve been a fool. I’m gonna takeyour gift and use it to become the first taint lessPresident!!

[Raises his fist in the air, freeze frame. Captionsscroll up the screen and announcer reads]

Announcer: And so Ted Braaawn from that day forthnever pitied himself for his lack of a taint again.And even though he didn’t become President, he did goon to become a not so bad guy who mops up at thebank-ident. And through his example, hundreds oftaint-less others have risen to prominence. Peoplelike Roy Smalley[photo of Roy], the guy who says”Let’s get ready to rumble”,[photo of Michael Buffer],Purvis Short[photo of the guy]…excuse me, I misreadthat Purvis Ellison[replaced by another photo], TheJessie White Tumblers[photo of the whole bunch], therobotic owl from “Clash of the Titans”[photo of theowl], Sirhan Sirhan[photo of the guy] and me Gary St.Laurel[photo of Gary in suit and tie]your announcer,that’s right. I bet you had no idea the person readingthis voice over does not have a taint.

Voice of a man: Nah, we knew, we knew.

Announcer: Oh, wow. I think I’m gonna cry. No, I’mnot. Yep, I am.[sobbing cries] Just stop tape. Stop it!

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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