SNL Transcripts: Conan O’Brien: 03/10/01: Taint-less Ted


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 14

00n: Conan O’Brien / Don Henley

Taint-less Ted

Ted Brown….Horatio Sanz
Doctor….Conan O’Brien
Nurse….Ana Gasteyer
Mrs. Brown….Rachel Dratch
Freddie Gannon….Will Ferrell
Announcer Gary St. Laurel….Chris Parnell

[Opens with a shot of a house cut to the inside of it. Living room]

Ted Brown: Honey, I’m going to the good McDonalds onBanesville for some fries.

Mrs. Brown: That’s an hour drive. Just go to the oneacross the street.

Ted Brown: No, the one in Banesville is better.

Mrs. Brown: Ok, but remember Bruce Jenner’s in theActor’s Studio in 15 minutes and you’ve been pumped upabout that for like 2 weeks.

Ted Brown: Oh, my God! I almost forgot. Wait. I gotit. If I drive 135 miles an hour I can make it thereand back in 10 minutes.

Mrs. Brown: Honey, that is just a little bit extreme.

Ted Brown: We’re wasting time! I’m going!

[Jumps over table, runs out. Cut to an overview of thehighway and a red car crashing horribly.Shots ofdoctors taking in someone on a gurney, operating room.Dissolves to Ted in a hospital bed]

Nurse: Mr. Brown, Mr. Brown. Can you hear me?

Ted Brown: Where am I?

Nurse: You’re tied to a bed in a shack. We’re weirdhillbilly cannibals and we’re gonna stick things in your butt.

Ted Brown: Aaaaahhh!! No! Help!

Nurse: I’m jokin’, I’m jokin’! It’s an old hospitaljoke. Calm down. You’re in Shelton Memorial.

[Doctor comes in]

Doctor: Hello there, Mr. Ber-an-wa.

Ted Brown: Brown.

Doctor: Yes, Braawn. Yes. Sorry, that’s a very oddname. I see you’ve woken up. Give us a few nurse, would you?

[nurse leaves]

Ted Brown: Doctor, what happened to me?

Doctor: Well, you were in a grisly car wreck, Mr.Berawn. But somehow after 10 hours of surgery, you’re alive.

Ted Brown: Thank you, doctor.

Doctor: Unfortunately, there is some bad news. And Iwant you to brace yourself Mr. Berone. In order tosave your life I was forced to remove your taint.

Ted Brown: What?!

Doctor: You had suffered massive trauma to your taint.We did all we could but in the end we were forced toremove it. Your taint. That is.

Ted Brown: What the hell is a taint?

Doctor: A taint, sir is the area between your rectumand your genitals. It ain’t your “uum” and it ain’tyour “aah”. So it’s a taint.

Ted Brown: Wait a minute. Are you talking about myfleshy fun bridge?

Doctor: You know, I haven’t heard that term since mysecond year of medical school but yes. That’s exactlywhat I’m talking about.

Ted Brown: You bastard!! You butchered me!! Where didyou get your medical degree out of a box of “HillStreet Blues” cereal?

Doctor: Was there a “Hill Street Blues” cereal?

Ted Brown: I’m pretty sure it was.

Doctor: Look Mr. Burnwa…

Ted Brown: It’s brown!!

Doctor: No sir, the taint is flesh colored.

Ted Brown: No, my name is Mr. Brown!

Doctor: Mr. Brawn, I assure you the field of taintprosthetics is advancing at a rapid pace. We can buildyou an artificial taint out of wood and yes, it will be bionic.

Ted Brown: Oh, God!!! I got no taint!!! What good amI?!!How does that song go,[sings]”Riders of the storm,like an actor all alone, some dude without ataint”….oh, man.

Doctor: Yes, we all love the Stones. Now sir, yourwife is outside and she’d like to see you.

Ted Brown: Oh, great.

Doctor: Yes.

Ted Brown: Let her in so she can see her taint lesshusband. ” He can’t work! He lost his taint!”

Doctor: Get a hold of yourself, man! There’s plenty ofjobs you can do without a taint.

Ted Brown: Name one.

Doctor: Well, there’s….I can’t.

[In walks Mrs. Brown with big sleazy guy with aponytail and a moustache]

Mrs. Brown: Ted?

Ted Brown: Don’t look at me!

Mrs. Brown: Ted, I’m so sorry. I couldn’t wait. I’veremarried. This is Freddie Gannon. He’s got a hugetaint!

Freddie Gannon: Real bum break about losing yourtaint. But don’t worry, I gave away your dog and I’msexin’ up your wife Freddie Gannon style. Ever need adiscount on a plastic diver for your fish tank, giveme a jingle.

Mrs. Brown: I’m so sorry.

Doctor: How good a deal you talking on that plastic diver?

Freddie Gannon: 400 clams.

Doctor: Oh, that is sweet! Cannot pass that up!

Ted Brown: I wish I would have died.

Doctor: Hey!, a lot of men and women worked damn hardto save you.[inspirational music plays]You’ve beengiven a gift. The gift of life. Now use it. Become ashinning example for the taint less everywhere. Livefriend and live well.

Ted Brown: Doctor, I’ve been a fool. I’m gonna takeyour gift and use it to become the first taint lessPresident!!

[Raises his fist in the air, freeze frame. Captionsscroll up the screen and announcer reads]

Announcer: And so Ted Braaawn from that day forthnever pitied himself for his lack of a taint again.And even though he didn’t become President, he did goon to become a not so bad guy who mops up at thebank-ident. And through his example, hundreds oftaint-less others have risen to prominence. Peoplelike Roy Smalley[photo of Roy], the guy who says”Let’s get ready to rumble”,[photo of Michael Buffer],Purvis Short[photo of the guy]…excuse me, I misreadthat Purvis Ellison[replaced by another photo], TheJessie White Tumblers[photo of the whole bunch], therobotic owl from “Clash of the Titans”[photo of theowl], Sirhan Sirhan[photo of the guy] and me Gary St.Laurel[photo of Gary in suit and tie]your announcer,that’s right. I bet you had no idea the person readingthis voice over does not have a taint.

Voice of a man: Nah, we knew, we knew.

Announcer: Oh, wow. I think I’m gonna cry. No, I’mnot. Yep, I am.[sobbing cries] Just stop tape. Stop it!

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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