SNL Transcripts: Conan O’Brien: 03/10/01: Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 14


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00n: Conan O’Brien / Don Henley

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Cigarette Box voice…..Chris Parnell

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Centre, this is Weekend Update, with Jimmy Fallon, and Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

After experiencing chest pains Monday, Vice-President Dick Cheney was rushed to George Washington University Medical Centre. When asked how Cheney’s angina would affect the administration, President Bush confidently told reporters, “Boys don’t have anginas”

Michael Jackson arrived in London this week on crutches after breaking his foot in a “common household accident” in his Netherland ranch. “It could have happened to anyone,” Jackson told a reporter. “See my llama and I were chasing Liz Taylor around the elephant man’s bones, and I tripped on my cape.”

At his final inner-circle correspondence dinner, Mayor Rudy Guiliani shaved his legs, put on high heels, and danced with the Rockettes. The mayor stayed at the party until almost dawn, when he was seen leaving with a very drunk Tracy Morgan.

An Australian man, Rob Milner, announced that next March, he plans to sky-dive from 25 miles from above the Earth, reaching speeds of over 1000 miles per hour, and breaking the sound barrier. And in future news, Rob Milner is dead.

Kathie Lee Gifford will play a romance novelist in an up-coming episode of ‘Just Shoot Me’. Cathie Lee said Just Shoot Me is her husband Frank’s favourite show, and that he wanders around the house all the time just muttering the title over and over again.

A month into his 10 year as attorney general, John Ashcroft has begun to actively reach out to African-Americans and gays. Which is why Ashcroft is now subscribing to Black Inches magazine.

Tina Fey: It’s a good magazine…

Johnny Depp says that he had to eat so much chocolate during the making of the Oscar nominated film “Chocolat” that he says that he will never eat it again. In a related story, the movie “Chocolat” was so choca-long and choca-boring, that I want my choca-money back.

As part of his on-going financial disclosure Jesse Jackson told the Chicago sun times this week that he doesn’t have a checking account or a credit card. Probably because to get those you need a job!! What is your job…?

Arnold Shwarzenagger told USA today, that he hasn’t ruled out running for Governor of California next year, saying that he ill make a decision in a few months. Reportedly, Arnold needs that time to learn how to pronounce (in Arnold voice) “Gubernatorial”.

Jimmy Fallon: A British firm has filed a pattern for a talking cigarette pack, that delivers a warning about the hazards of smoking every time the lid is opened. We got a pack right here acually. (Opens box of cigarettes)

Cigarette Box Voice: You’d better not SMOKE THESE!! You’ll get cancer if you SMOKE THESE DELICIOUS CIGARETTES.

FED Chairman Alan Greenspan turned 75 this week, however talk on the street is that he’s going to lower it to 74 and a half.

According to a report released Tuesday, female inmates in the United States have been victims of sexual misconduct by corrections employees in every state, except Minnesota. So ladies, if yo wanna rob a bank, but you don’t want your cooter poked, head to beautiful Minnesota, land of 10,000 lakes.

Duke University researches have wired the brains of monkeys to control robotic arms in hopes that one day paralyzed humans will be able to control artificial limbs. But so far, all they have done of allowed paralysed monkeys to have better aim when they throw their own poop.

O.J Simpson is once again facing criminal charges, this time over a road-rage incident in which Simpson violently ripped a mans glasses off his head. On a positive note, this time he left the head.

This week, Sporty Spice told the Rueters News Agency that she was done with the Spice Girls. Making her just 2 years behind everyone else.

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted by: Roseanne S.

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