Der Lacheln Beherrscht


Der Lacheln Beherrscht

Herr Gracken…..Will Ferrell
Olaus…..Chris Parnell
Herr Doktor…..Horatio Sanz
Hulga…..Julia Stiles

Announcer: You’re watching Nickelodeon! Coming up: it’s a double dose of “Blues Clues” at 9! But right now, stay tuned for the new hit show, straight from Germany’s Kinder Funnan Network – it’s time for “Der Lachlen Beherrscht”, “The Smile Masters”!

Herr Gracken: Gud morgen!

Olaus: Schnell! Schnell! Schnell!

[ cut to bizarre opening credits sequence ] [ open on Herr Gracken hammering a nail into a board ]

Olaus: [ subtitles: “Mr. Gracken! We have new American children watching.” ]

Herr Gracken: [ subtitles: “Then we will wound them with good cheer!” ] [ they approach the kids in the studio audience, in a studio surrounded by meat hanging on racks ]

Olaus: Gud morning, kinder! We think you have not known true happiness before this date! Shall we evacorate?

Herr Gracken: Olaus! Achtung! Achtung!

Olaus: Would any of you like a good treat?

Kid: I want some candy!

Olaus: Non! We have coffee and radishes!

[ Herr Dokter brings in coffee and radishes and yells at the kids ] [ Herr Gracken and Olaus introduce the Science Lesson, as a skeleton drops down and starts singing “I’m Inside of Every One of You!” ]

Herr Gracken: [ subtitles: “Next week we learn about teeth!” ]

Hulga: [ cracks whip at Herr Gracken ] Now we learn about isolation.

Together: Schnell! Schnell!

Hulga: [ before tray of three objects ] Which of these objects does not belong? A corkscrew.. an ear.. justice. [ points to kid in audience ] You! [ subtitle: “Answer correctly!” ]

Kid: [ scared ] Justice?

Hulga: [ subtitle: “It was the ear!” ]

Herr Gracken: [ pounds ear with his hammer ] Now you wear the Armor of Knowledge!

Blue Man: [ subtitle: I am sorry! So very, very sorry!” ]

Herr Dokter: It’s time to learn.. how to behave.. at funeraaaalllss!

[ Herr Gracken and Olaus wheel a coffin in front of the frightened kids, as the corpse rises and shakes his hands at the kids; they run out of the studio in fear ]

All: Schnell! Schnell! Schnell!!

Announcer: “The Smile Masters” has been cancelled. Nickelodeon will be settling out of court with the family of any child who saw this. Now, stay tuned for “Blue’s Clues”! Once again.. our bad..

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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