SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 04/07/01: A Message From The President of the United States

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 16

00p: Alec Baldwin / Coldplay

A Message From The President of the United States

President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell

President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. As all of you are aware, exactly one week ago, the Chinese government seized, and refused to surrender, a U.S. Navy EP-3 surveillance plan, along with its crew of 24. What followed, was six days of intense round-the-clock negotiations with Chinese officials, in an attempt to resolve this situation. Unfortunately, these efforts were unsuccessful. Finally, early this evening, I made a bold decision to meet with the Chinese president, Jiang Zemin, alone. One on one. No Dick Cheney. No state department officials. No military advisors. No international law specialists. No China scholars. No translators. Just the two of us, face to face, mano-to-mano, and to keep at it until this thing is worked out. And that was the breakthrough. In less than twenty minutes, President Jiang and I signed an agreement, an agreement I’m proud to say that both averts an international crisis and leaves American honor and dignity intact.

Here are its chief points:

#1. The United States government sincerely, profusely, and objectively apologizes to China for this incident. It was entirely our fault, and we did a bad thing.

#2. The Navy aircraft will be returned immediately, following its complete disassembly and examination by North Korean intelligence.

#3. Upon its return to the U.S., the plane will be sold to the government of Libya, with all proceeds going to the Palestine Liberation Organization.

#4. All secret documents found onboard the aircraft will be surrendered to the United States. The Chinese will keep photocopies.

#5. For its pardon, the Chinese government has agreed not to share these photocopies with Iran, Iraq, or other rogue nations. Although sharing photocopies of photocopies is permitted, provided they are readable. I fought hard for that one.

#6. Under no circumstances will photocopies of photocopies of photocopies be allowed.

#7. Our 24 U.S. Navy servicemen and servicewomen, I’m happy to say, are back on American soil. After a reunion with their families, they will be reurned to China, to begin serving their 90-day sentences for espionage at a Chinese labor camp.

#8. Chinese President Jiang Zemin and his wife will have full use of the Bush vacation ranch in Texas, for Memorail Day through Labor Day, with the exception of Fourth of July weekend and two weekends in August. President Bush and Laura Bush will pay for utilities; Mr. Jiang will be responsible for pool maintenance.

#9. General Colin Powell has agreed to resign as Secretary of State, and to surrender his driver’s license and credit cards. On June 1st, he will begin his sentence at a Chinese labor camp.

#10. The Chinese government has agreed to officially designate the first week in August Ed “Too Tall” Jones Appreciation Week.

#11. Yankees outfielder Daryl Strawberry will volunatarily enter a drug treatment facility. Located where? In a Chinese labor camp.

#12. Don’t mess with Texas.

#13. Don’t ever mess with Texas!

#14. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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