SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 04/07/01: Delicious Dish


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 16

00p: Alec Baldwin / Coldplay

Delicious Dish

Margaret Jo McCullen…..Ana Gastyer
Lynn Vershad…..Rachel Dratch
Pete Schweddy…..Alec Baldwin
Caller…..Chris Parnell

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCullen.

Lynn Vershad: And I’m Lynn Vershad.

Together: And you’re lsitening to.. The Delicious Dish.. on National Public Radio.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, listeners, don’t adjsut your radio sets, you heard right. Teri Rialto has left to persue her dream of opening up a yogurt factory. We’re real proud of her, and we’re going to miss her. But we have a new co-host here on the Delicious Dish, and she’s a real firecracker. Say hi, Lynn.

Lynn Vershad: [ shyly ] Hi.

Margaret Jo McCullen: And, of course, those of you listening in northeast Minnesota already know Lynn, from her last show “Use Your Noodle”. Such a groundbreaking show, Lynn, I loved it.

Lynn Vershad: Oh, thank you.

Margaret Jo McCullen: You’re welcome.

Lynn Vershad: You know, Wayzana Tribune called it the “most innovative public-supporterd pasta-related radio cooking show since Get Ready, Get Set, Spaghetti!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Absolutely, ditto to that, we were really lucky to steal you away, Lynn!

Lynn Vershad: Well, I really felt like I had taken pasta as far as it would go.

Margaret Jo McCullen: I know what you mean. I got so burned out on dried figs in the late 80’s, that I’ve never ogne back.

Lynn Vershad: I’m so, so sorry.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s okay. It’s neat.

Lynn Vershad: Fun, yeah.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Good times. Dried fruit.

Lynn Vershad: Yeah. Well, M.J., Spring has sprung, and that mean the return of the great American pasttime – baseball.

Margaret Jo McCullen: And, of course, no baseball season would be complete without the culinary traditions of the ballpark.

Lynn Vershad: Mmm, that’s right, M.J. And joining us to talk about them is someone whom I understand is an old friend of the Delicious Dish – Mr. Pete Scweddy.

[ Pete takes his seat behind the microphone ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hi, Pete. Welcome back.

Pete Schweddy: Hi, there.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, Pete, I hear that the only thing you love more than cooking, is the great game of baseball.

Pete Schweddy: Oh, yes. Sometimes, when I’m in the stands, I get so fired up and out of control, I’ve been known to boo the other team.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Ooh.. I’d want to steer clear of that.

Pete Schweddy: For sure.

Lynn Vershad: Now, Pete, you’ve gained quite a reputation as the king of stadium-cooked cuisine.

Pete Schweddy: That’s right. I’m proud to say I’ve won great acclaim for my takes on popcorn, crackerjacks, and pretzel bread. But I think what I am most known for is my weiner.

Margaret Jo McCullen: your weiner. Wow. You don’t say.

Pete Schweddy: I sure do. Would you like to see it?

Margaret Jo McCullen: Please. Please. [ Pete pulls out a tray of weiners ] Wow..

Pete Schweddy: Is that some weiner, or what?

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah, it’s a doozy, Pete.

Lynn Vershad: Now, is that a foot-long, or..?

Pete Schweddy: [ chuckles ] You flatter me!

Margaret Jo McCullen: I have to say, Pete, that’s a very thick one, too.

Pete Schweddy: I’d have to say it’s almost as thick as it is long.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, I can smell your wiener from here.

Pete Schweddy: Well, that is thanks to the Schweddy Family recipe. There’s no escaping the aroma of a Schweddy Family weiner.

Lynn Vershad: It, um.. it really does glistne, doesn’t it?

Pete Schweddy: Uh, yeah, it’s the weiners folks can’t seem to keep out of their mouthes.

Lynn Vershad: Well, then I bet it’s a big hit with the kids.

Pete Schweddy: Oh, yes, indeed. There’s nothing quite like the look on a child’s face the moment he gets a hold of his own Schweddy weiner.

[ call lines start to light up ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow, Lynn. the switchboard’s really lighting up! We’ll take your calls in a moment. But, first, I want to get my mouth around that weiner!

Pete Schweddy: Be my guest. Both of you ladies please have a go at it.

[ Margaret Jo and Lynn grab a Schweddy weiner ]

Lynn Vershad: Hmm.. I’m not sure I can handle this much meat..

Pete Schweddy: Well, you really don’t have to put the whole thing in your mouth at once.

Lynn Vershad: Maybe we can cut it half?

Pete Schweddy: I’d rather you didn’t!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow, Pete, this peiner.. [ stifles her laughter ] A little verbal diarrhea.. This weiner’s so plump and firm. The weiners I’m accustomed to are usually wrinkled and grey. The phones are relaly going crazy – is it okay if we take a call?

Pete Schweddy: Oh, be my guest.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Okay. [ presses call button ] Delicious Dish. You’re on the air.

Lynn Vershad: Do you have a question for Pete Schweddy?

Caller: [ breathing heavily ] Yeah! Tell me about your weiner, Pete!

Pete Schweddy: Well, what would you like to know?

Caller: Do you touch it!

Pete Schweddy: Well, sure, I’m very hands-on with the famous Schweddy weiner.

Caller: Are you touching it now!

Pete Schweddy: Uh.. no, I’m not. The ladies are enjoying my weiner right now, actually. Any other waurions?

Caller: [ moans exuberantly ] Nooooooo, I’m all done..! Thanks..! [ hangs up ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, thanks for calling.

Lynn Vershad: [ eating the weiner ] Mmm.. I just can’t keep your weiner out of my mouth.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Mmm-mmm.. it’s delicious!

Lynn Vershad: [ starts choking on the weiner ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Pete Schweddy: What’s wrong?

Margaret Jo McCullen: I think Lynn’s gagging on your weiner..

Pete Schweddy: Bend her over! Ben her over!

Margaret Jo McCullen: [ pushes Lynn forward ] Just relax your throat, Lynn! Just relax!

Pete Schweddy: [ pats Lynn’s back ] Let it slide out.

[ Lynn cough the weiner out of her throat ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: You alright?

Lynn Vershad: Boy.. that was scary for a minute.. but.. if I had to gag on a weiner, I’m glad it was yours, Pete.

Pete Schweddy: Well, I’m glad my Schwddy weiner didn’t disappoint you.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, that’s all the time we have here on the Delicious Dish. Join us next week, when our guest will be..

Together: Freddie S. and his Donut Holes!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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