Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 26: Episode 16
Delicious Dish
Margaret Jo McCullen…..Ana Gastyer
Lynn Vershad…..Rachel Dratch
Pete Schweddy…..Alec Baldwin
Caller…..Chris Parnell
Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCullen.
Lynn Vershad: And I’m Lynn Vershad.
Together: And you’re lsitening to.. The Delicious Dish.. on National Public Radio.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, listeners, don’t adjsut your radio sets, you heard right. Teri Rialto has left to persue her dream of opening up a yogurt factory. We’re real proud of her, and we’re going to miss her. But we have a new co-host here on the Delicious Dish, and she’s a real firecracker. Say hi, Lynn.
Lynn Vershad: [ shyly ] Hi.
Margaret Jo McCullen: And, of course, those of you listening in northeast Minnesota already know Lynn, from her last show “Use Your Noodle”. Such a groundbreaking show, Lynn, I loved it.
Lynn Vershad: Oh, thank you.
Margaret Jo McCullen: You’re welcome.
Lynn Vershad: You know, Wayzana Tribune called it the “most innovative public-supporterd pasta-related radio cooking show since Get Ready, Get Set, Spaghetti!
Margaret Jo McCullen: Absolutely, ditto to that, we were really lucky to steal you away, Lynn!
Lynn Vershad: Well, I really felt like I had taken pasta as far as it would go.
Margaret Jo McCullen: I know what you mean. I got so burned out on dried figs in the late 80’s, that I’ve never ogne back.
Lynn Vershad: I’m so, so sorry.
Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s okay. It’s neat.
Lynn Vershad: Fun, yeah.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Good times. Dried fruit.
Lynn Vershad: Yeah. Well, M.J., Spring has sprung, and that mean the return of the great American pasttime – baseball.
Margaret Jo McCullen: And, of course, no baseball season would be complete without the culinary traditions of the ballpark.
Lynn Vershad: Mmm, that’s right, M.J. And joining us to talk about them is someone whom I understand is an old friend of the Delicious Dish – Mr. Pete Scweddy.
[ Pete takes his seat behind the microphone ]
Margaret Jo McCullen: Hi, Pete. Welcome back.
Pete Schweddy: Hi, there.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, Pete, I hear that the only thing you love more than cooking, is the great game of baseball.
Pete Schweddy: Oh, yes. Sometimes, when I’m in the stands, I get so fired up and out of control, I’ve been known to boo the other team.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Ooh.. I’d want to steer clear of that.
Pete Schweddy: For sure.
Lynn Vershad: Now, Pete, you’ve gained quite a reputation as the king of stadium-cooked cuisine.
Pete Schweddy: That’s right. I’m proud to say I’ve won great acclaim for my takes on popcorn, crackerjacks, and pretzel bread. But I think what I am most known for is my weiner.
Margaret Jo McCullen: your weiner. Wow. You don’t say.
Pete Schweddy: I sure do. Would you like to see it?
Margaret Jo McCullen: Please. Please. [ Pete pulls out a tray of weiners ] Wow..
Pete Schweddy: Is that some weiner, or what?
Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah, it’s a doozy, Pete.
Lynn Vershad: Now, is that a foot-long, or..?
Pete Schweddy: [ chuckles ] You flatter me!
Margaret Jo McCullen: I have to say, Pete, that’s a very thick one, too.
Pete Schweddy: I’d have to say it’s almost as thick as it is long.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, I can smell your wiener from here.
Pete Schweddy: Well, that is thanks to the Schweddy Family recipe. There’s no escaping the aroma of a Schweddy Family weiner.
Lynn Vershad: It, um.. it really does glistne, doesn’t it?
Pete Schweddy: Uh, yeah, it’s the weiners folks can’t seem to keep out of their mouthes.
Lynn Vershad: Well, then I bet it’s a big hit with the kids.
Pete Schweddy: Oh, yes, indeed. There’s nothing quite like the look on a child’s face the moment he gets a hold of his own Schweddy weiner.
[ call lines start to light up ]
Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow, Lynn. the switchboard’s really lighting up! We’ll take your calls in a moment. But, first, I want to get my mouth around that weiner!
Pete Schweddy: Be my guest. Both of you ladies please have a go at it.
[ Margaret Jo and Lynn grab a Schweddy weiner ]
Lynn Vershad: Hmm.. I’m not sure I can handle this much meat..
Pete Schweddy: Well, you really don’t have to put the whole thing in your mouth at once.
Lynn Vershad: Maybe we can cut it half?
Pete Schweddy: I’d rather you didn’t!
Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow, Pete, this peiner.. [ stifles her laughter ] A little verbal diarrhea.. This weiner’s so plump and firm. The weiners I’m accustomed to are usually wrinkled and grey. The phones are relaly going crazy – is it okay if we take a call?
Pete Schweddy: Oh, be my guest.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Okay. [ presses call button ] Delicious Dish. You’re on the air.
Lynn Vershad: Do you have a question for Pete Schweddy?
Caller: [ breathing heavily ] Yeah! Tell me about your weiner, Pete!
Pete Schweddy: Well, what would you like to know?
Caller: Do you touch it!
Pete Schweddy: Well, sure, I’m very hands-on with the famous Schweddy weiner.
Caller: Are you touching it now!
Pete Schweddy: Uh.. no, I’m not. The ladies are enjoying my weiner right now, actually. Any other waurions?
Caller: [ moans exuberantly ] Nooooooo, I’m all done..! Thanks..! [ hangs up ]
Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, thanks for calling.
Lynn Vershad: [ eating the weiner ] Mmm.. I just can’t keep your weiner out of my mouth.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Mmm-mmm.. it’s delicious!
Lynn Vershad: [ starts choking on the weiner ]
Margaret Jo McCullen: Uh-oh! Uh-oh!
Pete Schweddy: What’s wrong?
Margaret Jo McCullen: I think Lynn’s gagging on your weiner..
Pete Schweddy: Bend her over! Ben her over!
Margaret Jo McCullen: [ pushes Lynn forward ] Just relax your throat, Lynn! Just relax!
Pete Schweddy: [ pats Lynn’s back ] Let it slide out.
[ Lynn cough the weiner out of her throat ]
Margaret Jo McCullen: You alright?
Lynn Vershad: Boy.. that was scary for a minute.. but.. if I had to gag on a weiner, I’m glad it was yours, Pete.
Pete Schweddy: Well, I’m glad my Schwddy weiner didn’t disappoint you.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, that’s all the time we have here on the Delicious Dish. Join us next week, when our guest will be..
Together: Freddie S. and his Donut Holes!
