SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 04/07/01: Terrance Maddox

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 16












00p: Alec Baldwin / Coldplay

Terrance Maddox

Terrance Maddox…..Will Ferrell
Sebastian Clay…..Alec Baldwin
Teacher…..Ana Gasteyer
Student #1…..Maya Rudolph
Student #2…..Dana Edelson
Student #3…..Chris Kattan
Student #4…..Rachel Dratch

[ FADE IN: ]

[ EXT. MORRIS COUNTY COMMUNITY COLLEGE – NIGHT – ESTABLISHING SHOT ]

[ INT. MORRIS COUNTY COMMUNITY COLLEGE – CLASSROOM – NIGHT ]

[ STUDENTS are settling in as TEACHER is in the front. ]

Teacher: Alright, class! Welcome to “Introduction for Lighting for Black & White Photography”. Now, one of the most difficult subject to light is the nude human body. Which is why tonight, we are going to be using a live artist model. Unfortunately, the person I usually use couldn’t make it, but we do have a replacement. His name is Terrance Maddox. Terrance? You can come in now.

[ ENTER TERRANCE MADDOX ]

Terrance Maddox: Thank you. No applause. Just money, please. Just –

[ Maddox vomits hard. ]

Terrance Maddox: It’s all right! My bad.

Student #1: Omigod!

Student #2: Gross!

Terrance Maddox: Don’t worry — that wasn’t food.

Student #3: This is awful.

Terrance Maddox: I repeat — this is not food. There is no need to worry.

Teacher: Mr. Maddox, if you’re not feeling well, you can just go home.

Terrance Maddox: Are you kidding? The show must go on!

[ Maddox disrobes. ]

Terrance Maddox: And “Oh Mama!”, look what we got here under the big top tonight!

[ Maddox flaunts his gentiles to the room. ]

Terrance Maddox: Baby cried the day the circus came to town!

Teacher: Alright, Mr. Maddox! Please take your seat!

Terrance Maddox: Now, I’m leaking in a couple of spots,! So work with me, people!

[ Maya Rudolph can’t contain her laughter. The rest of the class watches unfazed. ]

Teacher: Now class, remember that shadow is one of the most important elements when shooting in Black & White.

Terrance Maddox: Hey, hey, that reminds me!

Teacher: Of what!?

Terrance Maddox: What’s black, white, and red all over?

Teacher: A newspaper. I don’t know.

Terrance Maddox: This thing!

[ Maddox shows off a portion of his foot, but it’s blocked by Student #1’s head. ]

Terrance Maddox: I don’t know what it is either! Help me! Somebody please help me!

[ SEBASTIAN CLAY, a robed, mustached man of no trust, ENTERS. ]

Sebastian Clay: Perhaps I can be of some assistance?

Terrance Maddox: Sebastian Clay!

[ INTENSE MUSIC ]

[ The two vagrants stare each other down. Clay partially disrobes. ]

[ CLOSE-UP OF MADDOX’s GUT “JIGGLE-WAVING” ]

[ CLOSE-UP OF CLAY’s GUT “JIGGLE-WAVING” ]

Sebastian Clay: Well, it looks as if the agency has double-booked this session. Well… no matter! I suppose we shall proceed with two models — that is if you’re up to the challenge, Maddox!

Terrance Maddox: Bring it on, Clay!

Teacher: I take it you two know each other?

Sebastian Clay: Oh, we see each other around the circuit: dumpsters, police line-ups, snuff film auditions — you know – the circuit! First time I laid eyes on Terrance Maddox, he was giving a handjob to Darrell Hammond outside a blood bank in St. Paul! What can I say? The kid had chops! It was then I knew I met my match!

Terrance Maddox: They call Clay here, “The Gentleman Ghost”.

Teacher: Why is that? Are you some sophisticated thief?

Sebastian Clay: Far from it. No, I’m called “The Gentleman Ghost” because I like to get it on with dead dudes!

[ The class reacts in pure disgust. ]

Terrance Maddox: Hey! I did it with a chicken once!

Sebastian Clay: Nice try, Maddox! But a little too desperate.

[ Clay opens an Army satchel and pulls out a martini mixer. ]

Sebastian Clay: I say our reunion here calls for a cocktail.

[ Clay pulls out a wine glass from the satchel and pours himself a glass. ]

Student #3: Excuse me, what’s happening? Is this even a class anymore?

Teacher: Mr. Clay, since you’re here, we may as well use two models. But please, no drinks.

Sebastian Clay: Oh, please! I insist…

Teacher: Okay.

[ The teacher takes the glass and a sip. ]

Teacher: That’s delicious! What is it?

Sebastian Clay: That’s my own recipe: two parts vermouth and one part my semen.

[ The teacher promptly spits out the beverage. ]

Terrance Maddox: I’ll give it a try! C’mon!

[Clay takes the glass away from the teacher and hands it to Maddox, who takes a sip. ]

Sebastian Clay: How was it?

Terrance Maddox: You’ve outdone yourself!

Teacher: That is it! That’s it! I want both of you out of my classroom now!

Terrance Maddox: Not until we settle this!

Sebastian Clay: You’re not suggesting…

Terrance Maddox: That’s right — a POSE-OFF!

Sebastian Clay: VERY WELL! A POSE-OFF IT IS! Have at, thy!

Terrance Maddox: I call this one, “Sunday in the Park with my Appendectomy Scar.”

[ Maddox eagle-spreads his torso. The class winces. ]

Sebastian Clay: This is something I call, “One Ball for Sister Sara.”

[ Clay showcases his crotch. ]

Teacher: All right! Okay! That is enough!!! I WANT BOTH OF YOU OUT OF HERE AND I NEVER WANT TO SEE ANY OF YOU AT THIS COMMUNITY COLLEGE AGAIN!

[ Both men cry. Clay cups his hand over Maddox’s mouth as he’s about to vomit. ]

Teacher: Okay, okay! You can both stay. I’m sorry. All right – just stop it!

[ Maddox puts his robe on. ]

Terrance Maddox: I know when I’m not needed.

Sebastian Clay: Indeed!

Terrance Maddox: You’re not half-bad, Clay.

Sebastian Clay: Nor are you, Maddox. If you’ll excuse us…

Terrance Maddox: But before we go, we got something to say – now I may not know anything about lighting of the perfect human form, but I do know something about forming the perfect human poop! Which is what I’ll be doing seconds from now… on the hoods of your fine people’s cars!

Sebastian Clay: Here, here!

Terrance Maddox: Now, good day to you!

[ SEPIA PHOTO MONTAGE ]

[ TERRANCE VOMITING ]

[ CLAY’S UGLY TORSO ]

[ TEACHER SPITTING OUT CLAY’S “COCK”TAIL ]

[ BOTH MEN CRYING ]

[ BACK TO CLASSROOM ]

[ Maddox & Clay blow a kiss and wink. ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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