SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 04/07/01: Terrance Maddox

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 16












00p: Alec Baldwin / Coldplay

Terrance Maddox

Terrance Maddox…..Will Ferrell
Sebastian Clay…..Alec Baldwin
Teacher…..Ana Gasteyer
Student #1…..Maya Rudolph
Student #2…..Dana Edelson
Student #3…..Chris Kattan
Student #4…..Rachel Dratch

[ FADE IN: ]

[ EXT. MORRIS COUNTY COMMUNITY COLLEGE – NIGHT – ESTABLISHING SHOT ]

[ INT. MORRIS COUNTY COMMUNITY COLLEGE – CLASSROOM – NIGHT ]

[ STUDENTS are settling in as TEACHER is in the front. ]

Teacher: Alright, class! Welcome to “Introduction for Lighting for Black & White Photography”. Now, one of the most difficult subject to light is the nude human body. Which is why tonight, we are going to be using a live artist model. Unfortunately, the person I usually use couldn’t make it, but we do have a replacement. His name is Terrance Maddox. Terrance? You can come in now.

[ ENTER TERRANCE MADDOX ]

Terrance Maddox: Thank you. No applause. Just money, please. Just –

[ Maddox vomits hard. ]

Terrance Maddox: It’s all right! My bad.

Student #1: Omigod!

Student #2: Gross!

Terrance Maddox: Don’t worry — that wasn’t food.

Student #3: This is awful.

Terrance Maddox: I repeat — this is not food. There is no need to worry.

Teacher: Mr. Maddox, if you’re not feeling well, you can just go home.

Terrance Maddox: Are you kidding? The show must go on!

[ Maddox disrobes. ]

Terrance Maddox: And “Oh Mama!”, look what we got here under the big top tonight!

[ Maddox flaunts his gentiles to the room. ]

Terrance Maddox: Baby cried the day the circus came to town!

Teacher: Alright, Mr. Maddox! Please take your seat!

Terrance Maddox: Now, I’m leaking in a couple of spots,! So work with me, people!

[ Maya Rudolph can’t contain her laughter. The rest of the class watches unfazed. ]

Teacher: Now class, remember that shadow is one of the most important elements when shooting in Black & White.

Terrance Maddox: Hey, hey, that reminds me!

Teacher: Of what!?

Terrance Maddox: What’s black, white, and red all over?

Teacher: A newspaper. I don’t know.

Terrance Maddox: This thing!

[ Maddox shows off a portion of his foot, but it’s blocked by Student #1’s head. ]

Terrance Maddox: I don’t know what it is either! Help me! Somebody please help me!

[ SEBASTIAN CLAY, a robed, mustached man of no trust, ENTERS. ]

Sebastian Clay: Perhaps I can be of some assistance?

Terrance Maddox: Sebastian Clay!

[ INTENSE MUSIC ]

[ The two vagrants stare each other down. Clay partially disrobes. ]

[ CLOSE-UP OF MADDOX’s GUT “JIGGLE-WAVING” ]

[ CLOSE-UP OF CLAY’s GUT “JIGGLE-WAVING” ]

Sebastian Clay: Well, it looks as if the agency has double-booked this session. Well… no matter! I suppose we shall proceed with two models — that is if you’re up to the challenge, Maddox!

Terrance Maddox: Bring it on, Clay!

Teacher: I take it you two know each other?

Sebastian Clay: Oh, we see each other around the circuit: dumpsters, police line-ups, snuff film auditions — you know – the circuit! First time I laid eyes on Terrance Maddox, he was giving a handjob to Darrell Hammond outside a blood bank in St. Paul! What can I say? The kid had chops! It was then I knew I met my match!

Terrance Maddox: They call Clay here, “The Gentleman Ghost”.

Teacher: Why is that? Are you some sophisticated thief?

Sebastian Clay: Far from it. No, I’m called “The Gentleman Ghost” because I like to get it on with dead dudes!

[ The class reacts in pure disgust. ]

Terrance Maddox: Hey! I did it with a chicken once!

Sebastian Clay: Nice try, Maddox! But a little too desperate.

[ Clay opens an Army satchel and pulls out a martini mixer. ]

Sebastian Clay: I say our reunion here calls for a cocktail.

[ Clay pulls out a wine glass from the satchel and pours himself a glass. ]

Student #3: Excuse me, what’s happening? Is this even a class anymore?

Teacher: Mr. Clay, since you’re here, we may as well use two models. But please, no drinks.

Sebastian Clay: Oh, please! I insist…

Teacher: Okay.

[ The teacher takes the glass and a sip. ]

Teacher: That’s delicious! What is it?

Sebastian Clay: That’s my own recipe: two parts vermouth and one part my semen.

[ The teacher promptly spits out the beverage. ]

Terrance Maddox: I’ll give it a try! C’mon!

[Clay takes the glass away from the teacher and hands it to Maddox, who takes a sip. ]

Sebastian Clay: How was it?

Terrance Maddox: You’ve outdone yourself!

Teacher: That is it! That’s it! I want both of you out of my classroom now!

Terrance Maddox: Not until we settle this!

Sebastian Clay: You’re not suggesting…

Terrance Maddox: That’s right — a POSE-OFF!

Sebastian Clay: VERY WELL! A POSE-OFF IT IS! Have at, thy!

Terrance Maddox: I call this one, “Sunday in the Park with my Appendectomy Scar.”

[ Maddox eagle-spreads his torso. The class winces. ]

Sebastian Clay: This is something I call, “One Ball for Sister Sara.”

[ Clay showcases his crotch. ]

Teacher: All right! Okay! That is enough!!! I WANT BOTH OF YOU OUT OF HERE AND I NEVER WANT TO SEE ANY OF YOU AT THIS COMMUNITY COLLEGE AGAIN!

[ Both men cry. Clay cups his hand over Maddox’s mouth as he’s about to vomit. ]

Teacher: Okay, okay! You can both stay. I’m sorry. All right – just stop it!

[ Maddox puts his robe on. ]

Terrance Maddox: I know when I’m not needed.

Sebastian Clay: Indeed!

Terrance Maddox: You’re not half-bad, Clay.

Sebastian Clay: Nor are you, Maddox. If you’ll excuse us…

Terrance Maddox: But before we go, we got something to say – now I may not know anything about lighting of the perfect human form, but I do know something about forming the perfect human poop! Which is what I’ll be doing seconds from now… on the hoods of your fine people’s cars!

Sebastian Clay: Here, here!

Terrance Maddox: Now, good day to you!

[ SEPIA PHOTO MONTAGE ]

[ TERRANCE VOMITING ]

[ CLAY’S UGLY TORSO ]

[ TEACHER SPITTING OUT CLAY’S “COCK”TAIL ]

[ BOTH MEN CRYING ]

[ BACK TO CLASSROOM ]

[ Maddox & Clay blow a kiss and wink. ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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